My First Speech as President of the World

Hello everyone and thank you for joining me for my first speech.  When I suggested the idea of there being a President of the World last Thursday, I was really impressed at the overwhelming support of my idea.  Sure, there were a few naysayers (looking at you, North Korea), but I’m glad that everyone could sort out their differences and agree that we needed one President of the World to handle things.  And I know that when I “boldly” suggested that I should be the President of the World there was some grumbling (USA, you know who you are).  But I think the support (and there was a surprising amount of it) of other countries that agreed that the USA should not be in charge anymore really spoke for itself.  And speaking of support, I would like to start this speech by thanking all those who supported me in my aggressive underground takeover totally legit democratic election.  All those who supported me will certainly be rewarded appropriately in my upcoming planetary administration (Switzerland, all I’m going to say is, neutrality doesn’t cut it around here any more, so if you’re not for me you’re against me).

Having been President of the World for a little over 11 hours, I think it’s safe to say that this new administration isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  I also want to let everyone know that after the convenient devastating power grid failure/Internet crash that led to this administration’s installment, my second in command, Todd, has assured me that most of Reddit and Netflix will be back up and running for everyone by Friday probably.  Todd also wanted to let everyone know, and this mostly pertains to militaries, government agencies, and businesses with openly-advertised religious affiliations, don’t freak out about any files you think you may have lost in the blackout.  We have copies of all of those “lost” files in our secure servers.  Todd used to work for CompuServe and is wicked good at Internet security.  Don’t worry, you’re welcome.

Mad props to the postal services from around the world.  When you guys say nor rain, or sleet, or snow, or volcanoes, or rabid badgers, or zombie chickens, or whatever else, you guys really mean it.  If it weren’t for Sundays, you guys would be solid 100% of the time.  And in light of all the confusion and reorganization, you guys have done a great job of making sure to get all my mail delivered in a timely manner.

In the last 10 and a half hours, I’ve gotten thousands of letters and emails.  I had to get three interns to sort through all of them.  Now I like swears and good-natured ribbing as much as the next person, but some of the letters I’ve received are just straight-up hate mail.  And although it is really rude and uncalled for, I realize there is always a transition period with any new administration.  And I want all you haters to know that I’m going to let the rude letters slide, but only until the end of the week.  When Monday rolls around, I’m going to have a zero tolerance policy for that kind of nonsense.  If you have a legitimate complaint, then you need to write it like an Earth citizen, without all the pejoratives and metaphorical slurs.

I should also take this time to address all the love letters that have been sent to me.  I’m not sure who let the cat out of the bag that I’m single, but there’s no way I can start a serious relationship with anyone who has sent me a well-written decently-written psychotically overtoned love letter in the last eleven hours.  Since becoming President of the World, how could I possibly know whether a sultry skirt’s intentions of love are based on my dashing good looks and delightful sense of humor or the sheer power and modest wealth of being President of the World.  There’s no possible way I can.  So that means a serious relationship is out.  The safest move for me right now (and Todd agrees) is to have a closely guarded harem.  I know that seems like a barbarian idea to some people, but there are reasons why great leaders throughout history have had harems and other leaders have been impeached.  That also means that there are more positions available for employment opportunities.  So just think of it as me already creating more jobs.  And ladies who have already sent letters with your photo included, that can count as your application to my harem.

Now there’s going to be some changes in how we do things, but don’t worry, once we get Reddit and Netflix back up (priorities, am I right?), Todd is going to get everyone up to speed on the new procedures.  And from here on out, if Todd tells you guys to do something, then you need to listen.  He’s my second in command, so I pretty much trust him.

I’d also like to thank Germany for volunteering to provide refreshments for this first meeting.  I hadn’t even planned on having refreshments until they said something about it.  Germany’s excitement and willingness in regard to this new administration is a great example to every other country in the world.  These guys have been have been really great and ready to help at every turn.  Pay attention, ’cause Germany is going places, folks.  Seriously, they’ve been helping out like they’ve got some sort of score to settle.  And they’ve also set a really high bar for refreshments that’s going to be a tough act to follow.  I kind of feel sorry that Haiti is next on the refreshments list.

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on July 14, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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