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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 106 #150513


sci-fried-eggs-logoThe Sci-Fried Eggs are broadcasting again this week from Studio B at Bathurst Manor.  The Eggs start by discussing DeathSwitch.com.  Then Doc and Chuck talk about some video game stories that are better than blockbuster movies.  Chuck brings you some Suicide Squad news.  The Eggs give you an X-Con warmup interview with Bob Camp and Michael Rooker.  And while they had some time off, Doc and Chuck did some catching up on Listener Letters!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 106 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 106, Segment 1
DeathSwitch.com

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 106, Segment 2
Video Game Stories That Are Better Than Blockbuster Movies

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 106, Segment 3
Suicide Squad News

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 106, Segment 4
X-Con Warmup: Bob Camp and Michael Rooker Interview

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 106, Segment 5
Listener Letters #4

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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 98 #150317


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs return to broadcast from Bathurst Recording Studios at Bathurst Manor.  The Eggs start by discussing the latest Ghostbusters news about the new all-male cast movie.  Virginia Tech is working on building a holodeck.  Mars News Correspondent Chuck has some news about the mysterious Captain K.  There is a new iPhone game that has the nation stumped.  And Doc has a new episode of B-Movie or B-S!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 98 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 1
All-Male Ghostbusters Movie Announced

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 2
V-Tech Holodeck

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 3
Captain K’s Amazing Mars Story

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 4
Do Not Believe His Lies iPhone Game

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 98, Segment 5
B-Movie or B-S? #2

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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 92 #150204


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck from Charlotte Mini-Con in Charlotte, North Carolina.  The Eggs start with a new edition of Crap Chuck Found on the Internet.  Then Doc and Chuck talk about our unexplored oceans.  The Eggs discuss upcycling in cosplay and some alternative literature.  And then Doc has a new game for Chuck called Dewey Decimal Dangerzone!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 92 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 92, Segment 1
Crap Chuck Found on the Internet #9

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 92, Segment 2
Under the Sea: Our Unexplored Oceans

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 92, Segment 3
Is Cosplay just Creative Upcycling?

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 92, Segment 4
Alternative Literature

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 92, Segment 5
Dewey Decimal Dangerzone #1: Gold Club, Gil’s All Fright Diner, and The Game

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How I Got These Scars


So my blood pressure is just fine but my cholesterol is a little high?  Don’t those balance each other out?  Oh, they don’t?  Look, I’m not a doctor like you.  I don’t know these things.  Is this something I should be worried about?  No?  Then why are you even telling me?  Just so I’ll know.  Gotcha.  Well, thank you for letting me know about it.  What?  One more question.  Sure.  Ask away, doc.  Oh, where did I get all my scars?  That’s a great question.  I’m glad you asked.  And, yeah, I suppose they are all pretty obvious when I’m sitting here naked.  Speaking of which, can I tell you about them while I’m getting dressed?  Don’t get me wrong, I like a good meat freezer, but you guys are overdoing it a little here.  Seriously, your air-conditioning bill must be stupid expensive.  But then again, I guess you probably never turn on the heat in the winter so it all balances out.  Oh, right, my scars.  Sure.  Well, let’s see.

I guess let’s start with the most obviously ones on my forehead.  The one on the left side of my forehead was when I stopped myself with the edge of a street sign while riding my bike down a steep grade.  I know it sounds terrible, but you should’ve seen the street sign.  That thing was bent all to hell.  And bloody!  Man, was it bloody.  Your forehead bleeds A LOT!  What am I saying, you’re a doctor.  You probably already knew that.  Bet they taught you that at John Hopscotch University or wherever you went to doctor school.  It’s John what?  Whatever.

