FTPT: What the Hell Are You People Looking For OR The Most Bizarre Keyword Searches that Led to My Blog


So one of my loyal blog followers PouringMyArtOut asked me how I get so many tags on my posts.  Well, the short answer was I do what I want and WordPress hasn’t stopped me…so far.

Try and fucking stop me. I dare you.

I try to type in search tags for anything I can think of in a post.  You know, you’re up at 2 or 3 in the morning, and you start asking the really important questions.  Not questions like who is that guy from The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals who looks like Judge Rinehold but isn’t?  (The answer is Tom Wood by the way.)  I’m talking about the really important questions.  Questions like what are the 10 best Nazi Sexploitation films?  (Elsa SheWolf of the SS is the best.)  Or if there is there a Truck and Driver Magazine?  (There is.)  Or does Judy Greer ever get nude on film?  (Topless in Adaptation with Nicolas Cage.)  You know what I mean, the really important pressing questions of life.

Uncanny, isn’t it?

Well, on the stats page you can view what searches people have made and stumbled upon your blog.  And every now and then I will just browse through the list to see what kind of weird ass shit people are searching for.  And people type in some pretty strange combinations of words to search for things.  So below are some of the more interesting and funny and just downright strange keywords people have used to find my blog.

There are some basic odd combinations that catch my attention.  Usually it’s a string of words that stands out like…

  • before it’s too late tumblr

or doesn’t quite make sense like…

  • cold plate breakthrough

Then there are the one’s that do make a little sense because I can vaguely remember a post about them like…

  • funny birthday pictures with Godzilla

and…

  • but my hands are too full of guns

Then there are the one’s that I don’t remember, but I’m glad I posted something with that series of keywords like…

  • dr. badass

and…

  • “Save us Mr. Black Man”

Had this been an actual emergency, y’all would have been EATEN. ‘Cause you don’t listen! You’re ignorant!

Then there are the search terms with words that are really common, but make some sense based on what I know about myself.  For instance…

  • scary shit

A pretty broad category, but I do post a lot about zombies because of my very rational and well-founded fear of a zombie apocalypse.  So I’m sure the keywords scary and shit end up on more posts than I realize.

Then we get into the sex part of it.  I mean, let’s face it, everyone likes to see women naked.  So that leads to…

  • _______ nude.

Every celebrity female I have posted about fills in the blank…Marisha Ray, Lexi Belle, Dina Myers, Judy Greer, Lucy Lawless, Mitchelle Trachtenberg, Kristanna Loken, Elivra Mistress of the Dark, Slave Leia, Harley Quinn, The Baroness, Batgirl, just to name a few.

Then there are sexual search terms that are more common than they should be, like…

  • jailbait
  • jailbait sex
  • jailbait + tumblr
  • reddit jailbait
  • jailbait entrapment

Jailbait entrapment?!  Why the hell did that ever lead to my blog?  And if that wasn’t strange enough, apparently I use the tag necrophilia a lot because these show up…

  • necrophilia video
  • zombie necrophilia
  • penguins necrophilia
  • necrophilia not just for breakfast

Okay, you got me…is having sex with a zombie necrophilia?  That’s a valid concern for some people I’m sure.  But penguin necrophilia?  What the hell?  And necrophilia not just for breakfast I assume to be the punchline to a joke.  At least I hope it is.

Well, that settles that.

Then we move into what I like to consider fetish territory.  Rule 34, right?  I try to remain open-minded about it when search terms like these come up…

  • riding amazon sex position

This does not exist as far as I know.  Yes, I tried searching it.  If you know what “riding amazon” means, please let me know.

  • kim possible and bondage

Who am I to judge what a man and a cartoon teenager do.

  • small pointy boobs

I can appreciate a nice A-cup.

  • big tit steampunk

Who doesn’t want to see big-tittied Steampunk chicks?!

  • moonshine hillbilly babe

I absolutely love white trash girls.  God bless Confederate Railroad and their song.

There’s the ever popular…

  • women flashing truck drivers

Not a bad idea!

And then there’s the winner…

  • floating castle tits

I have no fucking clue on this one.  Seriously, no fucking clue.

Seriously, WTF?

About BatDoc

I’m a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train and bus stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and reducing high-traffic areas. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning plays about pastry. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I make meatloaf. I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and god-like electric air-guitar playing. I can pilot riding lawnmowers up severe inclines with unflagging speed and accuracy and can cook 30-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon River Basin from a horde of ferocious smaller-than-your-pinky-finger fire ants. When I’m bored, I build full size models of airplanes out of Popsicle sticks. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair TVs and VCRs free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Last summer, I toured Wisconsin and Minnesota with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl coat hangers at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Moby Dick, and Great Expectations in one day and still had time to repaint the exterior of my house that afternoon. Though not a narc, I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I can recalibrate and repair gas lines with blinding speed and precision, and I don't require a face mask. I still find time to sleep eight hours a night; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation to Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance; I weave; I dodge; I frolic; and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a jello mold and a toaster oven. I used to breed prize-winning killer dolphins. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis. I have been to Area 51 and seen the complex. I enjoy cake and my best friends are Edmund the Penguin and Dr. Narco the Intelligent Thermos. I tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week, and I’m mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle I started on in 1988. Volumes and volumes of written works have been produced about me, but they were all lost in the fire. I am an extrovert. I’m marginally more popular with feminist than Rush Limbaugh. I don't scrape my vegetables onto my grandmother's plate when no one is looking. Hard as it may be to believe, I have never lost a pole-vaulting competition. I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I’ve never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club. I wear sensible clothing, and I did not mastermind Julius Caesar's death. That was Cassius.

Posted on August 2, 2012, in A BatDoc Original, Flash Traffic Priority Transmission and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I don’t know if I learned anything from this or not… but I still laughed… even though you got the name of my blog switched around…
    I wonder if the link works? I am scared to click it in case there is a guy out there just like me.

  1. Pingback: The Honeypot #130201 « BatDoc

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: