Why Robocop is a Better Movie Than The Departed

I’ve been hearing a lot of people go on and on about how great a movie The Departed is.  And I always ask these loud and obnoxious people if they have seen the movie Robocop.  Most of them say no.  And I proceed to tell them how Robocop is a much better movie than The Departed.  Usually about 12 to 16 seconds into my dissertation about the awesomeness of Robocop, someone starts to argue back, a punch gets thrown, and then a full-on fight breaks out.  And because I’m tired of dodging punches from half-drunk women and their husbands, I’m going to just explain why Robocop is a better movie than The Departed and just print some slips of paper with the link on it to hand out.

Now I’ve never seen The Departed.  But I’ve heard a lot of people talk about it and I’ve got the general gist of it.  And I can tell you that Robocop is a way better movie.  I mean, let’s face it, no matter what the storyline of The Departed is, a man getting turned into a bullet-proof, badass, law-enforcement machine is way more awesome.  Not to mention Robocop is directed by Paul Verhoeven, the same guy who brought you Starship Troopers (need I really list anymore), Total Recall (the original one with Mars in it, not the crappy remake), Basic Instinct (again, need I list more), Hollow Man (with Kevin Bacon and that hot babysitter from Adventures in Babysitting who also played Marty McFly’s girlfriend in BTTF2), and Showgirls (with Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell)!  I’m not even sure who directed The Departed.  But I can guarantee you whoever it was, they don’t have that freaking impressive list of directorial credits.  But the superior director of Robocop is just one nail in the coffin of The Departed.

If I could eloquently describe Robocop in two sentences, it would probably be these two sentences from a many-page posting which I only read the first six paragraphs of before I found two back-to-back suitably eloquent sentences about the film:

“Robocop is perfectly ‘postmodern’ — a panic film suffused with a sense of crisis precipitated by our rapid entrance into the brave new world of simulation, media, and high-technology.  Stylistically, Robocop could also be identified as postmodern in its pastiche nature which implodes and combines numerous film genres (romance, sci-fi, detective, horror, revenge, the western, etc.).”

You know what that says to me?!  That’s right!  This film has everything!  It’s a perfect film (well at least from 1987 until 1997 when Starship Troopers came out).  I seriously doubt The Departed has been so well lauded by someone on the Internet.  And even if it has, I’m sure it’s by someone who hasn’t seen Robocop.

But a stellar on-line review and an amazing director aren’t the only things that make Robocop nineteen times (rough estimate, probably a little low now that I think about it) the movie that The Departed is.  There’s an all-star cast: Peter Weller (because Peter Weller), Kurtwood Smith (and any movie with Red Foreman is a great movie), Nancy Allen (super hot), Ronnie (freakin’) Cox, and Dan O’Herlihy (as Daniel O’Herlihy).  Literally a star-studded cast!  Even stunt woman Donna Keegan is in the film!  She’s the lady who did all the stunts for Kate Capshaw in Temple of Doom!  And who does The Departed have in it?  I’m not even sure because I haven’t even seen the film.  But I know it can’t compare to the amazing cast of Robocop.

On top of that, there is cool shoot outs.  There’s police cars crashing.  There’s dinosaurs (seriously, watch the movie).  There’s T.J. Lazer!  It’s like if the middle 41 minutes of Tombstone, the last 38 minutes of The Blues Brothers, and the last half of Jurassic Park drank too much Tron and made some bad decision and had a kid.  And that kid was a law-enforcement cyborg!  That’s how awesome this movie is.  I don’t even know what The Departed is a mix of (because, again, I haven’t seen it), but from my vague understanding it’s like if Beverly Hills Cop 3 was in an abusive relationship with Fever Pitch and Fever Pitch had a scandalous affair with Married to the Mob.

I could go on for hours about all the awesome stuff in Robocop that I’m sure The Departed doesn’t have (the ED-209 and lots of Police Turbo Cruisers come to mind), but I think I’ve done a great job of proving my point.  I assume it’s pretty clear that The Departed isn’t even in the same league as Robocop.  And if you don’t agree, then maybe you should seriously watch Robocop again and give it a second chance before you start a bar fight over a movie you like that I’ve just heard a lot about but never seen.

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on June 30, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. roberthenryfischat

    Reblogged this on robert's space and commented:
    because it’s reality.

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