Anyway, this other forehead scar I got from headbutting a Stormtrooper.  Yeah, a Stormtrooper.  Have you ever seen Star Wars?  Yeah, you know those white guys?  No, the guys with the laser swords are the Jedi.  And they’re called lightsabers.  Yeah, they do look like they’re dressed in bath robes.  But the guys in the white armor, you remember them?  Yeah, those guys are Stormtroopers.  How did I meet them?  No, I didn’t work on the movie.  I was at this comic book convention and there were a bunch of people dressed up as Stormtroopers.  Yeah, it’s apparently a big thing.  They have this whole 700 Club they are in.  So I said to one of them, “Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?” which is a line from the movie.  Well, she didn’t think it was funny.  Yeah, she.  Yeah, girls dress up as guys all the time at comic book conventions.  I don’t judge.  Anyway, she sucker punched me in the side and I headbutted her as a natural reaction.  Those plastic helmet crack pretty easily from a solid headbutt, but, interestingly enough, cracked plastic is apparently really sharp.  And again, foreheads bleed a lot.  Yeah, the helmet protected her pretty well, but I got this forehead scar and broke my nose.  Broken noses bleed a lot too.  But again, you’re a doctor, so you probably already knew that.  No, she didn’t get in trouble.  I got kicked out of the comic book convention for causing a ruckus.  She felt bad about it.  We ended up dating for a while until she got into Attack on Titan cosplay and posting on Reddit.  Some people are into that kind of thing, but it was just too weird for me.

This scar on my elbow is probably my favorite.  I was visiting New York City and I was riding the subway.  I know, you have to ride the subway if you visit New York City.  Anyway, as I was getting off the subway I got pushed down by Kevin Meaney.  I landed on my elbow and broke it and ended up getting a compound fracture.  The bone popped right out of my arm.  It was totally gross.  And Kevin kept right on going.  Who’s Kevin Meaney?  The guy who would always say “That’s not right!”  Yeah, that guy!  Oh, I don’t know what he’s doing now, but a few years ago he was pushing people around the subways near Tribeca.

This scar on my index finger is from when I dropped my lucky marble down the garbage disposal.  This scar near my ankle is from a deer attack.  The one across my lower back is from a dessert bar fight.  This one on my left side is where I got shot with an arrow at Ren Faire.  The one on the back of my left knee is from a patio furniture fire.  The one on my chest is from a board game night accident.  I’ve got one on the top of my head where I got hit with an inflatable raft.  And the one on the side of my neck is from when I got my head stuck in a hay baler.

This scar here on my upper thigh is from one of my ex-wives.  The scar just above my shoulder blade is from the same ex-wife.  And so is this one on my left forearm.  She was clearly a stabber.  I eventually had to get a gun safe for all the knives in the house.  And these three small scars near my shoulder, that’s where she stabbed me with a salad fork at The Cheesecake Factory.  What?  Oh, yeah, it didn’t work out.  We got divorced.  She’s actually went to prison for lunging at the judge and stabbing a deputy with a Bic Clic Stic pen during our divorce hearing.  I think she got five years.  But I got a letter from the court that she’s out on good behavior, which I seriously doubt.  She probably slept her way out of prison.  I don’t know.  I guess it’s a thing.  You can sleep your way up the corporate ladder, makes sense you could sleep your way out of prison too.

You’re right, doc, I probably am lucky to be alive.  Makes that high cholesterol not seem so bad.  What?  Oh, yeah, my pinky toe.  I lost that in a snow shoveling competition.

 

My Coworkers Don’t Know Me


I’ve been working at this job for well over nine months.  It’s been long enough that I could have had a kid here (and long enough to know that Trisha did have a kid and is now on maternity leave).  And none of my coworkers know me.  They see me every day and none of them know who I am.  I really thought that taking a job at a baltimization plant would be where I would excel as a person.  A job where I would have room to learn and grow.  But that’s not the case.  For some reason everyone thinks I’m this other guy named Dirk Hirder.

Now don’t get me wrong, this Dirk guy is clearly well-liked.  Everyone says hey to me all the time.  I get invited to all kinds of parties and get-togethers.  All the ladies wink and smile at me.  It kind of makes me wonder at times why Dirk doesn’t work here anymore.  It makes me wonder why Dirk left (I assume he left. I can’t imagine as well-liked as he seems to be that he got fired).  And then I guess I also have to wonder how everyone doesn’t know that I’m not Dirk.  But those are all questions that are probably better left unanswered because having people at work think you are someone else is the best thing ever!

Granted it was kind of uncomfortable for the first couple weeks.  People would call me Dirk and I would correct them.  And then they would laugh and say, “Dirk, you’re so funny!”  So I eventually decided to lean into it.  And I leaned hard.  Because Dirk always says if you’re gonna do something, do it big!  Dirk does all kinds of fun stuff I never do.  Dirk goes sail fishing.  Dirk has been cliff diving.  When I took a week off to go see my aunt and cousin in Cleveland and spent the whole week watching reruns of Mama’s Family and The Golden Girls, Dirk went big game hunting in the heart of Africa with Lance Bass.

One weekend I was out in the yard planting some new daffodils in one of my flower beds, and, when I stood up, I lost my balance and fell directly on a hand rake, which jabbed a pretty decent size hole in my side.  I went to the hospital and they patched me up.  Luckily, that was the same weekend of the famous running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.  So I bet you can guess what Dirk did that weekend.  That’s right, that lucky sonofabitch ran with the bulls and ended up getting gently tagged by one of them.  Dirk considers it a sacred scar of the experience of living life to the fullest.

And if you saw my cubicle, you’d immediately realize that I’ve spent quite a lot of money on trophies over the past eight and a half months.  That’s really Chase’s fault.  Chase is a real stickler (a-hole).  It all started one Monday when Dirk was chatting with Cindy, Monica, and Pam at the water cooler and telling them about how he had won this big bowling tournament over the weekend (Kingpin was on TBS).  So the ladies were all impressed and giggling when Chase walked up and said, “Oh, so you won a bowling tournament?  Where’s your trophy then, Hirder?”  Well, that afternoon, I went to Eduardo’s Tienda de Trofeos near the flea market and got the biggest bowling trophy that he had!  And since I buy a lot of guacamole and chapulines from his sister’s bodega, Eduardo engraved the trophy for free!  And the look on Chase’s face when I brought in that 36 inch trophy to proudly display in my cubicle was priceless.  In fact, I sat the trophy on the top of my cubicle cabinet, so the little bowler guy on top of the trophy almost touches the ceiling.  It’s like a little miniature Chrysler building towering over all the other cubicles in of our office.  Since then, Dirk has won 38 other trophies for various events ranging from unicycle hockey to bog snorkeling.  So take that, Chase!  Cross Dirk Hirder and you get burned!

Then there is all the female attention Dirk gets.  I don’t sleep around, but Dirk has slept with casually dated eleven different women at work in the last six months.  Yup, you did the math right.  That’s a different girl almost every two weeks!  Yessirre!  Dirk is quite the ladies’ man.  And the best part is there hasn’t been any drama.  All the girls sleep with Dirk for a couple weeks and then go through this phase where they break up with him because they feel they aren’t good enough for a great guy like Dirk.  And then I, uh, I mean, Dirk gets to be all heart-broken so the next lucky lady can swoop in and console him.  And I’ve found that a woman consoling a heart-broken Dirk Hirder is a one-way ticket to make-out town!

So to sum up the last nine months of my life at my job, my coworkers have no idea whatsoever who I am.  And oddly enough, I’m totally okay with that.  Or, more to the point, Dirk Hirder is totally okay with that.

 

♠ The title for this essay is courtesy of Brandon Echols.  If you have an essay title you’d like to suggest, email it to BatDocBlog@gmail.com.  You might see your essay title in one of my books, and I’ll be sure to thank you in the book for it!

Chapter 29 of The Autobiography of Viva Doc Vegas: Broadcasting Legend


I woke up a little less than 100%.  A night of drinking and other I only assume some of which were illegal things with Amy Lee in the Big Apple will do that to you.  I remember doing parts of the show at WLIB.  I remember Al Franken laughing at some of the shit I said, so I must have been funny at least.  I remember Amy Lee being on the show and inviting me hang out with her and party.  But that was last night and this was this morning, I guess.  Amy was still in bed.  I let her sleep.  I got dressed and headed out the door of room 3202.

