Blog Archives

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 110 #150610

sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast live from Geek Out in Asheville, NC!  The Eggs talk with Charlie Caine’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse author Julianne Jackson and artist Stewart Williams.  Then the Eggs chat with The Walking Dead zombie actor Wallace Krebs.  And Doc and Chuck round out the show chatting with the inspirational author I.R. Harris!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 110 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 1
Julianne Jackson and Stewart Williams Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 2
Julianne Jackson and Stewart Williams Part 2

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 3
Wallace Krebs

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 4
I.R. Harris Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 5
I.R. Harris Part 2


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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 109 #150603

sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs get geared up for Geek Out in Asheville, NC, by bringing you a rebroadcast of last year’s Geek Out broadcast!  The Eggs talk with actor Eddie Rus from the upcoming series Readers.  Vampirella artist Louis Small, Jr. stops by to chat with the gang.  And author and the all-around awesome and inspiring I. R. Harris chats and laughs with the Eggs and answers The Half Dozen!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 109 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 109, Segment 1
Geek Out 2014 Rebroadcast: Eddie Rus from Readers

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 109, Segment 2
Geek Out 2014 Rebroadcast: Louis Small, Jr. Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 109, Segment 3
Geek Out 2014 Rebroadcast: Louis Small, Jr. Part 2

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 109, Segment 4
Geek Out 2014 Rebroadcast: I.R. Harris Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 109, Segment 5
Geek Out 2014 Rebroadcast: I.R. Harris Part 2


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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 98 #150317

sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs return to broadcast from Bathurst Recording Studios at Bathurst Manor.  The Eggs start by discussing the latest Ghostbusters news about the new all-male cast movie.  Virginia Tech is working on building a holodeck.  Mars News Correspondent Chuck has some news about the mysterious Captain K.  There is a new iPhone game that has the nation stumped.  And Doc has a new episode of B-Movie or B-S!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 98 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 1
All-Male Ghostbusters Movie Announced

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 2
V-Tech Holodeck

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 3
Captain K’s Amazing Mars Story

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 4
Do Not Believe His Lies iPhone Game

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 5
B-Movie or B-S? #2

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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 87 #141231

sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs bring you another Best of the Sci-Fried Eggs for the Holidays!  The Eggs look over the past year and assemble a Ladies of 2014 Calendar of some of the best and beautiful ladies the Eggs interviewed.  Interviews include artist Babs Tarr, Rocky Horror actress Patricia Quinn, singer Valentine Wolfe, and writer I.R. Harris.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 87 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 87, Segment 1
Best of the Sci-Fried Eggs: Babs Tarr

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 87, Segment 2
Best of the Sci-Fried Eggs: Patricia Quinn

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 87, Segment 3
Best of the Sci-Fried Eggs: Valentine Wolfe

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 87, Segment 4
Best of the Sci-Fried Eggs: I.R. Harris Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 87, Segment 5
Best of the Sci-Fried Eggs: I.R. Harris Part 2

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What I Know About Caring for Babies

I should start by saying that I’ve never been put in charge of caring for a baby.  But I have been around a lot of people with babies.  One time I was on a flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas and there was a lady with a baby two rows ahead of me.  And people with babies bring them pretty much everywhere, so I’ve seen them a lot in grocery stores and restaurants.  And I’ve watched a lot of movies on babies.  I watched over half of Baby’s Day Out before I realized it wasn’t Willow.  And through my casual observations, I’ve picked up on a lot on baby care.

Baby care isn’t easy.  It requires a lot of hard work and paying attention to things.  And there are a lot of rules for caring for babies that you don’t need to know if you’re caring for your pet (unless your pet happens to be a pet baby, which is okay in some countries), an item entrusted to you by a sorcerer, or your best friend who drank too much at a DC Talk concert.  For instance, did you know you can’t feed babies after midnight?  Now I’m not sure how that works exactly because technically it’s always after midnight in a way.  But I’m guessing it means after midnight up until the sun rises for the next day.  Some of these tips are kind of vague, so I just always err on the side of caution.  Like with the midnight thing, I just wouldn’t feed a baby until noon the next day.  Better safe than sorry I always say.  So head’s up future babysitters, here are some important baby care tips.

– Don’t feed babies after midnight.  We already went over this, but here it is again just in case you’re printing this list out to post on your fridge or bulletin board.

– Don’t let babies out in sunlight.  Lots of parents know this because I always see them covering their babies up on sunny days.

– Don’t get babies wet.  Something about water is bad for babies.  This also explains why babies smell.

– Also in the aquatic arena, babies can’t cross running water.  They must be carried or ferried over.  This is why you always see parents carrying their babies across bridges in the park and on walking trails.

– Chocolate, raisins, and onions are poisonous to babies.  Don’t ever feed your baby these things.

– Never feed babies from the table.  Table scraps are bad for babies.

– Babies are allergic to garlic.  If you aren’t a fan of babies and want babies to stay away from you, then wear a string of garlic cloves around your neck.

– Babies are also allergic to silver, so always use plastic spoons with babies.

Those are some of the basics of baby care.  As you can see already, caring for a baby is no field day.  It’s a lot of work and making sure babies don’t do a lot of things.  Now if you aren’t directly caring for babies, then there are some other tips you should probably know if you are going to be around babies or people with babies.  Here are some additional baby facts.

– Babies can’t enter your home on their own.  They have to be invited in.  This is why most parents will ask you if it is okay if they bring their baby places.  Once the baby has entered your house, it can come in again any time it wants.  If someone asks you if it is okay to bring their baby to your house, always say no.

– Babies hate crosses and holy water.  This explains why babies cry so much at a baptism.  Much like everyone else in the church, the babies are in agonizing pain throughout the baptism process.

– If you are on a boat and you hear a baby crying, you should get away from it immediately.  The wails of babies have been known to lure unwary sailors to their doom.

– Babies can’t stand the yodeling of Slim Whitman in his song Indian Love Call.  I’ve heard listening to the song will make a baby’s head explode.

– I’ve heard the gaze of a baby can turn you to stone.  I’ve never seen this happen, but I don’t look directly into the eyes of babies just to be on the safe side.

That’s pretty much all you need to know about caring for babies.  When you know all the rules, baby care is a whole lot easier.  Oh,  some people say that if you can guess a baby’s name, then it has to take you to its pot of gold.  But that’s just ridiculous.  Babies don’t have money.

Jobs I Think I’d Be Really Great At

Now most people will list my greatest quality as my hair.  But a close second would have to be my modesty.  And being modest means I have to admit that any job I would take I would be great at.  However, there are some jobs I think I’d be really great at.  What are the jobs that I would be really great at?  Well, I’m glad you freakin’ asked!

Mall Kiosk Attendant – Being my own boss is at the top of my list of job requirements right after great pay, benefits, dental, vision, a great snack room, free coffee, and an eleven-hour work week.  And I’ve also always said that if you want anything done right, you might as well do it yourself.  So being a mall kiosk attendant is the best of both worlds.  I’m my own boss and my own employee, which also means I’m simultaneously my favorite boss and employee, so that’s a bonus win-win.  I get to keep up with my own inventory.  I get to interact with people at my leisure.  And there are always a lot of hot girls with little-to-no supervision at the mall, which, in the pickup artist biz, is what they call a “target rich environment.”  So I’d have that going for me.

Toll Booth Operator – Being a toll booth operator shares a lot of the same advantages that being a mall kiosk attendant has.  And I do like working in quaint and close quarters  (the school I used to work at literally set my office up in a utility closet.  No joke, the height of my office was greater than the sum of its length and width.  It was like working in an elevator shaft).  The shorter the interaction with people I have, the better I like it, so taking money or making change to someone who doesn’t even want to stop at my booth to begin with means I’ll be great at moving people along.  I should also mention I’m wicked efficient at repetitive tasks.

Tour Guide – I know a lot of stuff about a lot of places.  And I love to tell people about that stuff.  Not to mention I’m one hell of a leader.  And I look good in a variety of period style hats.  I think tour guide is a slam dunk.  Not to mention that it would get me out of the house.  Historic residence, classic car garage, Civil War battle site, house of wax, Smithsonian, origami museum, I could pretty much handle anything that a tour could throw at me.  And if I happen to end up as some sort of jungle tour guide, I’m well prepared.  I’ve seen Romancing the Stone probably 30 times and I’ve seen Jewel of the Nile twice.  Like I said, slam dunk.

Beauty Pageant Judge – One of the many talents (along with modesty) that I was gifted with is the fervent desire to look at beautiful women and judge them based on a series of competitions focused primarily on superficial criteria.   This is also why I apathetically excel at judging costume contests.  It’s also the reason why Doctor Who never wins a costume contest that I judge.  It’s mostly because I don’t understand Doctor Who and how can I, in good conscience, choose something that I don’t understand?  It’s a rhetorical question, Doctor Who fans.  Don’t try to explain it to me.  And granted, I don’t understand what goes on in Utah, but I can sure tell if a girl from Utah is prettier and answers questions better than 49 other girls.  Actually, now that I think about it, a sexy girl Doctor Who would probably stand a good chance in a costume contest that I’m judging.  Food for thought, Whovians.

Starship Captain – I’m not sure if this is a real job yet, but as soon as it becomes one, I should be on the list of first people to captain a starship.  If there should be anyone responsible for 600,000 metric tons of metal cruising through space exploring planets and romancing beautiful alien women, it should be me.  I’ve seen every episode of Star Trek twice now.  And as long as Netflix keeps them up and I have any shred of free time, I’ll will have seen them all three times by the time this becomes a real job (unless it already is, in which case two times is gonna have to cut it).  I’ve also seen Starship Troopers, Star Wars, and Galaxy Quest, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got Starship Captainry down.  Not to mention that I’m well-liked and I have great hair (and don’t forget my modesty).

Lounge Singer – I’m not that great of a singer, but no one can argue that I’m a very passionate singer.  That makes me perfect for singing in a lounge with drunk people who don’t particularly care about quality so much as they do showmanship.  Not to mention, I look great in a suit.  I will have to find someone who plays a piano because I don’t play the piano very well that great at all.

State Representative – How hard can this job be?  Seriously, I watch a fair amount of C-SPAN and it seems like all you need to be a state representative is a decent suit and the desire to sit in a fancy room and listen to other people talk about stuff only they care about.  I do that all the time now, and my suits are far better than decent.  So I might as well get paid well and get great benefits for all my trouble.

That’s just a start.  I’m sure there are thousands more jobs I’d be really well-suited for.  But my modesty will only permit me to list so many at a time.


How I Got These Scars

So my blood pressure is just fine but my cholesterol is a little high?  Don’t those balance each other out?  Oh, they don’t?  Look, I’m not a doctor like you.  I don’t know these things.  Is this something I should be worried about?  No?  Then why are you even telling me?  Just so I’ll know.  Gotcha.  Well, thank you for letting me know about it.  What?  One more question.  Sure.  Ask away, doc.  Oh, where did I get all my scars?  That’s a great question.  I’m glad you asked.  And, yeah, I suppose they are all pretty obvious when I’m sitting here naked.  Speaking of which, can I tell you about them while I’m getting dressed?  Don’t get me wrong, I like a good meat freezer, but you guys are overdoing it a little here.  Seriously, your air-conditioning bill must be stupid expensive.  But then again, I guess you probably never turn on the heat in the winter so it all balances out.  Oh, right, my scars.  Sure.  Well, let’s see.

I guess let’s start with the most obviously ones on my forehead.  The one on the left side of my forehead was when I stopped myself with the edge of a street sign while riding my bike down a steep grade.  I know it sounds terrible, but you should’ve seen the street sign.  That thing was bent all to hell.  And bloody!  Man, was it bloody.  Your forehead bleeds A LOT!  What am I saying, you’re a doctor.  You probably already knew that.  Bet they taught you that at John Hopscotch University or wherever you went to doctor school.  It’s John what?  Whatever.

Anyway, this other forehead scar I got from headbutting a Stormtrooper.  Yeah, a Stormtrooper.  Have you ever seen Star Wars?  Yeah, you know those white guys?  No, the guys with the laser swords are the Jedi.  And they’re called lightsabers.  Yeah, they do look like they’re dressed in bath robes.  But the guys in the white armor, you remember them?  Yeah, those guys are Stormtroopers.  How did I meet them?  No, I didn’t work on the movie.  I was at this comic book convention and there were a bunch of people dressed up as Stormtroopers.  Yeah, it’s apparently a big thing.  They have this whole 700 Club they are in.  So I said to one of them, “Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?” which is a line from the movie.  Well, she didn’t think it was funny.  Yeah, she.  Yeah, girls dress up as guys all the time at comic book conventions.  I don’t judge.  Anyway, she sucker punched me in the side and I headbutted her as a natural reaction.  Those plastic helmet crack pretty easily from a solid headbutt, but, interestingly enough, cracked plastic is apparently really sharp.  And again, foreheads bleed a lot.  Yeah, the helmet protected her pretty well, but I got this forehead scar and broke my nose.  Broken noses bleed a lot too.  But again, you’re a doctor, so you probably already knew that.  No, she didn’t get in trouble.  I got kicked out of the comic book convention for causing a ruckus.  She felt bad about it.  We ended up dating for a while until she got into Attack on Titan cosplay and posting on Reddit.  Some people are into that kind of thing, but it was just too weird for me.

This scar on my elbow is probably my favorite.  I was visiting New York City and I was riding the subway.  I know, you have to ride the subway if you visit New York City.  Anyway, as I was getting off the subway I got pushed down by Kevin Meaney.  I landed on my elbow and broke it and ended up getting a compound fracture.  The bone popped right out of my arm.  It was totally gross.  And Kevin kept right on going.  Who’s Kevin Meaney?  The guy who would always say “That’s not right!”  Yeah, that guy!  Oh, I don’t know what he’s doing now, but a few years ago he was pushing people around the subways near Tribeca.

This scar on my index finger is from when I dropped my lucky marble down the garbage disposal.  This scar near my ankle is from a deer attack.  The one across my lower back is from a dessert bar fight.  This one on my left side is where I got shot with an arrow at Ren Faire.  The one on the back of my left knee is from a patio furniture fire.  The one on my chest is from a board game night accident.  I’ve got one on the top of my head where I got hit with an inflatable raft.  And the one on the side of my neck is from when I got my head stuck in a hay baler.

This scar here on my upper thigh is from one of my ex-wives.  The scar just above my shoulder blade is from the same ex-wife.  And so is this one on my left forearm.  She was clearly a stabber.  I eventually had to get a gun safe for all the knives in the house.  And these three small scars near my shoulder, that’s where she stabbed me with a salad fork at The Cheesecake Factory.  What?  Oh, yeah, it didn’t work out.  We got divorced.  She’s actually went to prison for lunging at the judge and stabbing a deputy with a Bic Clic Stic pen during our divorce hearing.  I think she got five years.  But I got a letter from the court that she’s out on good behavior, which I seriously doubt.  She probably slept her way out of prison.  I don’t know.  I guess it’s a thing.  You can sleep your way up the corporate ladder, makes sense you could sleep your way out of prison too.

You’re right, doc, I probably am lucky to be alive.  Makes that high cholesterol not seem so bad.  What?  Oh, yeah, my pinky toe.  I lost that in a snow shoveling competition.


Times You Don’t Want to be the Center of Attention

People love attention.  And people love being the center of attention.  I know first hand.  I used to have a slightly better than moderately rated overnight radio show.  And being the center of attention can be a wonderful thing.  That’s why shows like American Idol and America’s Got Talent and America’s Funniest Videos do so well.  It’s literally the reason Tom Bergeron still has a job.  But for all you attention hogs out there (you know who you are), there are times when being the center of attention is not the thing you want at all.  In fact, it is those times that being the center of attention is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.  Let me give you some examples.

• Court – That’s right.  Unless you are getting paid to be there, court is not a place where you want to be the center of attention.  The judge, the bailiff, the prosecuting attorney, the defense attorney, members of the jury, head juror, courtroom artist, stenographer, even the person who wins the case, you know what all those people have in common?  That’s right!  They’re all getting paid to be there.  And if you’re the center of attention in a courtroom and you’re not drawing some kind of paycheck, then I can guarantee that’s bad news for you.

• Anything involving the cops – Let’s say you’re selling “merchandise” out of the back of your van in a “shady” neighborhood.  And let’s say you’re “meeting your sales goals for the month.”  You’re the center of attention with your particular brand of “clientele.”  And you’re stackin’ smackers like a brick layer, so that’s the right kind of attention.   But then the Five-0 rolls up on you and “da man” gets all up in your grill and starts damaging your cool.  Your “clientele” all “run away like they done stole somethin’,” so you’re not making any money anymore.  So now the “law-enforcement authorities” are on the scene and you’re the center of attention because of some misunderstanding about “fencing” goods.  So this quickly turns into another situation where if you’re not on the clock, then you do not want to be the center of attention.

