Why You’re Going to Wish You Were My Date Next Year on Valentine’s Day
I’ve already decided that next year I’m going to totally rock out Valentine’s Day harder than anyone else. I wrote it down in my New Year’s resolutions, and I fully plan to make good on that. And seeing as how most of my other resolutions (I make a lot of resolutions) haven’t gone so well, this is a great time to settle the score with my overactive resolution-making self and put a point on the board. And a score of 1 and 334 is better than zero and 335 (I said I make a lot of resolutions).
So how am I going to totally rock out Valentine’s Day harder than anyone else? Well, I haven’t quite got that far in my planning yet. But I’ve got a lot of ideas I’ve been jotting down on post-it notes, cocktail napkins, and on the back of Aldi receipts. What are some of the awesome ideas I’ve got? Well, I’m not going to ruin all the magic (or give all the guys out there my entire, completely badass, awesome, guaranteed-panty-dropping plan), but I will give all the lovely ladies out there a glimpse of the awesomeness that will be being my date for Valentine’s Day next year.
First off, I hope you have something classy in the red color family to wear, because I’ve got a sweet red suit! I actually bought the suit like four years ago on clearance at K-Mart. I can remember when I saw it, I thought to myself, “One day I’m going to need this sweet red suit.” And next year on Valentine’s Day is going to be that day! It is the classiest, most dope, red suit ever. It’s this deep red color with black piping all around the edges. It’s got matching red pants and a matching double-breasted red vest. The guy working the register at K-Mart said he bought the blue version and assured me that this was the kind of suit that looked great on a hot college girl’s dorm room floor. And for just $18 on clearance, that makes it literally the perfect suit for this epic occasion.
Now I’m sure there will be some flowers involved. There will be a great dinner at a fancy restaurant like Cracker Barrel (seriously, who doesn’t like Cracker Barrel? And if you don’t like Cracker Barrel then, honestly, you’re not really the right speed to be my date for Valentine’s Day). And there might even be some romantic music if I can find my best of Hi Tek 3 cassette tape.
But one thing there will be a lot of, and you can count on this one, is chocolate! I mean a lot of chocolate! Don’t even think I’m bluffing either because when I say a lot of chocolate, I mean like Willy-Wonka-factory-chocolate-river a lot! I’ve been buying up chocolate at after Easter sales, after Halloween sales, and after Valentine’s Day sales for the past few years. I had to buy a whole other refrigerator for 35 bucks off of Craigslists and run an extension cord onto my front porch to store all the chocolate I’ve been collecting. I’ve been carrying a book bag so that when I’m anywhere there is free chocolate, (like at a doctor’s office or a kid’s birthday party) I can load that book bag up! And that fridge on my front porch is almost full of chocolate! It’s actually getting hard to close the door the thing is so damn full. And ladies, the only two words you need to know are–CHOCOLATE JACUZZI! It’s okay, I too just got a little teary-eyed/aroused/hungry just typing those two words together.
So I hope all of you, especially the ladies (you know who you are), are ready for 2.14 because it is going to be the end-all-be-all of Valentine’s Days! Don’t you like how I wrote the date like that, 2.14, like big/action-packed/crappy movies do it. I had to write it like that because you all need to understand just how big/action-packed/not-even-crappy I’m going to make the next Valentine’s Day. So don’t forget–wait, why am I even saying that? You’re not going to forget. Not with all the advertising I’m buying on the CW.
Posted on August 11, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged 3, advertising, bag, barrel, batdoc, blog, book, cassette, chocolate, clearance, comedy, cracker, craigslist, cw, date, day, dinner, doc, easter, essay, flowers, free, fridge, front, funny, going, halloween, hi, humor, jacuzzi, k, k-mart, laugh, my, new, next, on, original, porch, red, refrigerator, resolution, series, short, suit, tape, tek, to, valentine, valentine's, were, why, wish, year, years, you, you're. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.