The hallway was so bright.  I’m glad I had my sunglasses on.  I walked down to the elevator and punched the little button with the down arrow on it.  The button lit up red as I pressed it.  I took a step back and tried to clear my head.  I heard something down the hallway.  The giggling sound of female voices.  The giggling voices grew louder as the three girls finally appeared from around the corner.  They were all dressed up like they were going out for the evening.  I looked them up and down.  Young girls.  Probably their first time in Manhattan.  You could tell a lot by just listening to people talk.  All three of these girls were amazingly hot.  I shook the cobwebs out of my head and turned on my charming radio smile.  I looked over at the three girls and used my classic opening line, “I’m Doc.  Do you like to party?”

They all stopped talking for a second and looked at each other before the brunette of the group said, “Yeah, we party.”

Jackpot I thought to myself.  Let’s mash the gas here.  “You got a couple more friends because I’m looking to really party.”

The short-haired blonde spoke up and said they were meeting a couple of other girls in the lobby.  The ding of a bell sounded and the elevator doors slid open.  We all entered and the doors eased shut.  We rode all the way down to the lobby without another stop.  When the doors of the car opened, there were two more amazingly hot girls, a ginger and another brunette.  I liked the way this was shaping up.

A quick round of introductions of names I had no intention of remembering and we all headed out the front door of the hotel.  It was dark outside.  What time was it?  How long had I been asleep?  Wonder what Amy is doing?  Anyway, no time to sort all that out.  Gotta stay focused on the now.  The long-haired blonde of the group raised her hand to hail a cab.

“What the hell are you doing?” I said, gently grabbing her arm and pulling it down to her side.

“I was–”

I cut her off, “Do you know who the hell I am!?”  She looked bewildered.  She stammered for words before I put a finger over her little lips.  “I’m Viva Doc fucking Vegas!  I have a moderately rated overnight radio show!”  The ginger and the short-haired blonde giggled with delight.  I pulled out my StarTAC phone, flipped it open, and raised the small antenna.  I called Dionjilo and had him bring the limo around.  The ginger and the short-haired blonde were already on my arms when the Caddy screeched to a halt in front of the hotel.  We all got into the limo, me and five beautiful girls.  “Roll, Dionjilo,” was all I managed to get out before the ginger started kissing me.

We drove around for what nearly wasn’t long enough.  By the time we reached Avalon over off of 20th, I’d made out with 60% of the girls in the limo.  Dionjilo dropped us off and we all strutted up to the front door.  I had been to the Avalon enough that the bouncer knew me so I wouldn’t have had to pay to get in anyway, but, with five beautiful women all around you, cover charges get overlooked at dance clubs no matter who you are.  I don’t remember much about the club other than it was like every other club I’ve ever been to–dark.  The manager of the club knew who I was as well and we were escorted to a private out-of-the-way area with comfortable couches, plush chairs, and free drinks.  As other girls made their way over to say hello and party it up, the five girls I arrived with headed out to the dance floor.

Time had little meaning.  I had had a dozen various shots that people had bought me on top of the three or four beers I had drank.  There were another five girls who were lounging all over me and the couch I was sitting on in various positions by the time the five girls I arrived with found their way back over to me.

The ginger walked around behind the couch and leaned in close to my ear and said, “We’re ready to go back to the room to have some fun.”  She lightly licked my ear and released a heavy breath.  I said, “All right, we’re fucking rollin’.  Who’s in?!”  The five new girls who were sprawled out all over the couch jumped up and we all headed toward the door.  Dionjilo had the limo parked out front when we poured out of the club.  Everyone piled in and we headed back to the hotel.

When we pulled up at the hotel the limo looked like a clown car of supermodels.  Ten beautiful ladies struggled out of the back of the black stretch and to their feet.  I was the last one to get out.  Before I left the car, I looked at Dionjilo in the rear view mirror.  “You lucky bastard,” was all he said and he saluted me.  I saluted back and got out of the car and closed the door.

