Why You Should Vote for Me for President of the United States

I’m running for President of the United States.  That’s right!  I’ve joked about it for long enough.  I’m finally putting my money where my mouth is (not to mention I’m finally old enough) and I’m running (well, more like briskly walking) for President.  Now I’m sure all of you are wondering why I would make a great President.  Well, I’m glad you asked!

Let’s face it, I’m totally cut out for politics.  I’m interesting.  I don’t care what people think about me or my policies.  I have amazing hair.  I look dashing in a suit.  I have just enough skeletons in my closet to be a field day for the media.  But those are just some of the obvious reasons you should vote for me for President.  If you’re not already convinced, allow me to really sell you on why you want me as the leader of the 4th geographically largest country in the world.

I’ve been working on a sweet platform that will make the Presidential election a slam dunk for me.  The first plank of my platform is daily nap time!  That’s right, everyone gets an hour nap every day!  I know, that’s badass, right?  And if you’re at a job, it will be a paid nap time!  Yup, everyone is going to be much more productive because they’re going to be well-rested!  Then there’s also an hour lunch.  That’s right, jobs have to give you a paid hour lunch!  Now I know what some of you are asking, “Doc, can I just nap for two hours and not take lunch?”  And I say that this is America and you’re free to spend your lunch hour and nap hour however you like!  You can even work for those two hours if you really want to, but you won’t be punished if you don’t.  I’ll make sure of that.

Now that’s just the beginning.  Check this out!  I’m going to get this country back on track with taxes!  I know what some of you are saying, “But Doc, I already pay a lot in taxes.”  Well, that’s about to end for some of you because if you make less than 100,000 dollars a year, you don’t have to pay taxes!  That’s right!  I’m cutting out all the tax loopholes for the rich and big businesses and letting them pay the taxes for a while.  And I know what you’re saying, “But Doc, those rich people won’t vote for you.”  And I say, “Who cares!”  There are way more people who make less than a hundred grand a year than people who make more than a hundred grand.  That’s just simple numbers when it comes to voting.  And I’m pretty sure with my new percentage tax plan, I can get this National Debt knocked out in no time.

Now I know this is already a sore spot with some people, but I’m going to fix this Healthcare system once and for all.  The United States Healthcare System needs an efficiency overhaul.  When it comes to how much bang for our buck Americans get for Healthcare costs, the United States does just slightly better than Serbia and Brazil.  And is worse than China, Algeria, and Iran.  The only country that spends more than the United States per person on healthcare costs is Switzerland.  But Switzerland ranks as one of the top ten most efficient healthcare systems.  That means the United States is spending a lot of money on healthcare and not getting a lot for it.  Sort of like when you sign up for a magazine subscription but then you quit reading the magazine but they still keep sending it and you’re too lazy to cancel the subscription.  Well, I’m not sure how we cancel our healthcare subscription and get a better one, but I’m going to figure that out.  And just know that you’re not going to have to pay a butt load of money every time you go to the doctor.

At this point, I’ve probably got the election by a pretty solid landslide.  But why stop there.  If you’re going to win a popularity contest, then you gotta make sure you’re the most popular create change and make a country better, then you shouldn’t just stop once you’ve won an election, right?  That being said, it’s about time we had free internet for everyone.  That’s right, we are going to free Wi-Fi the crap out of this country.  No more having to guess your neighbor’s password or having to pay a daily charge at certain fancy hotels that shall remain nameless.  We are going to take a lesson from Hooters and McDonald’s and other classy restaurants and offer free Wi-Fi across the entire country!  This is America for goodness sakes!  There is no reason every citizen shouldn’t have Internet access any time they want it.

Now I don’t know how this one’s going to go over, but I’m seriously thinking about bringing back smoking sections in restaurants.  I’ve been watching a lot of Mad Men lately on Netflix and it seems like this country was a whole lot better when we had smoking sections in restaurants.  Now, before a bunch of people get all up in arms about this one, it’s just a working theory.  But if I can figure out the connection, you can bet your ass smoking sections are back.

That’s about all I’ve got.  Oh, one more thing.  I’m always going to dress in black suits.  I’m going to be completely non-partisan.  None of this blue tie/red tie crap.  I’m the President of the United States of America.  I’m not a Democrat or a Republican.  I’m an American!  And I’m doing what’s best for America!  And if you’re not voting for an American like me then I guess you’re voting for the terrorist to win.




About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on August 26, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: