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Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! Episode 2 #150530


wwdpm-logo-marqueeGet ready for Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!, the 5MDR Geeky Quiz.

This episode of Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! broadcasts live from Charlotte, North Carolina.  Guests panelists for the show include Charlotte Geeks’ Joey Paquette, writer, martial artist, and ballroom dancer Edward McKeown, and author and storyteller Tally Johnson.  Listen as announcer Chuck Carte and host Doc Geressy engage panelists as they play Who’s the Panelist This Time?, Questions about the Geeky News, Bluff the Geek, Geeky Limerick Challenge, Warp Fill in the Blank, and Panelist Geeky Predictions.

If you are interested in booking Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! for your convention, please contact Doc Geressy or Chuck Carte at 5MinuteDelayRadio@gmail.com.

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! Episode 2 – Click to Listen or Download

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 2, Segment 1
Live from Charlotte, North Carolina/Who’s Our Panelist This Time?/Questions about the Geeky News

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 2, Segment 2
Bluff the Geek

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 2, Segment 3
Geeky Limerick Challenge

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 2, Segment 4
Warp Fill in the Blank/Panelist Geeky Prediction

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! Episode 1 #141123


wwdpm-logo-marqueeGet ready for Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!, the 5MDR Geeky Quiz.

This episode of Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! broadcasts live from AtomaCon in Charleston South Carolina.  Guests panelists for the AtomaCon show include author and storyteller Tally Johnson, Podcasting’s Rich Sigfrit, and writer, actor, and director Chuck Carte.  Listen as Doc Geressy hosts and guests and panelists play Who’s the Panelist This Time?, Questions about the Geeky News, Bluff the Geek, Geeky Limerick Challenge, Warp Fill in the Blank, and Panelist Geeky Predictions.

If you are interested in booking Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! for your convention, please contact Doc Geressy or Chuck Carte at 5MinuteDelayRadio@gmail.com.

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me! Episode 1 – Click to Listen or Download

Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 1, Segment 1
Live from AtomaCon/Who’s Our Panelist This Time?/Questions about the Geeky News
Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 1, Segment 2
Bluff the Geek
Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 1, Segment 3
Geeky Limerick Challenge
Wait Wait…Don’t Phase Me!: Episode 1, Segment 4
Warp Fill in the Blank/Panelist Geeky Prediction

Why You Should Vote for Me for President of the United States


I’m running for President of the United States.  That’s right!  I’ve joked about it for long enough.  I’m finally putting my money where my mouth is (not to mention I’m finally old enough) and I’m running (well, more like briskly walking) for President.  Now I’m sure all of you are wondering why I would make a great President.  Well, I’m glad you asked!

Let’s face it, I’m totally cut out for politics.  I’m interesting.  I don’t care what people think about me or my policies.  I have amazing hair.  I look dashing in a suit.  I have just enough skeletons in my closet to be a field day for the media.  But those are just some of the obvious reasons you should vote for me for President.  If you’re not already convinced, allow me to really sell you on why you want me as the leader of the 4th geographically largest country in the world.

I’ve been working on a sweet platform that will make the Presidential election a slam dunk for me.  The first plank of my platform is daily nap time!  That’s right, everyone gets an hour nap every day!  I know, that’s badass, right?  And if you’re at a job, it will be a paid nap time!  Yup, everyone is going to be much more productive because they’re going to be well-rested!  Then there’s also an hour lunch.  That’s right, jobs have to give you a paid hour lunch!  Now I know what some of you are asking, “Doc, can I just nap for two hours and not take lunch?”  And I say that this is America and you’re free to spend your lunch hour and nap hour however you like!  You can even work for those two hours if you really want to, but you won’t be punished if you don’t.  I’ll make sure of that.

Now that’s just the beginning.  Check this out!  I’m going to get this country back on track with taxes!  I know what some of you are saying, “But Doc, I already pay a lot in taxes.”  Well, that’s about to end for some of you because if you make less than 100,000 dollars a year, you don’t have to pay taxes!  That’s right!  I’m cutting out all the tax loopholes for the rich and big businesses and letting them pay the taxes for a while.  And I know what you’re saying, “But Doc, those rich people won’t vote for you.”  And I say, “Who cares!”  There are way more people who make less than a hundred grand a year than people who make more than a hundred grand.  That’s just simple numbers when it comes to voting.  And I’m pretty sure with my new percentage tax plan, I can get this National Debt knocked out in no time.

Now I know this is already a sore spot with some people, but I’m going to fix this Healthcare system once and for all.  The United States Healthcare System needs an efficiency overhaul.  When it comes to how much bang for our buck Americans get for Healthcare costs, the United States does just slightly better than Serbia and Brazil.  And is worse than China, Algeria, and Iran.  The only country that spends more than the United States per person on healthcare costs is Switzerland.  But Switzerland ranks as one of the top ten most efficient healthcare systems.  That means the United States is spending a lot of money on healthcare and not getting a lot for it.  Sort of like when you sign up for a magazine subscription but then you quit reading the magazine but they still keep sending it and you’re too lazy to cancel the subscription.  Well, I’m not sure how we cancel our healthcare subscription and get a better one, but I’m going to figure that out.  And just know that you’re not going to have to pay a butt load of money every time you go to the doctor.

