So my blood pressure is just fine but my cholesterol is a little high? Don’t those balance each other out? Oh, they don’t? Look, I’m not a doctor like you. I don’t know these things. Is this something I should be worried about? No? Then why are you even telling me? Just so I’ll know. Gotcha. Well, thank you for letting me know about it. What? One more question. Sure. Ask away, doc. Oh, where did I get all my scars? That’s a great question. I’m glad you asked. And, yeah, I suppose they are all pretty obvious when I’m sitting here naked. Speaking of which, can I tell you about them while I’m getting dressed? Don’t get me wrong, I like a good meat freezer, but you guys are overdoing it a little here. Seriously, your air-conditioning bill must be stupid expensive. But then again, I guess you probably never turn on the heat in the winter so it all balances out. Oh, right, my scars. Sure. Well, let’s see.
I guess let’s start with the most obviously ones on my forehead. The one on the left side of my forehead was when I stopped myself with the edge of a street sign while riding my bike down a steep grade. I know it sounds terrible, but you should’ve seen the street sign. That thing was bent all to hell. And bloody! Man, was it bloody. Your forehead bleeds A LOT! What am I saying, you’re a doctor. You probably already knew that. Bet they taught you that at John Hopscotch University or wherever you went to doctor school. It’s John what? Whatever.
Anyway, this other forehead scar I got from headbutting a Stormtrooper. Yeah, a Stormtrooper. Have you ever seen Star Wars? Yeah, you know those white guys? No, the guys with the laser swords are the Jedi. And they’re called lightsabers. Yeah, they do look like they’re dressed in bath robes. But the guys in the white armor, you remember them? Yeah, those guys are Stormtroopers. How did I meet them? No, I didn’t work on the movie. I was at this comic book convention and there were a bunch of people dressed up as Stormtroopers. Yeah, it’s apparently a big thing. They have this whole 700 Club they are in. So I said to one of them, “Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?” which is a line from the movie. Well, she didn’t think it was funny. Yeah, she. Yeah, girls dress up as guys all the time at comic book conventions. I don’t judge. Anyway, she sucker punched me in the side and I headbutted her as a natural reaction. Those plastic helmet crack pretty easily from a solid headbutt, but, interestingly enough, cracked plastic is apparently really sharp. And again, foreheads bleed a lot. Yeah, the helmet protected her pretty well, but I got this forehead scar and broke my nose. Broken noses bleed a lot too. But again, you’re a doctor, so you probably already knew that. No, she didn’t get in trouble. I got kicked out of the comic book convention for causing a ruckus. She felt bad about it. We ended up dating for a while until she got into Attack on Titan cosplay and posting on Reddit. Some people are into that kind of thing, but it was just too weird for me.
This scar on my elbow is probably my favorite. I was visiting New York City and I was riding the subway. I know, you have to ride the subway if you visit New York City. Anyway, as I was getting off the subway I got pushed down by Kevin Meaney. I landed on my elbow and broke it and ended up getting a compound fracture. The bone popped right out of my arm. It was totally gross. And Kevin kept right on going. Who’s Kevin Meaney? The guy who would always say “That’s not right!” Yeah, that guy! Oh, I don’t know what he’s doing now, but a few years ago he was pushing people around the subways near Tribeca.
This scar on my index finger is from when I dropped my lucky marble down the garbage disposal. This scar near my ankle is from a deer attack. The one across my lower back is from a dessert bar fight. This one on my left side is where I got shot with an arrow at Ren Faire. The one on the back of my left knee is from a patio furniture fire. The one on my chest is from a board game night accident. I’ve got one on the top of my head where I got hit with an inflatable raft. And the one on the side of my neck is from when I got my head stuck in a hay baler.
This scar here on my upper thigh is from one of my ex-wives. The scar just above my shoulder blade is from the same ex-wife. And so is this one on my left forearm. She was clearly a stabber. I eventually had to get a gun safe for all the knives in the house. And these three small scars near my shoulder, that’s where she stabbed me with a salad fork at The Cheesecake Factory. What? Oh, yeah, it didn’t work out. We got divorced. She’s actually went to prison for lunging at the judge and stabbing a deputy with a Bic Clic Stic pen during our divorce hearing. I think she got five years. But I got a letter from the court that she’s out on good behavior, which I seriously doubt. She probably slept her way out of prison. I don’t know. I guess it’s a thing. You can sleep your way up the corporate ladder, makes sense you could sleep your way out of prison too.
You’re right, doc, I probably am lucky to be alive. Makes that high cholesterol not seem so bad. What? Oh, yeah, my pinky toe. I lost that in a snow shoveling competition.