• Explosions – There’s no questions about it, explosions are awesome.  Michael Bay and any eight-year-old kid can tell you that.  Whether you are blowing up Barbie dolls or G.I. Joes (if you’re an eight-year-old kid) or cars, trucks, trains, ships, buildings, aliens, robots, alien robots, pyramids, tanks, battleships, small villages, large cities, space stations, and everything else that will and won’t blow up (if you’re Michael Bay), the point here is when that fiery concussion wave of rich, black smoke and smoldering debris erupts in that split-second of destructive heavenly bliss, if you’re not getting paid to make that explosion happen, you do not want to be the center of attention.  So aside from building demolition crews, fireworks display coordinators, pyrotechnicians, military bombardiers, and certain chemists, being the center of attention after any kind of explosion is not going to fair well in your favor.

• Weddings – Unless you’re the bride, being the center of attention at a wedding is going to end up as a fist fight in a church parking lot or getting shived by the bride in a crowded reception hall.  Trust me, I know about both of these.  So unless you are getting paid to be at that wedding, say as the minister or the DJ, or the bride (let’s face it, having someone pay for your ridiculously expensive wedding is just like printing money), then you do not want to be the center of attention.  And often, the bride shiving you is only the tip of that iceberg of trouble.  Wait until her brother who was in the Marines finds out and demonstrates how he can break your car windshield with his bare fist and proves he can shove you into a trash can.  And then her father who is an active member of the NRA shows you his impressive bullet collection by displaying them in the side of your powder blue Kia Sorento with the already busted windshield.  When they say a wedding is a bride’s day, let her have that day and, for your own well being (and the well-being of your powder blue Kia Sorento), let her be the center of attention.

I could really go on and on with scenarios, instances, and times where you don’t want to be the center of attention, but what this really boils down to is, unless you are getting paid or compensated in some way, being the center of attention is bad news.  So when you find yourself in a situation where you want to be the center of attention, just ask what you are getting out of it first, and if that answer is fame or fortune (or at the very least hourly minimum wage), then, by all means, be the center of attention like a boss.


♠ The title for this essay is courtesy of Brandon Echols.  If you have an essay title you’d like to suggest, email it to  You might see your essay title in one of my books, and I’ll be sure to thank you in the book for it!


Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 68 #140820

sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Food Court at Bathurst Manor.  The Eggs start by discussing the rise of boutique theaters.  Then Chuck reviews two movies, Dragonball Z: Battle of Gods and Wish I Was Here.  The Eggs talk about the Union Street Guest Hotel and their odd policy and Artist and Producer Michael Gross is leading a campaign to Flip Cancer.  And then the Eggs give you some back to school geek tips.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 68 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 1
Boutique Theaters

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 2
Dragonball Z: Battle of Gods and Wish I Was Here Movie Reviews

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 3
The Union Street Guest Hotel Policy

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 4
Michael Gross and Flip Cancer

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 5
Back to School Geek Tips

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Silverware and Utensils I No Longer Need

I’m really good at a lot of things.  I’m not going to list all of them (partly because I’m modest and partly because that would be a whole other essay).  But I will mention one of them.  Eating.  I’m super good at eating.  I don’t look at a meal as just something to sustain my body.  And I don’t look at a meal as a social get-together.  I look at a meal as a battle in the war on food.  My job is to eliminate the enemy without discretion.  I attack my plate with the fervor of a barbarian and the piety of a crusader.  And in any battle, the weapon you choose is of the utmost importance.

I use a spoon.  It is my weapon of choice in the war on food.  Every food that I eat I can eat with a spoon.  And if I can’t eat it with a spoon, I just choose not to eat it.  And there are very few foods in general that you can’t eat with a spoon.  Some people say steak.  But if a steak is cooked right, I can cut it and eat it with a spoon just like any other food.  So since I always use a spoon for eating, it has come to my attention that:

1. Lots of restaurants don’t automatically give you a spoon and you have to ask for one, and

2. I don’t have a use for a lot of other silverware or utensils.

Number two is what I’m really focusing on here.  I have a lot of silverware and utensils that are just taking up precious drawer space that I could be filling with saltine crackers and peanut butter cookies.  So as I stand here in my kitchen going through a drawer of what I mostly assume is junk that is preventing me from conveniently storing crackers and cookies, here is a list of silverware and utensils that I’m pretty sure I don’t need any more.

• Forks – Let’s start with the obvious here.  If I’m eating everything with a spoon (and my steaks are cooked correctly), then this pronged waste of metal can hit the bricks.  I used to think I needed a fork, but after a while, I realized I don’t.  I have two hands and if I need to hold something to cut it, then a fork just makes needless holes in my food.

• Knives – Now some knives do have their place and purpose, like my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set that I bought late one night from Ron Popeil.  It’s  literally the best thing I’ve bought from a late night infomercial (and trust me, I’ve bought a lot of junk from late night television).  But butter knives and other knives that can’t cut through tin cans and still slice a tomato paper thin are worthless to me.  The back of a spoon does a great job to spread mayonnaise and honey and peanut butter and jelly.

• Slotted Spoons – All the awesomeness of  a spoon with all of the liquid holding capability of a fork.  What a friggin’ waste.  If you cut the end of this slotted spoon off, do you know what you have?  That’s right, just another fork.  Slotted spoons, meet my trash can.

• Spatula – This is just like a slotted spoon that someone flattened.  And almost just as useless to me.  Besides, I flip eggs and pancakes with the flick of my wrist like a real man.  Spatula, you’re outta here!

• Melon Baller – Why do I even have one of these?  Someone must have given this to me.  I haven’t bought a melon in…well, I can’t even remember it has been so long.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even bought a melon.  I’ve had them gifted to me, but usually I either re-gift them (if I don’t like them.  Cantaloupe, I’m lookin’ at you) or slice them up (with my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set that I bought late one night from Ron Popeil).  This melon baller is garbage.

• Can Opener – Okay, I’m keeping this.  I’ll probably need this.  I haven’t figured out how to open cans with a spoon.  Yet.

• Corkscrew – Wine is for chicks and kids.  I have no need for a corkscrew.

• Whisk – I’m not sure why I have one of these.  Which means that I’m also not sure why I would ever need one.  Bad news for you, whisk.

• Biscuit Cutter – There are like 50 biscuit cutters in all shapes and sizes in the back of this drawer.  No joke!  Seriously, like 50.  I’m not sure why…oh, wait, I remember why there are so many biscuit cutters in here.  I used to collect these for when I made Jell-O.  Hmmm, I can probably hang on to these in case I go through another Jell-O shapes phase, but let’s put them in the back of a cabinet where I will forget I even have them.

• Potato peeler – Peeled potatoes are for chicks and kids.  See ya later, potato peeler.  Say hello to the corkscrew for me.

• Potato Masher – Mashed potatoes are for meatloaf and gravy, both of which I like.  Congratulations potato masher, you live to mash another day.

• Cheese Grater – The only thing this rectangular metal tube of slicy death is good for is scraping the skin off of your knuckles.  Besides, I spent three easy payments on a set of really nice knives, and, because I called in the “next 15 minutes,” I got a second set of knives for my boat or RV or to give away as a gift and I only had to pay the shipping and handling.  So I don’t need a cheese grater.  And now that I think about it, I got several other free gifts with those knives which may explain why I had a melon baller.

• Ladle – Hmmm, this is like the ultimate scooping spoon with a very inconvenient handle.  I bet if I bend this handle out of the way, this would make the best spoon ever.  I’ll hang on to you, ladle.  We have work to do later.

• What is this?  An egg slicer?  No, wait, maybe it’s a pastry blender.  Whatever, it’s not a spoon, so it’s going in the trash can.

• Pizza Cutter – You’re cool.  I like pizza.  You get to stay.

• Why do I have a concrete gauging trowel in here?  Oh, hold on.  This is probably a pie server.  But it looks just like a gauging trowel, so I’m going to put it out in the garage so it can get some real use.

• Baster – Baster, you’re not a spoon, but you are really fun to play with when I wash dishes.  You’re in.

• Garlic Press – Pressed garlic is for chicks and…well, you get the idea.  Junk it.

• Zester – My stupid ex-wife bought this because she watched Rachael Ray make something with a zester and we had to get a zester.  And do you know how many times this zester got used?  That’s right!  This zester is practically brand new.  It’s never been used.  It’s been gently cared for and practically undisturbed in this utensil drawer for almost a decade.  I’m going to sell this zester on Craigslist.

The only thing left in this drawer is a set of measuring spoons (Spoons with a specific purpose?!  Clearly keeping those!), three crazy straws, and a brass brad.  Not sure why there is brass brad in here, so that’s trash.  But I think I’ll keep the crazy straws.  I don’t have nearly enough fun when I drink.


♠ The title for this essay is courtesy of Brandon Echols.  If you have an essay title you’d like to suggest, email it to  You might see your essay title in one of my books, and I’ll be sure to thank you in the book for it!

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