What I Know About Caring for Babies


I should start by saying that I’ve never been put in charge of caring for a baby.  But I have been around a lot of people with babies.  One time I was on a flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas and there was a lady with a baby two rows ahead of me.  And people with babies bring them pretty much everywhere, so I’ve seen them a lot in grocery stores and restaurants.  And I’ve watched a lot of movies on babies.  I watched over half of Baby’s Day Out before I realized it wasn’t Willow.  And through my casual observations, I’ve picked up on a lot on baby care.

Baby care isn’t easy.  It requires a lot of hard work and paying attention to things.  And there are a lot of rules for caring for babies that you don’t need to know if you’re caring for your pet (unless your pet happens to be a pet baby, which is okay in some countries), an item entrusted to you by a sorcerer, or your best friend who drank too much at a DC Talk concert.  For instance, did you know you can’t feed babies after midnight?  Now I’m not sure how that works exactly because technically it’s always after midnight in a way.  But I’m guessing it means after midnight up until the sun rises for the next day.  Some of these tips are kind of vague, so I just always err on the side of caution.  Like with the midnight thing, I just wouldn’t feed a baby until noon the next day.  Better safe than sorry I always say.  So head’s up future babysitters, here are some important baby care tips.

– Don’t feed babies after midnight.  We already went over this, but here it is again just in case you’re printing this list out to post on your fridge or bulletin board.

– Don’t let babies out in sunlight.  Lots of parents know this because I always see them covering their babies up on sunny days.

– Don’t get babies wet.  Something about water is bad for babies.  This also explains why babies smell.

– Also in the aquatic arena, babies can’t cross running water.  They must be carried or ferried over.  This is why you always see parents carrying their babies across bridges in the park and on walking trails.

– Chocolate, raisins, and onions are poisonous to babies.  Don’t ever feed your baby these things.

– Never feed babies from the table.  Table scraps are bad for babies.

– Babies are allergic to garlic.  If you aren’t a fan of babies and want babies to stay away from you, then wear a string of garlic cloves around your neck.

– Babies are also allergic to silver, so always use plastic spoons with babies.

Those are some of the basics of baby care.  As you can see already, caring for a baby is no field day.  It’s a lot of work and making sure babies don’t do a lot of things.  Now if you aren’t directly caring for babies, then there are some other tips you should probably know if you are going to be around babies or people with babies.  Here are some additional baby facts.

– Babies can’t enter your home on their own.  They have to be invited in.  This is why most parents will ask you if it is okay if they bring their baby places.  Once the baby has entered your house, it can come in again any time it wants.  If someone asks you if it is okay to bring their baby to your house, always say no.

– Babies hate crosses and holy water.  This explains why babies cry so much at a baptism.  Much like everyone else in the church, the babies are in agonizing pain throughout the baptism process.

– If you are on a boat and you hear a baby crying, you should get away from it immediately.  The wails of babies have been known to lure unwary sailors to their doom.

– Babies can’t stand the yodeling of Slim Whitman in his song Indian Love Call.  I’ve heard listening to the song will make a baby’s head explode.

– I’ve heard the gaze of a baby can turn you to stone.  I’ve never seen this happen, but I don’t look directly into the eyes of babies just to be on the safe side.

That’s pretty much all you need to know about caring for babies.  When you know all the rules, baby care is a whole lot easier.  Oh,  some people say that if you can guess a baby’s name, then it has to take you to its pot of gold.  But that’s just ridiculous.  Babies don’t have money.

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on December 29, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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