The Grey Side of the Force

Now I’m going to assume you are familiar with Star Wars.  If you’re not, go watch Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back.  I include Empire Strikes Back because it’s a really good movie.  Watching the rest of the Star Wars films is up to you.  I’ll wait.

Okay, so now that everyone has seen Star Wars, you have a general understanding about the light side and the dark side of the Force.  I often think about how cool it would be to be able to use the Force.  I think about it almost as much as I think about how cool it would be to be part of the Q Continuum on Star Trek (you can watch Star Trek: The Next Generation on your own time.  It’s not required reading for this essay).  Anyway, back to the Force.  There’s a lot you can do with the Force.  You can lift rocks and boxes and spaceships.  You can influence the weak-minded (which pretty much means everyone except giant worm-like mob bosses and really shady junk yard owners).  And all that’s cool.  But I think there are far more useful things to use the Force for.

I think I would fall in the grey spectrum of Force users.  I wouldn’t be actively evil, like choking people from across the room or shooting people with lightning until they change the TV channel back to Storage Wars.  No, I wouldn’t be mean like that at all.  I wouldn’t do things to hurt people.  But I would seriously make some people’s lives inconvenient when necessary.  You know, just to keep them in check.  Sort of a Karma thing.  That’s cool, right?

Then there are the mischievous things I would do.  You know, the ol’ college prank basics.  Unsnapping bra straps from across the quad.  Penny locking doors from across the hall.  Relieving vending machines of their delicious riches without having to shake them violently.  I’d get a kick out of moving things around in locked or secured areas, just to make security people wonder and be a little more alert on their next round.  If you think your cat is confused by laser pointers, wait until I get into a room with your cat and launch my Force powers arsenal.  I might actually charge people for this particular cat “training” service.  I know there are a lot of my guy friends who would part with big bucks (or several cases of beer) to teach their girlfriend’s cat a lesson or two.  Imagine Mr. Boots’s surprise when I say, “Come here” and he floats over to me.  At the very least, it will let the cat know who is in charge from here on out.

Then there would be actions of convenience for me.  Like for instance when I want to really want to tie one on on a Sunday and I can’t purchase beer until noon.  What a buzzkill, am I right?  Besides, you can’t drink all day unless you start right when you get up.  Now imagine this scenario.

Clerk:  Sorry, sir, you can’t purchase beer until noon on Sunday.  It’s 8:30AM.

Me: *waves hand in front of clerk*  I can buy this beer.

Clerk: You can buy this beer.  *shakes head, confused at what was just said*  Ummm, I’ll need to see your ID.

Me:  You don’t need to see my identification.

Clerk:  I don’t need to see your identification.

Me: If fact, I don’t owe you anything for it.

Clerk:  You don’t owe me anything for it.

Me:  Have a nice day, sir.

Clerk:  Have a nice day, sir.

Me:  Move along.

Clerk:  Move along.  Move along.

I can imagine this Force mind control would be a really handy thing to have in a lot of scenarios.  It does mean I’d have to go to “pay” all my bills in person, but that is a mild inconvenience for all the money I’d save in the long run.

The possibilities here are really endless for me.  Red lights when driving would be a thing of the past.  I’d make sure every light was green when I drove around.  I’d never have to wait at the doctor’s office or pay a co-pay.  My kite would never get stuck in a tree again.  I could finally get those marbles that rattle around in my ventilation system.  I could unclog my kitchen sink without harsh chemicals.  I would never get in trouble for moving a ladder that is “clearly marked” for employees only have to ask for assistance for things on top shelves at stores.  And I’d breeze through the DMV, not that I would need an ID much anymore, unless I ran into a giant worm-like mob boss or a really shady junk yard owner, which happens a lot  more to me than most people realize.

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on September 2, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Wouldn’t you need a system of checks and balances to counteract the forces of a potentially Evil Doc who oversteps the bounds of Benevolent Dictator? I’m thinking Fox Force Five here. A team of 5 Uma Thurman lookalikes (or at least derivatives) who can assemble in times of Evil Doc Rising (EDR) to fight overreaching passive aggression and petty theft. You might not like it, but at least you’d get to battle them, and you have to admit that would be pretty cool.

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