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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 110 #150610


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast live from Geek Out in Asheville, NC!  The Eggs talk with Charlie Caine’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse author Julianne Jackson and artist Stewart Williams.  Then the Eggs chat with The Walking Dead zombie actor Wallace Krebs.  And Doc and Chuck round out the show chatting with the inspirational author I.R. Harris!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 110 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 1
Julianne Jackson and Stewart Williams Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 2
Julianne Jackson and Stewart Williams Part 2

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 3
Wallace Krebs

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 4
I.R. Harris Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 5
I.R. Harris Part 2

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Jobs I Think I’d Be Really Great At


Now most people will list my greatest quality as my hair.  But a close second would have to be my modesty.  And being modest means I have to admit that any job I would take I would be great at.  However, there are some jobs I think I’d be really great at.  What are the jobs that I would be really great at?  Well, I’m glad you freakin’ asked!

Mall Kiosk Attendant – Being my own boss is at the top of my list of job requirements right after great pay, benefits, dental, vision, a great snack room, free coffee, and an eleven-hour work week.  And I’ve also always said that if you want anything done right, you might as well do it yourself.  So being a mall kiosk attendant is the best of both worlds.  I’m my own boss and my own employee, which also means I’m simultaneously my favorite boss and employee, so that’s a bonus win-win.  I get to keep up with my own inventory.  I get to interact with people at my leisure.  And there are always a lot of hot girls with little-to-no supervision at the mall, which, in the pickup artist biz, is what they call a “target rich environment.”  So I’d have that going for me.

Toll Booth Operator – Being a toll booth operator shares a lot of the same advantages that being a mall kiosk attendant has.  And I do like working in quaint and close quarters  (the school I used to work at literally set my office up in a utility closet.  No joke, the height of my office was greater than the sum of its length and width.  It was like working in an elevator shaft).  The shorter the interaction with people I have, the better I like it, so taking money or making change to someone who doesn’t even want to stop at my booth to begin with means I’ll be great at moving people along.  I should also mention I’m wicked efficient at repetitive tasks.

Tour Guide – I know a lot of stuff about a lot of places.  And I love to tell people about that stuff.  Not to mention I’m one hell of a leader.  And I look good in a variety of period style hats.  I think tour guide is a slam dunk.  Not to mention that it would get me out of the house.  Historic residence, classic car garage, Civil War battle site, house of wax, Smithsonian, origami museum, I could pretty much handle anything that a tour could throw at me.  And if I happen to end up as some sort of jungle tour guide, I’m well prepared.  I’ve seen Romancing the Stone probably 30 times and I’ve seen Jewel of the Nile twice.  Like I said, slam dunk.

Beauty Pageant Judge – One of the many talents (along with modesty) that I was gifted with is the fervent desire to look at beautiful women and judge them based on a series of competitions focused primarily on superficial criteria.   This is also why I apathetically excel at judging costume contests.  It’s also the reason why Doctor Who never wins a costume contest that I judge.  It’s mostly because I don’t understand Doctor Who and how can I, in good conscience, choose something that I don’t understand?  It’s a rhetorical question, Doctor Who fans.  Don’t try to explain it to me.  And granted, I don’t understand what goes on in Utah, but I can sure tell if a girl from Utah is prettier and answers questions better than 49 other girls.  Actually, now that I think about it, a sexy girl Doctor Who would probably stand a good chance in a costume contest that I’m judging.  Food for thought, Whovians.

Starship Captain – I’m not sure if this is a real job yet, but as soon as it becomes one, I should be on the list of first people to captain a starship.  If there should be anyone responsible for 600,000 metric tons of metal cruising through space exploring planets and romancing beautiful alien women, it should be me.  I’ve seen every episode of Star Trek twice now.  And as long as Netflix keeps them up and I have any shred of free time, I’ll will have seen them all three times by the time this becomes a real job (unless it already is, in which case two times is gonna have to cut it).  I’ve also seen Starship Troopers, Star Wars, and Galaxy Quest, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got Starship Captainry down.  Not to mention that I’m well-liked and I have great hair (and don’t forget my modesty).

Lounge Singer – I’m not that great of a singer, but no one can argue that I’m a very passionate singer.  That makes me perfect for singing in a lounge with drunk people who don’t particularly care about quality so much as they do showmanship.  Not to mention, I look great in a suit.  I will have to find someone who plays a piano because I don’t play the piano very well that great at all.

State Representative – How hard can this job be?  Seriously, I watch a fair amount of C-SPAN and it seems like all you need to be a state representative is a decent suit and the desire to sit in a fancy room and listen to other people talk about stuff only they care about.  I do that all the time now, and my suits are far better than decent.  So I might as well get paid well and get great benefits for all my trouble.

That’s just a start.  I’m sure there are thousands more jobs I’d be really well-suited for.  But my modesty will only permit me to list so many at a time.

 

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 76 #141015


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Restoration Room of the Site C Compound.  Doc and Chuck give their picks for the Ghostbusters all female cast.  Doc has another episode of Doc’s Documentary Corner and tackles Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide.  The Eggs bring you a double shot Crystal Coast Con Warmup interview with Marina Sirtis.  And the Eggs talk about physical media in a non-physical age!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 76 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 1
Ghostbusters 3 Female Casting

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 2
Doc’s Documentary Corner: Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 3
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 4
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 2

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 5
Physical Media in a Non-Physical Age

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The Human Survival Handbook: Part 4 – The Third Law of Humans


Up to this point you have learned the first two laws of humans.  If not, re-read the two previous chapters.  For those of you who don’t have the homework of re-reading the previous two chapters, let’s move on to the Third and final Law of Humans.

The Third Law of Humans:  Humans always travel downhill.

The Third Law is metaphorical.  What it means is humans, when given the choice or left to their own devices, will always take the path of least resistance.   When you think about it, it seems like a natural progression.  Lots of natural things travel downhill.  Water, somewhat round-ish rocks, cars on severe inclines that are jammed into neutral and crashed for the insurance money.¹  In fact, because of the gravity, everything on the planet Earth, home to the humans, travels downhill if there is a sufficient lack of friction or cohesion.

car down hill

Hello insurance check…I mean, because honestly it was an accident.

So why do humans travel downhill?  Simple answer.  It’s easier.  I have found in my studies that most humans are capable of doing incredible things, but most humans don’t.  Most humans take the easiest path.  They want things without having to do any work.  This mostly happens in First World Countries.²  If you watch any television broadcasts from a First World Country, there are lots of examples.  There is a television show called American Idol which rewards humans for singing.  Yes, it is just as ludicrous as it sounds.  And humans love it.  Humans love to be rewarded for doing almost nothing which encourages the Third Law.  But that is a topic for another chapter.

Back to traveling downhill.  Let’s say you want to help someone less fortunate than you build a house.  The first and most obvious way to help someone build a house is to actually physically help them build their house.  You move stuff around.  You install stuff.  You build junk.  You know, house-buildy things.  And for those of us from certain parts of the universe where monetary systems are moot, that seems like the only option.  However, on Earth, which is a strictly monetary planet, there are other ways you can help someone less fortunate than you build a house.  On Earth, you can give money to an organization that will help that less fortunate person build their house.  That means you can feel like you’ve helped and not really do anything for that feeling.  You can literally pay for the feeling of having helped.  And more humans give more money to organizations than actually physically helping organizations.

writing a check

Someone built a house. And I helped!

Now you know The Three Laws of Humans.  And there are only three laws.  Partly because, like most creatures in the universe, humans are simple creatures.³  Partly because there are only three things that apply enough in almost every situation to be considered laws with humans.  However, there are lots of other axioms and corollaries to discuss in regard to humans.  So as simple as they may seem, learning how humans operate and dealing with humans can often be a complex and frustrating or rewarding task, depending on the particular human.

Check out the other parts of The Human Survival Handbook here.

¹  Check your local laws for the legality of crashing your own car for the insurance money.  You may need to employ a friend to put the car into neutral for you.  Remember, loopholes are like cheat codes for the game of going to court.

²  On Earth, there are First, Second, and Third world countries.  First World Countries are the richest and they think they have a pretty decent infrastructure.  Third World Countries are like newly inhabited planets.  And Second World Countries…well, Second World Countries are a lot like the middle child.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk about a Second World Country.  After Earth’s second World War, Second World Countries were countries that didn’t agree with the United States of America.  The United States of America is a pretty big deal on Earth.  But since the end of Earth’s Cold War, I guess Second World Countries are somewhere in between going-to-a-store-that-has-everything-you-could-possibly-imagine and crafting-sticks-into-spears-to-catch-food-so-you-don’t-starve.

³  Much like never saying the Second Law in front of humans, you should never call a human a simple creature.  They get really offended and irate about it.  Part of their misplaced anger may be a fragile sense of self worth.  Some of it may be because they have opposable digits.  But lots of creatures on their planet have opposable digits: apes, gorillas, oppossums, giant pandas, koalas, most birds, and even a species of South American frogs.  Some of it almost certainly is arrogance.  And some of it is probably because they have created things that other animals on their planet haven’t, like motor cars, reality television, and polystyrene peanuts.

The Human Survival Handbook: Part 3 – The Second Law of Humans


Well, now that you know the First Law of Humans and you’ve had a little time to let it sink in.  Or you’ve literally been reevaluating every interaction you’ve ever had with humans.  Clearly, results may vary.  Anyway, put your thoughts on the First Law on hold for just a little bit and let’s discuss the Second Law.

The Second Law of Humans:  Humans never change.

The Second Law comes with a warning.  Never, ever, under any circumstance, even under threat of death, should you ever say the Second Law in front of human beings.  In fact, this is the point in this handbook where the intelligent humans get separated from the regular humans.  Intelligent humans will at the very least entertain the idea and keep reading to find out more.  Regular humans will refuse to accept the law in any form or fashion.  Then, they will call this handbook trash and give it to a friend they don’t like very much or donate it to Goodwill.

goodwill-donations

This handbook is rubbish!

Humans like to think they are dynamic and changing creatures.  And on the exterior, that is a correct observation.  But that is on the exterior.  On the interior, humans never change.  The core programming and behaviors a human has remain in place.  And those core behaviors and programming are  usually in place by the age of 15 or 16.  Sometimes a little sooner, sometimes a little later.  But it is relatively early on in a human’s life cycle.

Now regular humans like to argue.  They like to argue a lot.  And they love to argue their beliefs, regardless of facts.  It’s exactly why religion has such a long shelf life.  The regular humans I referenced above, even though they’ve given their copy of this handbook to a friend they don’t really like¹ thinking the whole time they are gift wrapping it, “[Friend I don’t like] will probably love this book.  They think all kinds of crazy stuff like this.  And now I don’t have to get them a birthday present.”  But that seed is planted.  And like a tiny little acorn, there is a small idea that will start to grow into a mighty oak.  The regular humans will never ever believe the Second Law, but they will think of it often.  They will make little lists of how much they change just to prove the Second Law wrong.  Some may even go out of their way to change their hair color, or get a tattoo, or buy new furniture from IKEA in an attempt to show that they change all the time.

Some Assembly Required

ARRGGGH! The thought of me not changing is as ludicrous as these instructions for this set of shelves.

But intelligent humans…they are letting the idea roll around in their brain pan.  They want to know more.  How is change defined in this situation?  And is there any proof to back up this Second Law?

The answers to those questions are keep reading and yes, in that order.

In order to define change, we must define human behavior as a specific first.  Now there are whole books written on human behavior.  But rather than making you read a whole other book, I’m just going to sum it up for you for the purposes of this handbook.  So, human behavior is what a particular human is most likely to do in a particular situation.  If we go to an ice cream store with a human², that human is likely to order the same ice cream each time.  Perhaps this particular human’s favorite flavor is chocolate.  Then we can expect this human is most likely to order chocolate ice cream.  Now sometimes the human might order vanilla ice cream or strawberry ice cream or boysenberry ice cream.  But for a betting man, if you had to choose, chocolate would be a pretty sure bet.

That means change would be defined as a continued divergence in what a particular human is most likely to do in a particular situation so severe as to establish a new expectation of behavior.  If the ice cream eating human were to start ordering vanilla ice cream enough that vanilla became a more sure bet than chocolate, that would qualify as change.

Now a favorite flavor of ice cream is just an example.  It’s a preference, not a piece of core human behavior or programming.  Human preferences change a lot.  In fact, with some humans, their preferences can change from one second to another.  And that may seem like a lot of change.  However, with that amount of change being the case all the time, the quality of said human’s preferences changing so drastically then becomes a predictable human behavior in and of itself.

Preferences and core behaviors are different.  Preferences are just that, what a human prefers at the time.  Core behaviors are often a little more deeper and complex on the surface, but far easier to identify when you really stop to look at them.  Survival is a core behavior in most creatures.  Humans are no different.  There are a lot of other core behaviors in humans that will be discussed throughout this handbook.  But as an example of the Second Law, I am going to use one particular core behavior of humans: addiction.

Alcoholism is one of the common forms of addiction with humans.  Humans love to drink alcohol to the point of excess.  Something about the apathy that is associated with inebriation is appealing to humans.  And most humans handle alcohol pretty well, relatively speaking.  But some humans, do not.  Some humans become dependent on alcohol.  Because of their personalities, or upbringing, or whatever reason, they become alcoholics.  And they begin a path, a downward spiral, until they arrive at a place called rock bottom.³  Once at rock bottom, they usually lose a bunch of their stuff, and then end up having to go to a meeting with other alcoholics to get better.  This is, of course, a shortened and romanticized version of that process.  The actual process of withdrawal is physically painful and mentally exhausting.  And it is a trip that most alcoholics, if they make it out, only want to make once.  And every recovered alcoholic you meet, once they’ve made it out, they never drink again.  They never touch alcohol because they know how true the Second Law of Humans is.  They know they haven’t changed.  They know they are still an alcoholic.  They are just an alcoholic that doesn’t drink anymore.  And they are correct.  They haven’t changed.  That core behavior of being abusive when it comes to drinking alcohol will always be there.  So as a result, they have altered their environment so that piece of core behavior is repressed.

aa coin

Behavior successfully repressed!

And there are lots of humans who do this.  They take steps to effectively repress core behaviors and programming.  And on the surface, it may seem like change, but that’s not true change.  Because with humans, true change never happens.

I mentioned briefly about core programming.  Core programming is a little different that a core behavior.  But that will all be discussed in a later chapter.

Check out the other parts of The Human Survival Handbook here.

¹ Probably a non-human

² Humans love ice cream, cake, and pie.  Actually, desserts in general.  But according to humans social rituals they can only be eaten at the end of a meal.  Unless it’s a birthday party.  Or a house warming.  Or some type of meeting.  Or any number of other events where it is okay to eat dessert without a meal.  Actually, eating desserts is okay any time as long as there are enough desserts for all the humans present.

³ Rock bottom is an Earth term meaning that you can’t go any further.  This is because if you dig into their planet deep enough with a shovel instead of a laser, you will eventually hit a rock layer of their planet before getting to the creamy core.  I’ve always thought the metaphor was short sighted, as there are any number of things (the aforementioned laser or a simple pick axe both come to mind) you could bring to continue digging through rock.

The Human Survival Handbook: Part 2 – The First Law of Humans


Back in 1942, science fiction writer Issac Asimov, developed three laws for robots in his short story Runaround.  The three laws he developed were:

  1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Those are some pretty solid laws for robots.  The real purpose behind these laws is humans don’t want robots to take over.  An interesting concern considering how much technology influences and controls a human’s life.  But a smart phone, regardless of how smart it is, doesn’t have a face and can’t walk.  Humans are only actually scared of robots with arms and faces taking over, but that’s a discussion for another chapter.

johnny-five

Legs or some kind of tracks are a moot point.

Part of Asimov’s reasoning for creating the three laws was a literary device.  It created some hard and fast rules for a fictional world.  And it allowed those rules to be bent for dramatic storylines.  Humans have their own laws, but unlike robots, most humans are unaware their laws exist.  They function without any removed knowledge of the laws they follow.  And also unlike robot laws, human laws have no regard for other humans.

You might think humans being unaware of the own laws they follow is a terrible thing.  But the thing is, most humans prefer it that way.  It’s easier on them for a myriad of reasons, including less guilt and responsibility for their actions, just to name a couple.  For non-humans, this is fantastic news.  This means as you read this handbook, you’re going to have all the information on you humans you need, can use that information, and the humans will have no idea how you know so much about them because they have no idea why they do what they do.  It’s like being a football team that knows all the other teams plays when the other team doesn’t even know their own plays.  I know, it’s pretty awesome when you think about it.

football play

Wait, what play are we doing?

Okay, let’s start with the most core and basic programming of all humans.

The First Law of Humans:  Humans do what they want to do.

It seems simple enough.  People doing what they want to do.  But even though humans do what they want to do, they will vehemently argue with you that they don’t do what they want.  They will give you any number of lengthy and long excuses as to why they are not able to do what they want.  But when you really start watching humans and how they operate, it becomes plainly clear that they do what they want.

The human author Jim Rohn said, “If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”  That sums up humans in a nutshell.  And humans love excuses to not do what they want.  Not enough money, not enough time, not enough duct tape.¹  And humans will go above and beyond logical means to do something they want to do.  In fact, in almost every case where direct force is not a factor, you can cite the First Law for why a human does anything.

It’s always important to remember the First Law with any interaction with a human.  For example, humans keep pets.  Dogs are a common pet of humans.  There are two ways to deal with a dog, persuasion and force.  Much like a human, a dog is going to do what it wants to do.  If a dog wants to play in the rain, it will play in the rain.  If you don’t want to deal with the smell of wet dog for hours on end, then you don’t want the dog to play in the rain.  That means your choices are to persuade the dog to come in out of the rain with a treat or something better than playing in the rain.  Or you can make the dog come in by force, either by threatening the dog by yelling or by physically bringing the dog in out of the rain.

Humans won’t like this next statement because humans like to think they are better than dogs.²  But humans are animals just like dogs are animals.  Except dogs tend to be more loveable and don’t over-charge you for coffee at fancy coffee houses.  The only difference in dealing with humans is that humans live in a society.  That means in established human society, there is nothing you can say or do to make a human do what you want them to do.  You only only hope to persuade them to do what you want.  That seems like a lot of work, and, without knowing much about humans, it is a lot of work.  However, just like persuading a dog is easy if you understand dogs, humans are the same way.  Humans can be quite easy to persuade once you understand how they work.  Late night infomercials prove that.

snuggie

Wearing a bathrobe backward seems like a bad idea until everyone else is doing it

Now that you know the First Law of Humans, if you’re an intelligent human or a non-human, your brain or positronic net is already firing on full thrusters running scenarios through your brain bucket and light bulbs are going off all over the place.  Humans and their behavior is already starting to make a lot more sense to you.  You could really stop reading right now and be 100 times better in your interactions with humans.  But why stop at 100 times better when you can be 1000 times better!  And no, that wasn’t some sort of cheap persuasion trick to get you to keep reading.  Okay, it totally was, but there’s a lot more to humans and how they work than just the First Law.  And the First Law will only get you so far.

Check out the other parts of The Human Survival Handbook here.

¹ Humans have an odd obsession with certain things.  Duct tape is one of them.  Humans think it fixes anything.  But duct tape is only effective in certain situations, like joining duct work and kidnapping.

² Humans think they are better than any quadruped, regardless of size.  That is partly why humans are so afraid of robots taking over and of raptors being able to open doors.  And speaking of dinosaurs, it’s also why humans need a movie like Jurassic Park to show them what a horrible idea making dinosaurs is.  And even though the majority of humans saw Jurassic Park, there are still some who are trying to make dinosaurs.  Anyway, humans see dogs and cats much the same way and even keep them as pets.  Now upon first inspection, non-Earthlings might think dogs and cats are in charge.  If there are two creatures, and one creature is feeding and picking up another creature’s poop, who would you think is in charge?  However, humans view their pets as inferior creatures.  Yeah, there’s a lot of hypocrisy with humans.  Don’t believe me?  Try opening an interstellar zoo where the prime attractions are humans.

The Human Survival Handbook: Part 1 – So You Have to Deal with Humans


Hello and welcome to my survival guide.  There are lots of survival guides out there.  Zombie survival guides.  Apocalypse survival guides.  There is even a survival guide to being filthy rich.  But let’s face it, what is the likelihood that you will ever run into zombies or be in the apocalypse or win the lottery.  You’re more likely to grow an extra arm or be killed by a bear carrying a shark that shoots killer bees.

The-Official-Filthy-Rich-Handbook

Yeah, it really exists. You’ll never need it, but it’s nice to know it’s there.

But humans are everywhere.  And you have to deal with them.  A lot.  Like every day.  Sometimes several times a day depending on your job and your daily habits.

This handbook is designed for two kinds of individuals.

The first is humans.  A relatively intelligent human who is interested in learning about their fellow human beings can use this guide effectively to increase their knowledge and understanding of the humans and their society.

The second is non-humans.  And non-humans are really who this handbook is written for.  This book will help a non-human function in a human world.

If you are a human reading this, you might be wondering what non-humans are.  And that is a valid question.  There are any of a number of non-humans.  Some examples include:

  • You might be some sort of interstellar traveler from a far away planet who is visiting Earth for a vacation.  Or more than likely you are stranded on Earth trying to find pieces to fix your busted-ass space ship because, seriously, if you can travel through space, Earth is the last place you’d visit.
  • Perhaps you are some sort of galactic prisoner exiled to Earth as punishment, because after all, hell is other people.
  • You are some kind of intelligent monstrous humanoid like a vampire or gorgon that wants to know more about humans to better supplement your diet or your life-size, stone figurine collection.
  • Like the Highlander or Dorian Grey, you are an immortal who figures if you’re stuck here forever you might as well learn a little bit about humans because “they’re just so darned interesting.”
  • You are some sort of android, robot, or holographic doctor who is striving to become more human.
DataTNG

Lookin’ at you, Commander Data.

I know what you’re asking.  What qualifies me to teach you about surviving around humans?  That’s a valid question.  A very human question, but valid, nevertheless.  I’ve been studying humans for my entire life.  And quite possibly for several lifetimes.  But my immortality isn’t the focus here.  The real point is that in all my years of studying humans I’m still standing.  I’m alive.  I’ve survived the humans and their mental and social onslaughts.  And I’ve taken notes along the way.  Not always particularly good notes, but notes just the same.  And I’m willing to teach and share.  And you can ask anyone that I’ve taught.  I’m a great teacher.

Now that you kind of know what you’re getting into, the choice is up to you.  If you’re a typical human, you’ll just say, “Whatever, I’m a human!  What more do I need to know?!”  But if you’re not a typical human, or if you’re a non-human, then you’ll be ready to devour the rest of this survival guide with the utmost anticipation.

I’d Buy That For a Dollar! #130829


music to massage your mate by

also sold under the title, “The Consensual Guide to Date Rape.”

BatDoc Book Club or Shit You Needa Read #130502


how to survive an audit

Since tax season is over…seems like a good book to read.

BatDoc Book Club or Shit You Needa Read #130411


vaccinations

Because vaccinations are something I’ve always wanted to know too much about.

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