FTPT: Apparently Becoming an Evangelical Christian Has a Lot of Benefits! Thanks Chick-Fil-A!
I’ve been following this Chick-Fil-A shit storm since it started up. And I’ve had some pretty good laughs from some of the articles and responses. And I’m not really a David Sedaris fan, but, damn, gay people are some witty individuals and have some of the best comebacks. You only have to follow George Takei’s Facebook page to know that.
So to that end, LGBT community, thanks for all the entertainment. Evangelical Christians, thanks for giving the LGBT community a reason to use their awesome comebacks.
Now I’ve been boycotting Chick-Fil-A since before it was popular to boycott Chick-Fil-A. And I don’t boycott them because they are intolerant of gay marriage. I boycott Chick-Fil-A because they aren’t open on Sundays. And they assume that cows are poor spellers. But mostly the Closed on Sundays thing. And, let’s face it, Sundays are the only day I really truly crave Chick-Fil-A. Now I understand their beliefs that Sunday is the sabbath and junk. But how about hiring some Jews to cover the Sunday shift? Their sabbath is on Saturday. And they’re God’s chosen people, so they should be cool to work for the company, right?
But my personal Chick-Fil-A boycotting reasons aside, there have been a few people who have pointed out what following an Evangelical Christian lifestyle really means. I started at this video by Jackson Pearce, which lead me to this Open Letter to Chick-Fil-A by Bradley Hartman. (Thanks Bradley for doing all the footwork. I’ve read the Bible 6 or 7 times in my lifetime, but I’m way too lazy now to find all the specific Chapters and Verses in regard to these particular biblical rules of marriage.)
Let’s start with these awesome facts from the Bible and go from there! Remember, this is how the Bible defines it, not me. And remember, that the Bible is an infallible word of the Evangelical Christian God.
- Marriage consists of one man and one or more than one woman (Gen 4:19, 4:23, 26:34, 28:9, 29:26-30, 30:26, 31:17, 32:22, 36:2, 36:10, 37:2, Ex. 21:10, Judges 8:30, 1 Sam 1:2, 25:43, 27:3, 30:5, 30:18, 2 Sam 2:2, 3:2-5, 1 Chron 3:1-3, 4:5, 8:8, 14:3, 2 Chron 11:21, 13:21, 24:3).
Wait?! I can have more than one bitch up in this mug?! Damn straight!
- Nothing prevents a man from taking on concubines or sexual slaves in addition to the wife or wives he may already have (Gen 25:6, Judges 8:31, 2 Sam 5:13, 1 Kings 11:3, 1 Chron 3:9, 2 Chron 11:21, Dan 5:2-3).
Whoa! So I can have more than one wife for the housework, AND more concubines and sexual slaves to take care of bidzness?! Hells to the yeah!
- A man might choose any woman he wants for his wife (Gen 6:2, Deut 21:11), provided only that she is not already another man’s wife (Lev 18:14-16, Deut. 22:30) or a relative (Lev 18:11, 20:17, Lev 20:14, Lev 18:18). The concept of a woman giving her consent to being married is not in the Bible.
Four words. Dibs on Emma Stone.
- If a woman cannot be proven to be a virgin at the time of marriage, she shall be stoned to death (Deut 22:13-21).
Okay, Emma, just for the convenience of everyone involved at this point, you’re a virgin.
- A rapist must marry his victim (Ex. 22:16, Deut. 22:28-29), unless she was already a fiancé, in which case he should be put to death if he raped her in the country, but both of them killed if he raped her in town (Deut. 22:23-27).
Well, rape’s obviously not cool. In fact, this seems kind of like a punishment all around. Hmmm, maybe we won’t follow this one. That’s cool if we don’t follow this one, right? I think God would be cool with that.
- If a man dies childless, his brother must marry the widow (Gen 38:6-10, Deut 25:5-10, Mark 12:19, Luke 20:28).
How attractive is his widow? Wait, I don’t even have any brothers. What am I worried about? You know what, yeah, why not on this one.
- Women must marry the man of their father’s choosing (Gen. 24:4, Josh.15:16-17, Judges 1:12-13, 12:9, 21:1, 1 Sam 17:25, 18:19, 1 Kings 2:21, 1 Chron 2:35, Jer 29:6, Dan 11:17).
Oh, please pick a winner for me, Dad. And if you’re taking suggestions, Emma Stone. Or Amanda Bynes. Elizabeth Banks, if you get divorced, you’re in. Just sayin’.
- Women are the property of their fathers until married and the property of their husbands thereafter (Ex. 20:17, 22:17, Deut. 22:24, Mat 22:25).
Cool beans. Do I have to pay taxes on all these women? Because that could get expensive.
- The value of a woman might be approximately seven years’ work (Gen 29:14-30).
Hmmm..seven years worth of whose work? I’m making a solid 4 figure income a year. I cleared 36 hundred last year. So that’s well within my price range. Or are we talking Bill Gates’ seven years. Because in that case, these women would be a great investment opportunity!
- Inter-faith marriages are prohibited (Gen 24:3, 28:1, 28:6, Num 25:1-9, Ezra 9:12, Neh 10:30, 2 Cor 6:14).
Emma, Amanda, and Elizabeth (when you get divorced), you’re all Evangelical Christians, just so you know.
- Divorce is forbidden (Deut 22:19, Matt 5:32, 19:9, Mark 10:9-12, Luke 16:18, Rom 7:2, 1 Cor 7:10-11, 7:39).
Hmmm…sorry Elizabeth Banks. Looks like you’re not going to make the ball team.
- It is better to not get married at all—although marriage is not a sin (Matt 19:10, I Cor 7:1, 7:27-28, 7:32-34, 7:38).
But with all these benefits to marriage, why wouldn’t you get married?! This seems pretty damn awesome. Except for that one week a month when every woman in your house is flipping out. That’s probably not the best week of your life, but otherwise, seems like a pretty solid deal.
But wait, there’s even more bonuses to being an Evangelical Christian!
Radio Host Dr. Laura Schlessinger told her audience that homosexuality is a complete abomination unto the Lord and cannot be tolerated, all as per Leviticus 18:22. That’s pretty legit. Says it in the Bible. Written by the same folks who though the Earth was flat, that the sun revolved around the Earth, and that sea monsters were real. How much more solid can you get?
Professor Emeritus James M. Kauffman, Ed.D., of the University of Virgina wrote Dr. Schlessinger a letter asking her to clear up some questions he had about some other parts of the book of Leviticus. (Again, thanks to Dr. Kauffman for doing the footwork and supporting my slothful…er, uh, I mean, efficient ways.)
Here are the questions Dr. Kauffman had for Dr. Schlessinger:
- 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
So we get slaves? That rocks pretty hard. Not that I’m for slavery. I’m just not for having to do housework and yard work and going to work. I’m excited. But, yeah, can’t we own Canadians? They’re so comical. I think Dr. Kauffman’s friend may be wrong on this one.
- 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
Emma and Amanda, we’re having some daughters to sell off. So get ready for that hot mess. Don’t worry, I’ll get us some slaves to take care of the babies so you won’t have to.
- 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Boy do women ever get pissed about that subject. Geez Louise!
- 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
This is awesome! First we get to burn something with fire! Then we may get to smite people too! This Leviticus dude rocked!
- 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
So we can’t work on Sundays. But non-Christians can right? And my slaves can too, right? I can’t lose a day of work! I’m a business man.
- 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
Oh, I really do like shellfish, so I sure hope there are some degrees of abomination. Like maybe misdemeanor abomination. I don’t eat shellfish a lot, but I do get a hankering to go to the fish restaurant every couple of months.
- 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
Hmmm…I wear contacts that correct my vision to 20/15. I’m sure corrective lenses are cool. If it’s good enough for the DMV, then it’s gotta be good enough for God.
- 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
Oh, I’m going to look so freaking awesome. I’m going to be all Wolverine and shit!
- 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
I don’t play football, so, yeah, why not. Gloves, no gloves, football, whatever.
- 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
So as long as I wear clothes that are all cotton or all polyester, I’m cool? Rock on.
Geez, I fuckin’ curse a lot. And goddamn it, I blaspheme sometimes too. We really have to let that one slide. I mean, seriously, if Dan Cathy is free to say what he wants about gay marriage, then I should be free to curse and blaspheme, right? That’s my First Amendment rights here in ‘MURICA! Yeah, that’s fair. I’m sure God and Jesus would agree with me on that one. I mean, God and Jesus are ‘Muricans too!
So there you have it! I can’t believe I’ve been a heathen for all these years and have been missing out on all these awesome fringe benefits of being an Evangelical Christian. And the best part is I can eat Chicken Minis again! Seriously, if an 8-ball of cocaine was a food, it would be a Chicken Mini! Oh, yeah, and, uh y’all are goin’ to hell for whatever crap you did and being gay and junk, and hooray God!
P.S. – A NOTE TO EMMA STONE AND AMANDA BYNES: Whoever has the nicest house (I’m going to guess it’s Emma, but, Amanda, I’m totally open to seeing your place if you disagree), that will be our summer home. Our winter home will be my house. Both of you will need to bring a bring a sleeping bag as I don’t think we will all fit in my full size bed and be comfortable. You will rotate nights in the bed of course. I want to be as fair as possible here. Also, if one of you could bring some microwave popcorn as I ran out of it last night.
Posted on August 1, 2012, in A BatDoc Original, Flash Traffic Priority Transmission and tagged 'murica, 1st, 8, a, abomination, altar, amanda, amendment, america, and, aren't, audience, bag, ball, banks, batdoc, beans, bed, benefits, between, bible, big, bill, bitch, blaspheme, blog, bonus, boycott, Bradley, bring, brother, bull, burn, bynes, canadians, cathy, ceo, chick, chick-fil-a, chicken, choose, choosing, christian, chronicles, clothes, cocaine, comebacks, comedy, comfortably, comical, complete, concubine, cool, corinthians, correct, cotton, curse, cut, dad, dan, daniel, daughter, david, dead, death, deuteronomy, divorce, dmv, doc, doctor, dr., eating, efficient, eight, elizabeth, emeritus, emma, evangelical, exodus, ezra, fair, farm, father, female, fil, fire, first, fish, fit, flash, football, forbidden, fringe, full, funny, gates, gay, genesis, george, gloves, god, gods, hair, hartman, heathen, home, homosexual, homosexuality, hooray, host, hot, house, humor, ironic, irony, jackson, james, jerimiah, jew, jewish, joshua, judges, kauffman, kings, laugh, laura, letter, leviticus, lifestyle, lord, luke, male, man, marriage, marry, Matt, matthew, mess, mexicans, microwave, mini, minis, missing, more, nicest, numbers, one, open, out, p.s., pearce, people, pig, pimpin, polyester, popcorn, possess, possible, priority, professor, radio, rape, rapist, restaurant, rights, romans, sabbath, samual, satire, satirical, schlessinger, sedaris, sell, seven, sexual, shellfish, size, slave, slaves, sleeping, slothful, smite, stone, stoned, summer, sundays, takei, taxes, than, the, to, told, traffic, transmission, trimmed, uncle, university, uv, victim, virgin, virgina, vision, ways, widow, wife, winter, wives, Wolverine, woman, work, years. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.