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Mill at Bathurst Manor. The Eggs start with a How was Dragon*Con review. Then they discuss the i-Cloud leak. Chuck has some Batman vs. Superman and DC movie rumors and updates. The Eggs bring you an interview with Playboy Playmate Cassandra Lynn. And there are now 10 finalist in a contest to develop a working real-life tricorder!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 71, Segment 1
How was Dragon*Con?
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 71, Segment 2
The i-Cloud Leak
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 71, Segment 3
Batman vs. Superman and DC Rumors and Updates
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 71, Segment 4
Cassandra Lynn Interview
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 71, Segment 5
Creating a Real Life Tricorder
This debate has gone on long enough. Which is better? Who would win if they got into a fight? Star Trek or Star Wars? Well, like the great cases of Brown v. The Board of Education, Roe v. Wade, and Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, I’m going to follow in the footsteps of my hero William Rehnquist and give a fair and balanced look to end the debate once and for all of which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars.
In order to properly evaluate this, I’m breaking this down into several categories. Whoever wins the category will get a point and whoever has the most points at the end wins. So I guess this actually kind of follows in the footsteps of one of my other heroes, Peter Sagal, which makes this even more awesome.
Let’s start with manpower. And let’s look at who the big players are in the manpower area. In the Star Trek world, there’s the Klingons, the Romulans, the Cardassians, the Dominion, even the Maquis. Basically a lot of warrior races. In Star Wars, the biggest kid on the block is the Empire. Everyone else in the Star Wars universe is small potatoes. “But Doc, what about the Rebels?” What about the Rebels? Let’s be honest, the Rebels were more lucky than they were good at their job. And Star Trek folks, don’t even mention the Federation. They shouldn’t even bother showing up to this fight. They can sit bench with the Rebels unless we need someone to hit a two-meter target or go back in time, grab a pair of humpback whales, bring them forward in time and hope the hell they tell a probe what to go do with itself.
So if we take this in the direction of an every-race-for-themselves open space battle, then I’m pretty sure the Borg win this one hands down. They assimilate. That’s it. And they add technological and cultural distinctiveness to their own. So if they assimilate clones, yeah, it’s not looking too good. Or even worse, if they assimilated a Jedi or a Sith Lord! Can you imagine that?! Sure, I know what Star Wars fans are saying, “But, Doc, the Jedi and Sith derive their powers from a rooted belief system, not from technology or cultural cues.” That’s great, but when we are talking about assimilating technology, they only have to assimilate one Jedi or Sith and now you’ve got a bunch of Borg drones wandering around with lightsabers. If that doesn’t scare the ever-living crap out of you then you didn’t fully understood that last statement.
So while the Federation and the Rebels are warming the bench, let’s address the cute and fuzzy races as well. Tribbles or Ewoks? Sure the Ewoks have rudimentary weapons that can take down mildly-armored tanks on chicken legs.
Okay, hold on, I have to vent on something real quick. Seriously, did no one in the Empire learn anything from the battle on Hoth? Armored things precariously balanced on wobbly metal legs can clearly be easily tripped up. Anyone who’s seen Robocop defeat ED-209 knows that. If putting tanks on metal legs was a good idea, don’t you think some army in history would have done it by now? I mean, the Nazis built all kinds of ill-manner of super weapons and no one was crazy enough to even put a tank on legs into production. Seriously, Empire, take some notes from the Jawas and put all that armored assault technology on some tank tracks already!
Okay, venting over. Thanks. I needed that. Now where was I? Oh, yes, that’s right, Tribbles or Ewoks. Let’s break this down. The Ewoks live on Endor, a forest moon. From what we learn in Original Star Trek Episode #44: The Trouble with Tribbles, Dr. McCoy explains how the Tribbles eat too much and reproduce way too fast. They are “basically born pregnant” as Dr. McCoy describes it. We also learned from Mr. Scott in the episode that the Tribbles worked their way into closed compartments and started eating parts of the ships systems. That means dropping just one Tribble onto a forest moon would be like dropping a match into a barrel of gasoline-soaked dynamite. Also according to the episode, Spock points out that Tribbles produce a new generation every 12 hours. That means in just 3 days there would be a over 1.7 million Tribbles running around. Now you’ve got the Ewoks that survive off of the forest, right? That means these hungry Tribbles would eat them out of house and home in no time. The Ewoks would literally starve to death or just be buried in Tribbles. Sure, 1.7 million Tribbles on one planet doesn’t seem like a lot. But imagine this, in just 6 days, there would be over 34.5 trillion (yes, trillion with a T) Tribbles on Endor. To give you an idea of how many that is, New York City has about 8.5 million people in the Five Boroughs. That means that every single person in New York City would get over 4 million 58 thousand Tribbles. Shanghi, China, which is the most populated city on Earth with just over 24 million people, each person would get over 1.4 million Tribbles. The popular of the planet Earth is just over 7 billion, so that means everyone on Earth would get almost 5 thousand Tribbles each after just 6 days. So yeah, good freakin’ luck, Ewoks.
Manpower: Star Trek – 1, Star Wars – 0
Now a military power is only as strong as the fleet they command. And before we go any further, the difference between phaser and lasers and photon and proton torpedoes is nothing (Well, a little thing called worry-over-copyright-infringement if you want to get technical). So when it comes down to weapons and defenses, all the big players who are in the starting line-up are on a pretty level playing field. That means when we talk about fleets and military combat, the real discussion comes down to mobilization of forces.
The Empire wins this one hands down against anyone except the Borg (which we’ll get to in a minute). The Empire is comparable to the American and Japanese Fleets in the Pacific Theater during World War II. Nothing in the Star Trek universe even remotely resembles an aircraft carrier. Star Destroyers are exactly that. They are big space aircraft carriers with tons of TIE Fighters and Bombers and Interceptors and whatever other TIE things they have. Federation, Romulan, Klingon, Ferengi, Andorian, Tholian, Cardassian, even the Dominion, none of them have anything close to being able to compete with that kind of firepower and maneuverability. Even the Federation’s run-n-gun ship, the Defiant, couldn’t deal with so many targets at once. And no one has any kind of massive fleet to deal with that kind of Imperial onslaught. Any Star Trek fleet that would show up would get carved up by the death of a thousand TIE fighter lasers.
I know what you’re saying Star Trek folks, and I hear you loud and clear. And you are right, the Rebels did pull a Billy Mitchell (if you don’t know who he is, look it up). The Defiant might get lucky, but that’s about it. And there’s still a lot of targets to deal with on a Star Destroyer with a full compliment of TIE whatevers.
Really the only race in Star Trek that can compete ship-to-ship is the Borg. The Borg cubes at Wolf 359 were reported to measure about 3 kilometers across. Star Destroyers measure 1600 meters, or right at a mile. So one Borg cube is over twice as long as a single Star Destroyer. In the Battle of Wolf 359, a single Borg cube destroyed 39 of the 40 Federation ships at the battle. In the Star Trek: Voyager Episode Endgame, Seven of Nine tells Janeway that the transwarp hub nebula contained 47 Borg vessels. And in the Star Trek: Voyager Episode Hope and Fear, the dude from Species 116 talks about hundreds of Borg cubes surrounding his homeworld before its destruction. Not to mention the fact that Commander Shelby pointed out that a Borg cube could remain operative even if 78% of the cube was inoperable. Then there are transporters, so not only would the Empire be trying to attack this Cube while they are getting carved up, but there are Borg beaming onto the ship and assimilating people too! Actually, a Borg Cube going up against a couple of Star Destroyers would be a battle I’d love to see.
“But, Doc, what about the Death Star?” Oh, you mean that big planet-sized space station that literally moves at the speed of a planet. Borg got warp and transwarp. The Death Star is boned. All summed up, the Empire has the advantage over anyone except the Borg. The Borg are here to party. So since the Empire is the winner except with the Borg, I’m going to give both sides a point.
Strength of Fleet: Star Trek – 1, Star Wars – 1
Leadership is important in any space campaign. And there are lots of great leaders on both sides. But what makes a leader really great is not how nice or fair that leader is, but it’s about achieving results. The Emperor, Darth Vader, Grand Moff Tarkin…Star Wars is full of people who get things done. Sure they choke kill a lot of people along the way, but you gotta break some necks to make an omelet. That makes the Empires efficiency rating just as high as its on-the-job fatality rating. And then there are good leaders on the Rebel side as well. And then you’ve got the Jedi as leaders too. Star Wars has a pretty fair lineup in the leadership department.
Star Trek does pretty good as well, without as much ruthlessness. Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, Archer…they all get things done by following the rules when they need to and forgetting the rules when necessary. And it says a lot more about your leadership style if you are efficient and well-liked.
So I think leadership is a draw. We could get into the particulars of each leader, but really each individual style has its good and bad qualities, so everyone gets a point here.