The girls looked at me and I said, “Come on.”  We all went up to the convention level and wandered into some sort of convention cocktail mixer.  I had learned long ago that there’s never any reason to buy alcohol.  The girls were a delightful addition to the evening as it was mostly stuffy men in expensive business suits.  The girls mingled a bit while I kept wandering around and dumping free drinks into them from the open bar of this event that wasn’t even my event.  After 30 minutes and who knows how much alcohol, I rounded them all up and we headed back to the elevators.

Once we all got up to room 3261, I looked at the girls and said, “Okay, let’s get down to business and party.”  I explained what I was looking for.  The girls whose room this was were all in, but one of girls I had rounded up from the club looked at me and said, “It’s gonna cost ya.”  Typical club girls.

“Fine,” I said, “How much?”

The raven-haired club candy replied, “Seven.”  Never flinching, I reached into my pocket and threw out seven big ones.  She looked at the bills laying on the small coffee table and said, “No, seven each.”

I looked at the ginger who was clenched to my left arm and said, “Do you believe this shit?  Fine.  Let’s get comfortable and get this thing going.”

So 35 bucks later we are all playing the biggest game of Monopoly I’ve ever been in.  If I haven’t mentioned it before, I fucking love Monopoly.  It’s by far the best game Parker Brothers has ever put out except for maybe Rack-O.  And technically Hasbro puts out Rack-O, but Parker Brothers is a subsidiary of Hasbro, so cram your technicality.  But I do have to say this, eleven people playing Monopoly is a fucking wreck.  And girls are loud.  And even louder when they’re being competitive.

Right around hour number three of the game was when hotel security knocked on the door.  Apparently the hotel had gotten calls and Chaz, the head of hotel security, said other guests had reported that it “sounded like someone was being murdered in room 3261.”  Whatever, Chaz.  Then Chaz started asking a bunch of questions about whose room this was and how long they were staying at the hotel and who all these other people were.  I kissed the ginger on the cheek.  She giggled and batted her eyes.  I patted her on the top of her thigh and got up from the couch.

I decided now was a good time to go get some ice.  I took the shiny metal ice bucket and headed out the door.  The ice machine was on the floor below me, so I had to wait for the elevator.  I looked like hell, wearing my sunglasses, standing there in just my Dr Pepper t-shirt and my green and orange striped boxers, holding a metal ice bucket.  As the bell dinged and the elevator door opened, I heard a familiar voice, “I have ice in my room, you know.”  I looked up to see Amy standing there looking me over.  She walked out of the elevator and shrugged her shoulders, “You could always come cool off there.”  She turned and walked in the direction of room 3202.  I dropped the ice bucket in the hallway and jogged to catch up.

Meme Warehouse #140410


cat got a cheeseburger

Whew!  Finally!  The suspense was killing me.

Awesome Sauce #130129


archery park

You know what…I think that would be a pretty interesting soccer game.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 38 #140122


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Conversation Pit at Bathurst Manor.  The Eggs start by talking about the relationship of Star Wars and Disney.  Then the Eggs review some of the amazing and not-so-amazing technologies that were at the Consumer Electronics Show this year!  Then Chuck gives us a video games update.  Chuck and Cher go head to head with Doctor Who Trivia.  And Cher reviews her trip to MarsCon in Williamsburg, VA.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 38 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 38, Segment 1
Star Wars and Disney

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 38, Segment 2
Consumer Electronics Show News

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 38, Segment 3
Video Games Update

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 38, Segment 4
Sci-Fried Trivia: Doctor Who

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 38, Segment 5
MarsCon Review

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Sci-Fried Eggs Chuck’s Secret Show 1 #140106


sci-fried-eggs-logo

Order Up!

Here’s a bonus Sci-Fried Eggs Episode!  Chuck did a Secret Show while at Crystal Coast Con.  His special secret guest was The Walking Dead‘s Michael Koske!

Sci-Fried Eggs Chuck’s Secret Show 1 – Click to Listen or Download

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