My Study Group is Weird


My study group is weird.  I’ve heard other people talk about their study groups, and it seems like their study groups are filled with normal people.  But not my study group.  Nope.  My study group is chock full of crazy like a Payday candy bar is chock full of nuts.  Let me explain.

First I guess I should tell you about Karen.  Karen is the self-appointed leader of our study group.  And Karen would be all mad and butt-hurt if I didn’t talk about her first since she is the self-appointed leader of the study group.  Karen worked in sales for like 20 years until she cheated on her husband and then divorced him and took half his stuff, the house, three of his four sports cars, their boat, and their two cats.  Now that Karen is a “free woman” (her words) she’s going back to school to be a nurse.  I don’t know if being a nurse is the best choice for Karen.  I’ve seen psychotic, chainsaw-wielding, serial killers who have a better disposition and bedside manner than Karen.  But it’s her ex-husband’s money that is paying for her schooling, so I guess she can do what she wants.

Rajesh is, and every group has one of these people, Rajesh is the guy who says he has been everywhere and done everything but must have been unconscious while he was doing it because he clearly doesn’t remember a damn thing about any of his experiences.  Seriously, if you said, “I sure wouldn’t want to swim in a river with piranhas, Rajesh would pipe up and say something like, “I’ve swam with piranhas before.  It’s not a big deal.  You just have to make sure the water is cold enough that they aren’t active.  Piranhas won’t attack in cold water.”  Rajesh will also talk about stuff that he’s never done like he’s some sort of certified expert.  This one time, he told us all about how we would all make terrible astronauts because we wouldn’t be able to pass all the tests.  But then Karen talked to Rajesh’s girlfriend because she works at the same Rite-Aid Karen goes to and  Rajesh’s girlfriend said he probably told us that because Sy-Fy played Space Camp, Explorers, and Space Cowboys back to back like three nights in a row.  Then there was this one time Rajesh told us we should only eat goat cheese because mad cow disease could live dormant for 30 years and imported cheeses could carry the disease.  I’ve found that like 95% of what Rajesh says can be debunked by a basic Google search.  Seriously, Snopes.com should hire him as a content generator.

Then there’s Ted.  Ted is a nudist.  Sure it was a little weird the first couple study sessions.  Ted shows up and just strips down.  And I’m not talking to underwear or anything.  I mean, he strips down to just what the good lord gave him.  He says being nude helps him think.  And even though it was a little distracting at first, we all got used to Ted being nude.  Now, honestly, it’s kind of weird watching him put on clothes to leave our study room and walk across campus.  I would say it’s kind of like when you know someone who has a beard and then they shave and they look all different.  But it’s not like that at all because Ted keeps things trimmed up if you know what I mean.  And Ted has invited us over to his house for study group, and as much as all the guys in the group have agreed that we would love to see Ted’s wife in the buff (Ted’s wife is like supermodel hot), we have all agreed it would be weird to see his pre-teen kids walking around nude.  Plus, Ted says they have a strict nudist policy at the house, so everyone in the study group would have strip down too, and Karen is having none of that.

Manda is scary.  And her name is Manda, not A-Manda.  She’s very adamant about her name and its proper pronunciation.  Manda just turned 17 (which would also make going to Ted’s house for study group a little more uncomfortable) and has been in and out of trouble for most of her life.  She finally got to the point where her choices were a minimum of 5 years in prison or 2 years in juvie and going back to school and getting her GED.  She spent a year in juvie and got out on good behavior, although I’m not sure how (apparently good behavior in juvie has a way different meaning than good behavior in the outside world).  Manda doesn’t say much, but from the looks she gives people (mostly Karen), Manda spends a lot (most) of her time trying to not to kill other people.  I get to sit next to Manda because that was only seat that was left when I got to the study room.  Manda will pass me notes that say things like, “I hope someone kills Karen,” or “I wish Rajesh would fall into a vat of acid.”  But I do think Manda and I have really bonded because now when she writes me notes like, “I wish this room would catch on fire and everyone would burn to death,” she will add, “except for us,” and will draw a little smiley face.  I think all Manda really needs is a positive role model in her life that doesn’t judge her.  And I’m not going to judge her because I have no doubt that she would strangle me to death behind the building if I did.

Matt seriously thinks he’s a ninja.  I shit you not on this one.  He dresses all in black all the time.  He wears a mask that just shows his eyes.  For a bigger guy, he’s really light on his feet.  The only thing that is keeping Matt from being a really good ninja is that he is loud.  He talks loud.  Really, it’s like he has no control over the sound of his voice.  It’s like when you put new batteries in an old radio and the sound is all scratchy unless you turn the volume up as loud as it will go.  That’s Matt’s normal speaking voice.  And Matt isn’t just loud when he talks.  He’s loud when he eats, when he walks, when he sits down, when he stands up, when he’s getting Karen snacks out of the machine because she’s too lazy to go get them, when he’s trying to sneak up on people, when he’s jotting down notes.  Matt’s even loud when he’s standing still.  It’s ridiculous.  He’s like a title for a children’s book, “The Loudest Ninja.”  If it weren’t for being loud, Matt would probably make a really great ninja.

Then there’s me.  I’m pretty normal except that I like to sneak up behind people and hit them in the back of the head with a shovel.  So far I’ve gotten everyone in study group at least once, except Manda because I’m afraid she’ll shiv me.

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on July 10, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: