The Most Awesomest Convention EVER!

It’s time.  I’ve waited around long enough.  If I don’t start this now, it’s never going to happen.  And you’re here for it!  Right now!  You, reading this right now, are about to be part of the biggest announcement ever!

I’ve decided I’m going to start my own convention.

That’s right!  And it is going to be the most awesomest convention ever.  Comic-Con, Dragon*Con, E3, any other con that you think is an awesome convention is going to look like an elementary school book fair compared to the awesomeness of my convention.  My convention is going to be so awesome that I’m not even sure where it is going to happen yet because I’m not sure if any regular convention center is going to be able to handle all the awesomeness of my convention.  I may have to get the Army Corp of Engineers to build a convention center to be able to hold this convention.  What is this convention that is so beyond any other convention that we should come up with a new word for it because convention doesn’t even begin to describe it?

Two words…Kev-Con!

That’s right!  Kev-Con!  What is Kev-Con?  I’m glad you freaking asked.  Kev-Con is a convention for all things Kevin!  I’m going to give you like 5 minutes to wrap your mind around how epic Kev-Con is going to be.  Don’t worry.  I’ll wait.

Okay, now that you’ve got your nose to stop bleeding because your brain was having a hard time contemplating the epicness, let me give you the 411 on Kev-Con.  Kev-Con is going to have all the greatest Kevins as guests.  That’s right.  Kevin Spacey will be there.  Kevin Bacon is going to be wandering around being awesome and probably hitting on women.  Kevin Costner is going to be signing leftover posters from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and maybe Waterworld (I don’t know I haven’t worked out all the details with Kevin Costner, but I can guarantee you leftover posters WILL BE SIGNED!).  Kevin Nealon is going to be there doing whatever he does now.  Kevin Hart will be talking really loud.  Kevin Kline will be bartending in the hotel bar.  Kevin Pollack will be doing Peter Falk impressions at his booth.  Kevin James is going to be doing karaoke.  NPR’s Morning Edition host Kevin Kniestedt will be signing NPR bumper stickers and handing them out.  Kevin Nash will be body slamming people for charity.  Kevin Sorbo will be dressed as Hercules and taking pictures with the ladies (Ladies, please limit 1 picture).  Kevin Harvick will be valet parking cars.  Seriously, Kev-Con is going to be so freaking awesome I almost can’t type.

But that’s not all!  Kev-Con is going to be Thursday through Sunday–four full days of all the Kevin you can handle!  We are going to have a Kevin McCallister screaming contest judged by Macaulay Culkin.  There’s going to be a Kevin Arnold look-alike contest judged by Fred Savage and Danica McKellar.  There’s even going to be a Kevin costume contest, so bring your best Kevin costumes!

Kev-Con is going to be the convention to end all conventions.  In fact, it’s so epically awesome that it may only happen once, like the assassination of President Lincoln or that time that computer beat those guys on Jeopardy (that computer was wicked smart).  Other conventions may just not even do their conventions any more because how can you ever attempt to compare to the pure, jet-fueled-oozing awesomeness that is Kev-Con.  Bringing together all these Kevin’s may actually create a black hole or start the apocalypse (seriously, like almost 3 scientists have emailed me and are very concerned about the potential impacts of so many Kevin’s in one place).

So for all you Kev-heads out there (that’s totally what attendees of Kev-Con are going to be called) that think you can handle it and have the available green to spend, I’m already accepting cash for non-refundable weekend passes to the first (and possibly last and only, scientific concerns pending) Kev-Con.  And I know $300 for a weekend pass is a lot.  But look at all the Kevin’s who are going to be there!  And San Diego Comic Con is like $200, and they don’t have any Kevins.  Seriously, $300 is actually probably not charging enough for this much Kevin awesomeness in one place in one weekend.

And just so you know, Kevin Federline is not invited to Kev-Con.

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on June 13, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Original Series, Short Essays and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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