Ask BatDoc #140411


Ask BatDoc A

Dear BatDoc,

I have a feeling this guy likes me but how do I get him to like me more, like enough to ask me out?

Anonymous 18-24

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Dear Anonymous 18-24,

Well, there are serveral ways.  However, I’m a professional driver (closed course) and I don’t suggest you try any of these at home.

1. Kidnapping, although frowned upon in most states, is a great way to build an amazing rapport with someone in just a single weekend.  It takes dating to the next level with just a simple abduction and ride in the trunk of a car.  But stock up on rope, cable ties, and invest in a good bandana or gag, as kidnapping “clients” can become rather objectionable before the Stockholm Syndrome really sets in.

2. A lot of people discount voodoo as “magic” or “silly witchcraft.”  But if Harry Potter taught us nothing else, it’s that the dark arts are alive and well and quite effective.  A simple love potion purchased from your local shaman or priestess can take that relationship from voodoo to whoo hoo!  Just be careful with any love potion.  You don’t want to end up entrancing the wrong individual or family pet.

3. Showering someone with gifts is always an option.  Guys and girls alike love to be given free stuff.  And if you don’t have a big bank account, then you could always drag your beau-to-be into a life of crime with you.  It is an activity you both can be involved in, and some of the most passionate love affairs in history have been forged on the lamb.

4. If you like a guy, and you think he likes you back, you could always just try some simple communication.  Sit down and talk to him about it.  Tell him you like him and ask him how he feels about you.  We live in a society where women can do the asking out.  So if you like him, ask him.  At least then you will know one way or the other.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best of luck.

Love,
BatDoc

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on April 11, 2014, in A BatDoc Original, Ask BatDoc and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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