Silverware and Utensils I No Longer Need

I’m really good at a lot of things.  I’m not going to list all of them (partly because I’m modest and partly because that would be a whole other essay).  But I will mention one of them.  Eating.  I’m super good at eating.  I don’t look at a meal as just something to sustain my body.  And I don’t look at a meal as a social get-together.  I look at a meal as a battle in the war on food.  My job is to eliminate the enemy without discretion.  I attack my plate with the fervor of a barbarian and the piety of a crusader.  And in any battle, the weapon you choose is of the utmost importance.

I use a spoon.  It is my weapon of choice in the war on food.  Every food that I eat I can eat with a spoon.  And if I can’t eat it with a spoon, I just choose not to eat it.  And there are very few foods in general that you can’t eat with a spoon.  Some people say steak.  But if a steak is cooked right, I can cut it and eat it with a spoon just like any other food.  So since I always use a spoon for eating, it has come to my attention that:

1. Lots of restaurants don’t automatically give you a spoon and you have to ask for one, and

2. I don’t have a use for a lot of other silverware or utensils.

Number two is what I’m really focusing on here.  I have a lot of silverware and utensils that are just taking up precious drawer space that I could be filling with saltine crackers and peanut butter cookies.  So as I stand here in my kitchen going through a drawer of what I mostly assume is junk that is preventing me from conveniently storing crackers and cookies, here is a list of silverware and utensils that I’m pretty sure I don’t need any more.

• Forks – Let’s start with the obvious here.  If I’m eating everything with a spoon (and my steaks are cooked correctly), then this pronged waste of metal can hit the bricks.  I used to think I needed a fork, but after a while, I realized I don’t.  I have two hands and if I need to hold something to cut it, then a fork just makes needless holes in my food.

• Knives – Now some knives do have their place and purpose, like my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set that I bought late one night from Ron Popeil.  It’s  literally the best thing I’ve bought from a late night infomercial (and trust me, I’ve bought a lot of junk from late night television).  But butter knives and other knives that can’t cut through tin cans and still slice a tomato paper thin are worthless to me.  The back of a spoon does a great job to spread mayonnaise and honey and peanut butter and jelly.

• Slotted Spoons – All the awesomeness of  a spoon with all of the liquid holding capability of a fork.  What a friggin’ waste.  If you cut the end of this slotted spoon off, do you know what you have?  That’s right, just another fork.  Slotted spoons, meet my trash can.

• Spatula – This is just like a slotted spoon that someone flattened.  And almost just as useless to me.  Besides, I flip eggs and pancakes with the flick of my wrist like a real man.  Spatula, you’re outta here!

• Melon Baller – Why do I even have one of these?  Someone must have given this to me.  I haven’t bought a melon in…well, I can’t even remember it has been so long.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even bought a melon.  I’ve had them gifted to me, but usually I either re-gift them (if I don’t like them.  Cantaloupe, I’m lookin’ at you) or slice them up (with my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set that I bought late one night from Ron Popeil).  This melon baller is garbage.

• Can Opener – Okay, I’m keeping this.  I’ll probably need this.  I haven’t figured out how to open cans with a spoon.  Yet.

• Corkscrew – Wine is for chicks and kids.  I have no need for a corkscrew.

• Whisk – I’m not sure why I have one of these.  Which means that I’m also not sure why I would ever need one.  Bad news for you, whisk.

• Biscuit Cutter – There are like 50 biscuit cutters in all shapes and sizes in the back of this drawer.  No joke!  Seriously, like 50.  I’m not sure why…oh, wait, I remember why there are so many biscuit cutters in here.  I used to collect these for when I made Jell-O.  Hmmm, I can probably hang on to these in case I go through another Jell-O shapes phase, but let’s put them in the back of a cabinet where I will forget I even have them.

• Potato peeler – Peeled potatoes are for chicks and kids.  See ya later, potato peeler.  Say hello to the corkscrew for me.

• Potato Masher – Mashed potatoes are for meatloaf and gravy, both of which I like.  Congratulations potato masher, you live to mash another day.

• Cheese Grater – The only thing this rectangular metal tube of slicy death is good for is scraping the skin off of your knuckles.  Besides, I spent three easy payments on a set of really nice knives, and, because I called in the “next 15 minutes,” I got a second set of knives for my boat or RV or to give away as a gift and I only had to pay the shipping and handling.  So I don’t need a cheese grater.  And now that I think about it, I got several other free gifts with those knives which may explain why I had a melon baller.

• Ladle – Hmmm, this is like the ultimate scooping spoon with a very inconvenient handle.  I bet if I bend this handle out of the way, this would make the best spoon ever.  I’ll hang on to you, ladle.  We have work to do later.

• What is this?  An egg slicer?  No, wait, maybe it’s a pastry blender.  Whatever, it’s not a spoon, so it’s going in the trash can.

• Pizza Cutter – You’re cool.  I like pizza.  You get to stay.

• Why do I have a concrete gauging trowel in here?  Oh, hold on.  This is probably a pie server.  But it looks just like a gauging trowel, so I’m going to put it out in the garage so it can get some real use.

• Baster – Baster, you’re not a spoon, but you are really fun to play with when I wash dishes.  You’re in.

• Garlic Press – Pressed garlic is for chicks and…well, you get the idea.  Junk it.

• Zester – My stupid ex-wife bought this because she watched Rachael Ray make something with a zester and we had to get a zester.  And do you know how many times this zester got used?  That’s right!  This zester is practically brand new.  It’s never been used.  It’s been gently cared for and practically undisturbed in this utensil drawer for almost a decade.  I’m going to sell this zester on Craigslist.

The only thing left in this drawer is a set of measuring spoons (Spoons with a specific purpose?!  Clearly keeping those!), three crazy straws, and a brass brad.  Not sure why there is brass brad in here, so that’s trash.  But I think I’ll keep the crazy straws.  I don’t have nearly enough fun when I drink.


♠ The title for this essay is courtesy of Brandon Echols.  If you have an essay title you’d like to suggest, email it to  You might see your essay title in one of my books, and I’ll be sure to thank you in the book for it!

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on August 19, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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