This week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast live from Geek Out in Asheville, NC! The Eggs talk with Charlie Caine’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse author Julianne Jackson and artist Stewart Williams. Then the Eggs chat with The Walking Dead zombie actor Wallace Krebs. And Doc and Chuck round out the show chatting with the inspirational author I.R. Harris!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 1
Julianne Jackson and Stewart Williams Part 1
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 2
Julianne Jackson and Stewart Williams Part 2
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 3
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 4
I.R. Harris Part 1
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 110, Segment 5
I.R. Harris Part 2
Now most people will list my greatest quality as my hair. But a close second would have to be my modesty. And being modest means I have to admit that any job I would take I would be great at. However, there are some jobs I think I’d be really great at. What are the jobs that I would be really great at? Well, I’m glad you freakin’ asked!
Mall Kiosk Attendant – Being my own boss is at the top of my list of job requirements right after great pay, benefits, dental, vision, a great snack room, free coffee, and an eleven-hour work week. And I’ve also always said that if you want anything done right, you might as well do it yourself. So being a mall kiosk attendant is the best of both worlds. I’m my own boss and my own employee, which also means I’m simultaneously my favorite boss and employee, so that’s a bonus win-win. I get to keep up with my own inventory. I get to interact with people at my leisure. And there are always a lot of hot girls with little-to-no supervision at the mall, which, in the pickup artist biz, is what they call a “target rich environment.” So I’d have that going for me.
Toll Booth Operator – Being a toll booth operator shares a lot of the same advantages that being a mall kiosk attendant has. And I do like working in quaint and close quarters (the school I used to work at literally set my office up in a utility closet. No joke, the height of my office was greater than the sum of its length and width. It was like working in an elevator shaft). The shorter the interaction with people I have, the better I like it, so taking money or making change to someone who doesn’t even want to stop at my booth to begin with means I’ll be great at moving people along. I should also mention I’m wicked efficient at repetitive tasks.
Tour Guide – I know a lot of stuff about a lot of places. And I love to tell people about that stuff. Not to mention I’m one hell of a leader. And I look good in a variety of period style hats. I think tour guide is a slam dunk. Not to mention that it would get me out of the house. Historic residence, classic car garage, Civil War battle site, house of wax, Smithsonian, origami museum, I could pretty much handle anything that a tour could throw at me. And if I happen to end up as some sort of jungle tour guide, I’m well prepared. I’ve seen Romancing the Stone probably 30 times and I’ve seen Jewel of the Nile twice. Like I said, slam dunk.
Beauty Pageant Judge – One of the many talents (along with modesty) that I was gifted with is the fervent desire to look at beautiful women and judge them based on a series of competitions focused primarily on superficial criteria. This is also why I apathetically excel at judging costume contests. It’s also the reason why Doctor Who never wins a costume contest that I judge. It’s mostly because I don’t understand Doctor Who and how can I, in good conscience, choose something that I don’t understand? It’s a rhetorical question, Doctor Who fans. Don’t try to explain it to me. And granted, I don’t understand what goes on in Utah, but I can sure tell if a girl from Utah is prettier and answers questions better than 49 other girls. Actually, now that I think about it, a sexy girl Doctor Who would probably stand a good chance in a costume contest that I’m judging. Food for thought, Whovians.
Starship Captain – I’m not sure if this is a real job yet, but as soon as it becomes one, I should be on the list of first people to captain a starship. If there should be anyone responsible for 600,000 metric tons of metal cruising through space exploring planets and romancing beautiful alien women, it should be me. I’ve seen every episode of Star Trek twice now. And as long as Netflix keeps them up and I have any shred of free time, I’ll will have seen them all three times by the time this becomes a real job (unless it already is, in which case two times is gonna have to cut it). I’ve also seen Starship Troopers, Star Wars, and Galaxy Quest, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got Starship Captainry down. Not to mention that I’m well-liked and I have great hair (and don’t forget my modesty).
Lounge Singer – I’m not that great of a singer, but no one can argue that I’m a very passionate singer. That makes me perfect for singing in a lounge with drunk people who don’t particularly care about quality so much as they do showmanship. Not to mention, I look great in a suit. I will have to find someone who plays a piano because I don’t play the piano
very well that great at all.
State Representative – How hard can this job be? Seriously, I watch a fair amount of C-SPAN and it seems like all you need to be a state representative is a decent suit and the desire to sit in a fancy room and listen to other people talk about stuff only they care about. I do that all the time now, and my suits are far better than decent. So I might as well get paid well and get great benefits for all my trouble.
That’s just a start. I’m sure there are thousands more jobs I’d be really well-suited for. But my modesty will only permit me to list so many at a time.
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Restoration Room of the Site C Compound. Doc and Chuck give their picks for the Ghostbusters all female cast. Doc has another episode of Doc’s Documentary Corner and tackles Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide. The Eggs bring you a double shot Crystal Coast Con Warmup interview with Marina Sirtis. And the Eggs talk about physical media in a non-physical age!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 1
Ghostbusters 3 Female Casting
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 2
Doc’s Documentary Corner: Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 3
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 1
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 4
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 2
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 5
Physical Media in a Non-Physical Age
Back in 1942, science fiction writer Issac Asimov, developed three laws for robots in his short story Runaround. The three laws he developed were:
- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Those are some pretty solid laws for robots. The real purpose behind these laws is humans don’t want robots to take over. An interesting concern considering how much technology influences and controls a human’s life. But a smart phone, regardless of how smart it is, doesn’t have a face and can’t walk. Humans are only actually scared of robots with arms and faces taking over, but that’s a discussion for another chapter.
Part of Asimov’s reasoning for creating the three laws was a literary device. It created some hard and fast rules for a fictional world. And it allowed those rules to be bent for dramatic storylines. Humans have their own laws, but unlike robots, most humans are unaware their laws exist. They function without any removed knowledge of the laws they follow. And also unlike robot laws, human laws have no regard for other humans.
You might think humans being unaware of the own laws they follow is a terrible thing. But the thing is, most humans prefer it that way. It’s easier on them for a myriad of reasons, including less guilt and responsibility for their actions, just to name a couple. For non-humans, this is fantastic news. This means as you read this handbook, you’re going to have all the information on you humans you need, can use that information, and the humans will have no idea how you know so much about them because they have no idea why they do what they do. It’s like being a football team that knows all the other teams plays when the other team doesn’t even know their own plays. I know, it’s pretty awesome when you think about it.
Okay, let’s start with the most core and basic programming of all humans.
The First Law of Humans: Humans do what they want to do.
It seems simple enough. People doing what they want to do. But even though humans do what they want to do, they will vehemently argue with you that they don’t do what they want. They will give you any number of lengthy and long excuses as to why they are not able to do what they want. But when you really start watching humans and how they operate, it becomes plainly clear that they do what they want.
The human author Jim Rohn said, “If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.” That sums up humans in a nutshell. And humans love excuses to not do what they want. Not enough money, not enough time, not enough duct tape.¹ And humans will go above and beyond logical means to do something they want to do. In fact, in almost every case where direct force is not a factor, you can cite the First Law for why a human does anything.
It’s always important to remember the First Law with any interaction with a human. For example, humans keep pets. Dogs are a common pet of humans. There are two ways to deal with a dog, persuasion and force. Much like a human, a dog is going to do what it wants to do. If a dog wants to play in the rain, it will play in the rain. If you don’t want to deal with the smell of wet dog for hours on end, then you don’t want the dog to play in the rain. That means your choices are to persuade the dog to come in out of the rain with a treat or something better than playing in the rain. Or you can make the dog come in by force, either by threatening the dog by yelling or by physically bringing the dog in out of the rain.
Humans won’t like this next statement because humans like to think they are better than dogs.² But humans are animals just like dogs are animals. Except dogs tend to be more loveable and don’t over-charge you for coffee at fancy coffee houses. The only difference in dealing with humans is that humans live in a society. That means in established human society, there is nothing you can say or do to make a human do what you want them to do. You only only hope to persuade them to do what you want. That seems like a lot of work, and, without knowing much about humans, it is a lot of work. However, just like persuading a dog is easy if you understand dogs, humans are the same way. Humans can be quite easy to persuade once you understand how they work. Late night infomercials prove that.
Now that you know the First Law of Humans, if you’re an intelligent human or a non-human, your brain or positronic net is already firing on full thrusters running scenarios through your brain bucket and light bulbs are going off all over the place. Humans and their behavior is already starting to make a lot more sense to you. You could really stop reading right now and be 100 times better in your interactions with humans. But why stop at 100 times better when you can be 1000 times better! And no, that wasn’t some sort of cheap persuasion trick to get you to keep reading. Okay, it totally was, but there’s a lot more to humans and how they work than just the First Law. And the First Law will only get you so far.
¹ Humans have an odd obsession with certain things. Duct tape is one of them. Humans think it fixes anything. But duct tape is only effective in certain situations, like joining duct work and kidnapping.
² Humans think they are better than any quadruped, regardless of size. That is partly why humans are so afraid of robots taking over and of raptors being able to open doors. And speaking of dinosaurs, it’s also why humans need a movie like Jurassic Park to show them what a horrible idea making dinosaurs is. And even though the majority of humans saw Jurassic Park, there are still some who are trying to make dinosaurs. Anyway, humans see dogs and cats much the same way and even keep them as pets. Now upon first inspection, non-Earthlings might think dogs and cats are in charge. If there are two creatures, and one creature is feeding and picking up another creature’s poop, who would you think is in charge? However, humans view their pets as inferior creatures. Yeah, there’s a lot of hypocrisy with humans. Don’t believe me? Try opening an interstellar zoo where the prime attractions are humans.
Since tax season is over…seems like a good book to read.