At this point, I’ve probably got the election by a pretty solid landslide.  But why stop there.  If you’re going to win a popularity contest, then you gotta make sure you’re the most popular create change and make a country better, then you shouldn’t just stop once you’ve won an election, right?  That being said, it’s about time we had free internet for everyone.  That’s right, we are going to free Wi-Fi the crap out of this country.  No more having to guess your neighbor’s password or having to pay a daily charge at certain fancy hotels that shall remain nameless.  We are going to take a lesson from Hooters and McDonald’s and other classy restaurants and offer free Wi-Fi across the entire country!  This is America for goodness sakes!  There is no reason every citizen shouldn’t have Internet access any time they want it.

Now I don’t know how this one’s going to go over, but I’m seriously thinking about bringing back smoking sections in restaurants.  I’ve been watching a lot of Mad Men lately on Netflix and it seems like this country was a whole lot better when we had smoking sections in restaurants.  Now, before a bunch of people get all up in arms about this one, it’s just a working theory.  But if I can figure out the connection, you can bet your ass smoking sections are back.

That’s about all I’ve got.  Oh, one more thing.  I’m always going to dress in black suits.  I’m going to be completely non-partisan.  None of this blue tie/red tie crap.  I’m the President of the United States of America.  I’m not a Democrat or a Republican.  I’m an American!  And I’m doing what’s best for America!  And if you’re not voting for an American like me then I guess you’re voting for the terrorist to win.

 

 

 

Why The Brown Mountain Lights Hate Me


I’ve never actually seen the Brown Mountain Lights.  For those of you who don’t know, The Brown Mountain Lights are these “alleged” lights in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina.  I could explain more about the background and supposed causes of these lights, but you’re adults and can read and I’m not here to give the Brown Mountain Lights any more free advertising than they’re already getting.

Anyway, apparently the Brown Mountain Lights hate me.  That’s the only explanation I can come up with.  I have spent countless hours sitting in parked cars, lounging on picnic tables at mosquito-infested overlooks, and leaning against metal guardrails in sub-zero temperatures all for nothing.  I’ve poured my heart and a decent part of my cold, black soul into seeing this elusive and mysterious phenomena, but the Brown Mountain Lights have been total dicks about it.  They haven’t even had the decency to meet me halfway on anything.  Seriously, they haven’t showed up for anything at all!

And I’ve totally gone above and beyond on my end.  There was the time I initiated a hard-target search of the area by sort of giving state and local authorities the impression that I lost my six-year-old nephew.  Now, in retrospect, I was in the wrong to lie and say my he was my nephew when he was really my cousin.  And I can honestly say I didn’t know exactly where he was, so assuming he may be lost in the particular nine square mile area where the Brown Mountain Lights have been most reported wasn’t technically incorrect, regardless of what the news media would have you believe.  And get a load of this!  This is how shitty the Brown Mountain Lights are.  Over 350 people, including lots of highly-trained search and rescue personnel, scoured the landscape day and night (very important) for almost eleven weeks and not a single one of those 350 people saw a single one of the Brown Mountain Lights!

Then there was the time I stole borrowed that helicopter to do aerial surveillance and ended up crashing strategically landing it in the banquet room of a Cheeseburger in Paradise.  Some people say that was the reason that particular Cheeseburger in Paradise closed.  But I heard from a stoner who lived in his van a reliable source that the restaurant closed because they had a big roach problem.  I mean, they had a big problem with roaches.  I can imagine a big roach problem would maybe be a draw for certain restaurants.  Sort of like the big cockroach in Beetlejuice.  Or I guess that was more of a beetle.  Anyway, point being, a Bell 47 helicopter smashed through gently lodged in the banquet room wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back of that restaurant.  In fact, that was probably the most media coverage that restaurant had gotten since it opened.  So you’re welcome, Jimmy Buffet.

Now I realize that this might be an it’s-not-you-it’s-me situation.  And I would be cool with that if only the Brown Mountain Lights would be stand up enough to tell me that to my face.  Instead, I think the Brown Mountain Lights have been actively avoiding me.  And don’t get me wrong.  Some of my tactics for trying to spot the Brown Mountain Lights have been less than legal preferable admirable.  Sure, burning down 40 square acres of forest was initially (and I’m sure continually by some) frowned upon by the U.S. Forestry Service and other law enforcement agencies.  But love makes people do crazy things, am I right?

 

♠ The title for this essay is courtesy of Ernie Cooper.  If you have an essay title you’d like to suggest, email it to BatDocBlog@gmail.com.  You might see your essay title in one of my books, and I’ll be sure to thank you in the book for it!

I Want to Volunteer as Alien Ambassador


I want to volunteer as an alien ambassador.  I don’t know who I need to talk to to make this happen, but I assume it’s someone in a military uniform or a very well-fitting, expensive suit.  And I know what some of your are already thinking, “There’s no such thing as aliens!”  Well, I’ll have you know I’ve done countless (almost 8) hours of research and watched countless (five) documentaries on Netflix about aliens and I can tell you aliens most certainly exist.  There are countless (I didn’t really count) people who have had alien experiences.  Some of those have been good experiences like in Mac and Me, My Stepmother is an Alien, and Species.  And some of them have been bad experiences like in AlienALF, and Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

I’m planning on this being a good experience, because I want to be the alien ambassador in charge of…how do I put this gently…interspecies mating.  There is clearly going to be a need for this kind of ambassador.  And I want to step up to the plate and volunteer my services first.  I’m not even asking to get paid a ridiculous amount of money for this.  Just the standard space ambassador salary and benefits works just fine for me (although I am pretty hard-nosed on a benefits package with dental).

Now some people would have you believe that I’m doing this as a purely selfish endeavor.  I’m here to tell you that accusation is false.  In fact, one person, Ted Scovill who now resides in Muncie, Indiana, will tell you that I’m just trying to be the first to have sex with an alien to cash in on a silly childhood bet that was made one day over lunch in the 8th grade (That’s right, Ted, I haven’t forgotten either).  That is simply not entirely true.

I want this job because I think I’m very well suited for it.  I assume alien women won’t have sex quite the same way humans do, and I’m just open-minded enough for that.  I’ve done a lot of on-line research on all the different ways humans gain sexual pleasure, and I’m okay with about 85% of it.  I’ve watched every episode of Star Trek and all the movies TWICE!  So whether it is rough Klingon sex or fighting-with-lirpas Vulcan sex or whatever Cardassians do (I really like Cardassian women), I’m up for trying anything once.  I’ve also seen Species like 11 times (it comes on really late on SyFy a lot).  And, sure, my insurance agent thought I was crazy when I asked for her to include a killed-while-mating-with-an-alien-female clause, but who is prepared now, Allstate?!

There are lots of other reasons I think I’m a prime candidate for wooing alien women.  I’m not a relationship guy, and I figure aliens probably aren’t going to live here, they are just going to be dropping by (let’s face it, Earth is like the Mississippi of the Universe), which means a sexy alien woman isn’t going to want some clingy guy calling her all the time.  That makes me perfect.  I’m the same exact way!  I don’t even like to talk on the phone, much less make interstellar calls.  I’m also completely okay with taking charge or letting the woman take charge, depending on the cultural norms of the alien races we may encounter.  I don’t get emotionally attached, which will make it easier when she has to leave to explore the rest of the universe with her ship.  And I can let her down gently and tell her “it’s not her tentacles, it’s me” if she gets all clingy and wants to abandon her mission and stay here on Earth with me.  I’m also pretty attached to my stuff here on Earth, so I’m not going to up and leave my post and start traveling the galaxies with some pretty face.

If there was any space travel required, I’m really good on a trampoline.  And I practically never throw up on roller coasters anymore, so space travel is in the bag.  And I think I’d look really good in a double-knit, polyester uniform or some kind of silver jumpsuit.

So powers that be in nice suits or military generals or whoever is in charge of this decision, I’m ready to accept the position (no pun intended, well, maybe a little pun intended) of Alien Ambassador/Ladies Man.  That’s just a working title.  You guys can come up with something better I’m sure.

Oh, one more thing.  If I do get selected for this job and I have sex with an alien female, Ted, you are going to owe me one trillion dollars (I counted the zeros) and 38 cents.  That’s what you wrote on the napkin I still have, and we both signed it.  My friend who took two and half law classes in college before changing majors to liberal arts said she is kinda sure that napkin is a legally binding contract.

The Duster and Tex Show Episode 122 #140603


Duster and Tex LogoThis week on the show, Duster and Tex get talked into moving a shed for Bob Evans (not the guy who owns the restaurants) and run into some troubles during the moving process. The boys also get some scooters and decide to take them on a trip to Dollywood to see Duster’s favorite band.

Follow Duster and Tex on Twitter @DusterandTex!

The Duster and Tex Show Episode 122 – Click to Listen or Download

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 122, Segment 1
Movin’ the Shed

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 122, Segment 2
Shit Fallin’ Out of the Shed

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 122, Segment 3
Gettin’ Scooters

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 122, Segment 4
Going to Dollywood

The Honeypot #140513


christina hendricks red dress

Trust me when I say that a red-headed woman will be the best and worst thing to ever happen to a man.

Awesome Sauce #140505


credible hulk

Credible Hulk…I see what you did there…very clever.

Quote of the Day #140429


“It was the new Chevy SS.  Why anyone would want to drive a car named after a Nazi is beyond me.”

Meme Warehouse #140425


ron swanson vegetables

Ron Swanson is my hero.

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