An Account of the Last Day Before the End of the World
Wow, almost noon. I really should call in to work and let someone know I’m not going to make it today. Or, by this time, the manager at Shoney’s already thinks I’m going to be a no-call-no-show. But I’ll show him. I’m going to call anyway just so he knows I’m not that kind of shitty person who is a no-call-no-show. He might call me lazy, unmotivated, apathetic, and irresponsible, but I’ll be damned if he’ll be able to call me discourteous. Wow, 37 missed calls and 89 unread texts. It must have been crazy at Shoney’s this morning. But why wouldn’t it be? A delicious breakfast buffet with over 17 items for $7.99 with drink included! What a deal. I had better check these messages and call in sick.
Hmmm, seems like a lot of these messages are asking if I’ve seen the news about the end of the world. Something about all life on the planet ending. At least that’s what the first few voicemails were about. I just deleted the rest when I found out they were all about the same thing. And if you want to talk about discourteous, how dare no one at Shoney’s answer the phone. I tried calling twice and let it ring for 5 or 6 times each time. Whoever is at the front is supposed to answer the phone after the third ring. Amber must be working. She shows up, sure, but she just doesn’t give a damn about answering the phone. Anyway, I left a message, so that should be good enough. Note to self, print out a fake doctor’s note for tomorrow. Whew, I sure am hungry. Pulling an all-nighter watching Mad About You on Netflix might not have been the best idea I’ve ever had, but I’ve always regretted not giving that show a real chance. Time to find some lunch.
The news sure is on about this end of the world thing. It’s on every channel. So as not to ruin my whole lunch experience with the dread and over-reaction of the news outlets, I watched another episode of Mad About You. Only 4 episodes left. I should be able to finish up the whole series this evening. I kind of know how I feel about it, but I’m going to reserve judgment until I’ve seen the whole thing. I also really enjoyed my bacon sandwich. But that was the last of my bacon, so I’ll need to go to the store sometime this afternoon. Hold on, the house phone is ringing. I should probably answer that since not a lot of people have that number.
Geez, mom sure is long-winded. And she is super worried about the end of the world. But that’s how the news media is. Get people wound up over a lot of nothing. Y2K, Mayan Calendar, need I go on? Anyway, she’s super worried because this time the news says the end of the world is “for real.” I’ll check it on Snopes.com later. All this hub-bub is wearing me out. I think I’ll take a quick 30 minute nap before I go to the store.
I don’t think my alarm clock is working properly, if at all. It works when I set it, but I don’t think it’s working when I’m asleep. Anyway, I was going to go to the store, but there’s a lot of sirens and what sounds like gunshots outside. And I don’t live in the best of neighborhoods to begin with. But hey, the rent is great and my apartment building is one of the newest in the complex. Not to mention all the people in my particular building seem to be pretty decent people. Except for maybe Tom. I got to meet him when he moved in and had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he was on the sexual offenders list. But he showed me pictures and that girl totally looked like she was 18, so I don’t really blame him. And I agree with him that it was Applebee’s fault for letting her sit at the bar to being with. Anyway, I’m going watch another episode of Mad About You and see if things settle down a little. Then off to the store!
Only 3 episodes of Mad About You left! I’m so excited to see what happens in the series finale! I also watched the first little bit of the 6 o’clock news. They seem pretty serious about this end of the world thing. I couldn’t find anything on Snopes.com. And there were a lot of news websites that were talking about it too. The news also mentioned something about gas thieving and staying in your house. But I really do need to go to the store and I should probably really be at work tomorrow. I’ve already been out three days this week and it’s only Thursday. Okay, I’m going to make a quick list and head to the store.
Well, apparently my car is out of gas. I could have swore I had like half a tank. Or maybe it was those “gas thieves” that the news was talking about. Ha ha, gas thieves. The news over-reacts about everything. I was going to see if one of my neighbors could give me a ride to the gas station to fill up a couple empty milk jugs I found, but no one seems to be home. In fact, Mark and Kendra went somewhere and just left their door wide open. I closed it because I didn’t want anyone stealing anything. They probably just got stoned, got hungry, and went to Denny’s and forgot to close the door when they left. Silly Mark and Kendra. Anyway, I guess I’m staying here until someone else gets home and can give me a ride to the gas station. Also, I really need to talk to the landlord. The parking lot is a mess. It looks like 40 people moved out all at once and just dropped stuff all over the parking lot. Seriously, I pay like $250 a month and the parking lot looks like the apocalypse is coming. Unacceptable.
