Why You Should Vote for Me for President of the United States
I’m running for President of the United States. That’s right! I’ve joked about it for long enough. I’m finally putting my money where my mouth is (not to mention I’m finally old enough) and I’m running (well, more like briskly walking) for President. Now I’m sure all of you are wondering why I would make a great President. Well, I’m glad you asked!
Let’s face it, I’m totally cut out for politics. I’m interesting. I don’t care what people think about me or my policies. I have amazing hair. I look dashing in a suit. I have just enough skeletons in my closet to be a field day for the media. But those are just some of the obvious reasons you should vote for me for President. If you’re not already convinced, allow me to really sell you on why you want me as the leader of the 4th geographically largest country in the world.
I’ve been working on a sweet platform that will make the Presidential election a slam dunk for me. The first plank of my platform is daily nap time! That’s right, everyone gets an hour nap every day! I know, that’s badass, right? And if you’re at a job, it will be a paid nap time! Yup, everyone is going to be much more productive because they’re going to be well-rested! Then there’s also an hour lunch. That’s right, jobs have to give you a paid hour lunch! Now I know what some of you are asking, “Doc, can I just nap for two hours and not take lunch?” And I say that this is America and you’re free to spend your lunch hour and nap hour however you like! You can even work for those two hours if you really want to, but you won’t be punished if you don’t. I’ll make sure of that.
Now that’s just the beginning. Check this out! I’m going to get this country back on track with taxes! I know what some of you are saying, “But Doc, I already pay a lot in taxes.” Well, that’s about to end for some of you because if you make less than 100,000 dollars a year, you don’t have to pay taxes! That’s right! I’m cutting out all the tax loopholes for the rich and big businesses and letting them pay the taxes for a while. And I know what you’re saying, “But Doc, those rich people won’t vote for you.” And I say, “Who cares!” There are way more people who make less than a hundred grand a year than people who make more than a hundred grand. That’s just simple numbers when it comes to voting. And I’m pretty sure with my new percentage tax plan, I can get this National Debt knocked out in no time.
Now I know this is already a sore spot with some people, but I’m going to fix this Healthcare system once and for all. The United States Healthcare System needs an efficiency overhaul. When it comes to how much bang for our buck Americans get for Healthcare costs, the United States does just slightly better than Serbia and Brazil. And is worse than China, Algeria, and Iran. The only country that spends more than the United States per person on healthcare costs is Switzerland. But Switzerland ranks as one of the top ten most efficient healthcare systems. That means the United States is spending a lot of money on healthcare and not getting a lot for it. Sort of like when you sign up for a magazine subscription but then you quit reading the magazine but they still keep sending it and you’re too lazy to cancel the subscription. Well, I’m not sure how we cancel our healthcare subscription and get a better one, but I’m going to figure that out. And just know that you’re not going to have to pay a butt load of money every time you go to the doctor.
At this point, I’ve probably got the election by a pretty solid landslide. But why stop there. If you’re going to
win a popularity contest, then you gotta make sure you’re the most popular create change and make a country better, then you shouldn’t just stop once you’ve won an election, right? That being said, it’s about time we had free internet for everyone. That’s right, we are going to free Wi-Fi the crap out of this country. No more having to guess your neighbor’s password or having to pay a daily charge at certain fancy hotels that shall remain nameless. We are going to take a lesson from Hooters and McDonald’s and other classy restaurants and offer free Wi-Fi across the entire country! This is America for goodness sakes! There is no reason every citizen shouldn’t have Internet access any time they want it.
Now I don’t know how this one’s going to go over, but I’m seriously thinking about bringing back smoking sections in restaurants. I’ve been watching a lot of Mad Men lately on Netflix and it seems like this country was a whole lot better when we had smoking sections in restaurants. Now, before a bunch of people get all up in arms about this one, it’s just a working theory. But if I can figure out the connection, you can bet your ass smoking sections are back.
That’s about all I’ve got. Oh, one more thing. I’m always going to dress in black suits. I’m going to be completely non-partisan. None of this blue tie/red tie crap. I’m the President of the United States of America. I’m not a Democrat or a Republican. I’m an American! And I’m doing what’s best for America! And if you’re not voting for an American like me then I guess you’re voting for the terrorist to win.
Posted on August 26, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged algeria, amazing, america, american, batdoc, big, black, blog, blue, brazil, business, china, comedy, debt, democrat, doc, essay, essays, everywhere, for, free, funny, hair, healthcare, Hooters, hour, humor, interesting, iran, laugh, loopholes, lunch, mad, McDonald's, me, men, nap, national, netflix, non, original, paid, partisan, percentage, president, red, republican, restaurants, section, serbia, series, short, should, smoking, states, suit, switzerland, system, taxes, terrorists, time, united, universal, vote, voters, voting, wealthy, why, wi-fi, wifi, win, you. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.