What the crap! I just got off the phone with my friend Brian and he told me there was a meteor heading straight for Earth and it was going to hit at like midnight tonight! And we are like right in the blast zone! No one could take the time to freaking call and tell me?! Seriously?! My friends are freaking worthless. Thank god Brian isn’t a total butthole friend. And he said he just found out from his cousin who heard it from his sister and she found out about it because her roommate is dating this guy who works at NASA that she met on eHarmony. And he said that NASA has know about this meteor for like a month. Thanks a lot news media for being so wrapped up in all your over-hyped crap that you couldn’t mention the really important story that really affects people! I should really call my mom and let her know. I’ll give her a call later though. I’m really hungry right now. I get hungry when I get stressed out.
Well, apparently none of my neighbors were coming home any time soon to take me to get gas for my car, so I decided I would have to scavenge for food. I’m glad I didn’t lock Mark and Kendra’s apartment. They had like a third of a bag of tortilla chips. They were the triangle chips, and although I like the round ones, one can’t be too choosy when scavenging your stoner neighbors’ apartment. As much as they snack, I would have guessed there would have been more food in their house. Anyway, I also found a can of Vienna sausages that had fallen behind my toaster. Total stroke of luck. I think I’ll enjoy this wonderful, and I use this term loosely, “feast” and watch the last 3 episodes of Mad About You.
WTF! Netflix isn’t working. “We are having trouble playing this title right now.” Bull! Crap! It’s the eve of freaking destruction. Seriously, how many people can be watching Netflix right now?! It seems like most people are running around shooting guns and looting from all the noise outside. I’m like the only sane person who is staying in for the apocalypse. But I’ve always been more of a homebody. But anyway, no Netflix means no Mad About You. I only had 3 episodes left. How am I supposed to find out what happened to Paul and Jamie?! I guess I could read it on the Internet, but that just takes all the fun out of it. In any case, thanks a lot Netflix. Evening ruined.
There is literally nothing on TV. All the TV channels are off the air. Not sure what that’s all about. I know a meteor is headed this way to end all life as we know it, but that’s no reason to stop broadcasting TV. And now the power just went out! This is stupid!
Luckily the sky is pretty lit up with this meteor headed our way. Guess we are getting more light because we are right in the strike zone. Small miracles, right? Mark and Kendra might not have had any food in their apartment, but stoners sure do seem to love candles. I found like 40 of them and a ton of lighters. So since I’m pretty certain they aren’t coming back in the next three and a half hours, I moved all the candles to my apartment and lit them up. It looks like I’m sitting on the set of Temple of Doom. I think Temple of Doom isn’t as bad an Indiana Jones film as everyone makes it out to be. Sort of like Star Trek V. I could really watch both films before the apocalypse, but since the power is out, it looks like I’m not watching any DVDs either. Maybe I can find a good book to read.
Whew. That was an unplanned nap. Reading always makes me sleepy. And thinking back, Moon People by Dale M. Courtney was probably not the most exciting book I could have picked up. Well, not much time left now. I wonder if this thing will really hit at 12:09 like the news is saying. Brian said his cousin’s sister’s roommate’s boyfriend who works at NASA said 12:09 was probably pretty accurate. Of course, it’s not like that guy’s a rocket scientist. Brian said his cousin’s sister said the guy was just the overnight janitor there. But janitors do tend to know all the gossip. And I bet all those NASA scientists gossip about things like meteors hitting the planet all the time. Well, I think I’ll drag my couch out into the apartment parking lot to watch the show.
Why can’t someone design a stupid couch that will fit through an apartment door?! I’ve been horsing around trying to get my couch out my front door for like 15 minutes. And of course when I decide to abandon moving the couch the sonofabitch gets twisted and stuck. And since it was wedged in the door frame, I had to crawl over the couch to get through the front door to get back into my damned apartment. Stupid ass couch. I’ve never liked that couch anyway. So once I got back into the apartment, I took one of my dining room chairs out the back door and had to walk all the way around the building. Then I forgot my drink, but I’ll be damned if I’m walking back around the apartment complex or climbing over that couch again and missing the show.
Well, this meteor is clearly going to be late. I’m really thirsty. I’m going back around the building to get my drink. I hope I don’t miss it while I’m–
Posted on June 26, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged about, account, alarm, an, apartment, apocalypse, batdoc, before, blog, brian, calendar, call, calls, car, chips, clock, comedy, couch, courtney, cousin, dale, day, denny's, doc, doom, drink, end, essay, funny, gas, heads, home, humor, in, Indiana, jamie, janitor, Jones, kendra, last, laugh, lot, lunch, m, mad, marijuana, mark, mayan, meteor, missed, moon, nap, nasa, neighbors, netflix, noon, of, original, out, parking, paul, people, pot, power, roommate, sausages, series, shoney's, short, sick, sister, sky, snopes, stoners, store, temple, the, thristy, tim, tortilla, vienna, voicemail, waiter, week, world, y2k, you. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.