Leadership: Star Trek – 1, Star Wars – 1
Any science fiction series is only as good as the hot babes it has in it. And I know Princess Leia in that metal bikini that they stole from Valerian and Laureline (don’t believe me, just type “Valerian and Laureline Metal Bikini” into Google images and let the George Lucas thievery begin) was the mainstay for a lot of young boys in their formative years of puberty. But aside from Princess Leia, Padme Amidala, and Jabba’s three dancers (looking at you, fiery redhead), then you’ve got to go to the cartoons and extended universe to find other women. Sure there is Ahsoka Tano (if you’re into jailbait), Mara Jade (if you’re into middle-aged girls), Aurra Sing (if you’re into criminals), Shaak Ti (if you’re into weird hair), and Asajj Ventress (if you’re into Sinead O’Conner). But that’s not a lot of options.
Star Trek on the other hand is ripe with beautiful women who are ready to get down and party. There’s Seven of Nine, Jadzia Dax (and Ezri too), Tonia Barrows, Robin Lefler, Tasha Yar (and her sister Ishara), Dr. Helen Noel, Marta, Droxine, Kelinda, Kara, Ro Laren, B’elanna Torres, Kes, Beverly Crusher, Deanna Troi, Lt. Saavik, Android Andrea, Edith Keeler, Kamala, Lt. Valeris, Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, Leeta, Vash, Dr. Carol Marcus, Gannett Brooks, Bronwyn Gail Robinson, Amanda Cole, Martha Landon, Teresa Ross, Dr. Leah Brahms, Neras, Drusilla, Brenna Odell, Nona, Maras, Dr. Selar (Suzie Plakson), Tarah (also Suzie Plakson), K’Ehleyr (Suzie Plakson again), The Female Q (just any character of Suzie Plakson’s), Janice Rand, Shahna, Tora Ziyal, Eris, D’Nesh, Seska, Sela, Vina, Gilora Rejal, Deirdre Watley, Natima Lang, Grilka, Gul Ocett, Kilana, Uhura’s Orion Starfleet Academy roommate Gaila, and that three-boobed cat woman from Star Trek V. And that’s just to name a few off the top of my head. There’s tons more. Literally every episode has a hot babe in it somewhere. Star Trek seriously mops the floor with Star Wars in the female category.
Female to Male Ratio: Star Trek – 57+, Star Wars – 8.
Well, that puts Star Trek at 60+ and Star Wars at 10. Looks like we’re pretty much done here. I think William Rehnquist and Peter Sagal would be proud.
People love attention. And people love being the center of attention. I know first hand. I used to have a slightly better than moderately rated overnight radio show. And being the center of attention can be a wonderful thing. That’s why shows like American Idol and America’s Got Talent and America’s Funniest Videos do so well. It’s literally the reason Tom Bergeron still has a job. But for all you attention hogs out there (you know who you are), there are times when being the center of attention is not the thing you want at all. In fact, it is those times that being the center of attention is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you. Let me give you some examples.
• Court – That’s right. Unless you are getting paid to be there, court is not a place where you want to be the center of attention. The judge, the bailiff, the prosecuting attorney, the defense attorney, members of the jury, head juror, courtroom artist, stenographer, even the person who wins the case, you know what all those people have in common? That’s right! They’re all getting paid to be there. And if you’re the center of attention in a courtroom and you’re not drawing some kind of paycheck, then I can guarantee that’s bad news for you.
• Anything involving the cops – Let’s say you’re selling “merchandise” out of the back of your van in a “shady” neighborhood. And let’s say you’re “meeting your sales goals for the month.” You’re the center of attention with your particular brand of “clientele.” And you’re stackin’ smackers like a brick layer, so that’s the right kind of attention. But then the Five-0 rolls up on you and “da man” gets all up in your grill and starts damaging your cool. Your “clientele” all “run away like they done stole somethin’,” so you’re not making any money anymore. So now the “law-enforcement authorities” are on the scene and you’re the center of attention because of some misunderstanding about “fencing” goods. So this quickly turns into another situation where if you’re not on the clock, then you do not want to be the center of attention.
• Explosions – There’s no questions about it, explosions are awesome. Michael Bay and any eight-year-old kid can tell you that. Whether you are blowing up Barbie dolls or G.I. Joes (if you’re an eight-year-old kid) or cars, trucks, trains, ships, buildings, aliens, robots, alien robots, pyramids, tanks, battleships, small villages, large cities, space stations, and everything else that will and won’t blow up (if you’re Michael Bay), the point here is when that fiery concussion wave of rich, black smoke and smoldering debris erupts in that split-second of destructive heavenly bliss, if you’re not getting paid to make that explosion happen, you do not want to be the center of attention. So aside from building demolition crews, fireworks display coordinators, pyrotechnicians, military bombardiers, and certain chemists, being the center of attention after any kind of explosion is not going to fair well in your favor.
• Weddings – Unless you’re the bride, being the center of attention at a wedding is going to end up as a fist fight in a church parking lot or getting shived by the bride in a crowded reception hall. Trust me, I know about both of these. So unless you are getting paid to be at that wedding, say as the minister or the DJ, or the bride (let’s face it, having someone pay for your ridiculously expensive wedding is just like printing money), then you do not want to be the center of attention. And often, the bride shiving you is only the tip of that iceberg of trouble. Wait until her brother who was in the Marines finds out and demonstrates how he can break your car windshield with his bare fist and proves he can shove you into a trash can. And then her father who is an active member of the NRA shows you his impressive bullet collection by displaying them in the side of your powder blue Kia Sorento with the already busted windshield. When they say a wedding is a bride’s day, let her have that day and, for your own well being (and the well-being of your powder blue Kia Sorento), let her be the center of attention.
I could really go on and on with scenarios, instances, and times where you don’t want to be the center of attention, but what this really boils down to is, unless you are getting paid or compensated in some way, being the center of attention is bad news. So when you find yourself in a situation where you want to be the center of attention, just ask what you are getting out of it first, and if that answer is fame or fortune (or at the very least hourly minimum wage), then, by all means, be the center of attention like a boss.
♠ The title for this essay is courtesy of Brandon Echols. If you have an essay title you’d like to suggest, email it to BatDocBlog@gmail.com. You might see your essay title in one of my books, and I’ll be sure to thank you in the book for it!
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Sports Complex at Bathurst Manor. Chuck and Cher start with a review of the Series 8 premiere of Doctor Who. Then the Eggs discuss rumors surrounding the Spider-Man franchise. Cher has another of her World of Weirdness. There are small robots that can form shapes and Doc is concerned about their impending takeover. And the Eggs bring you a list of the geekiest sports!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 70, Segment 1
Doctor Who Series 8 Premiere Review
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 70, Segment 2
Spider-Man Franchise Rumors
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 70, Segment 3
Cher’s World of Weirdness #6
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 70, Segment 4
Small Hive-Mind Robots Can Form Shapes
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 70, Segment 5
The Geekiest Sports
Now I’m going to assume you are familiar with Star Wars. If you’re not, go watch Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back. I include Empire Strikes Back because it’s a really good movie. Watching the rest of the Star Wars films is up to you. I’ll wait.
Okay, so now that everyone has seen Star Wars, you have a general understanding about the light side and the dark side of the Force. I often think about how cool it would be to be able to use the Force. I think about it almost as much as I think about how cool it would be to be part of the Q Continuum on Star Trek (you can watch Star Trek: The Next Generation on your own time. It’s not required reading for this essay). Anyway, back to the Force. There’s a lot you can do with the Force. You can lift rocks and boxes and spaceships. You can influence the weak-minded (which pretty much means everyone except giant worm-like mob bosses and really shady junk yard owners). And all that’s cool. But I think there are far more useful things to use the Force for.
I think I would fall in the grey spectrum of Force users. I wouldn’t be actively evil, like choking people from across the room or shooting people with lightning until they change the TV channel back to Storage Wars. No, I wouldn’t be mean like that at all. I wouldn’t do things to hurt people. But I would seriously make some people’s lives inconvenient when necessary. You know, just to keep them in check. Sort of a Karma thing. That’s cool, right?
Then there are the mischievous things I would do. You know, the ol’ college prank basics. Unsnapping bra straps from across the quad. Penny locking doors from across the hall. Relieving vending machines of their delicious riches without having to shake them violently. I’d get a kick out of moving things around in locked or secured areas, just to make security people wonder and be a little more alert on their next round. If you think your cat is confused by laser pointers, wait until I get into a room with your cat and launch my Force powers arsenal. I might actually charge people for this particular cat “training” service. I know there are a lot of my guy friends who would part with big bucks (or several cases of beer) to teach their girlfriend’s cat a lesson or two. Imagine Mr. Boots’s surprise when I say, “Come here” and he floats over to me. At the very least, it will let the cat know who is in charge from here on out.
Then there would be actions of convenience for me. Like for instance when I want to really want to tie one on on a Sunday and I can’t purchase beer until noon. What a buzzkill, am I right? Besides, you can’t drink all day unless you start right when you get up. Now imagine this scenario.
Clerk: Sorry, sir, you can’t purchase beer until noon on Sunday. It’s 8:30AM.
Me: *waves hand in front of clerk* I can buy this beer.
Clerk: You can buy this beer. *shakes head, confused at what was just said* Ummm, I’ll need to see your ID.
Me: You don’t need to see my identification.
Clerk: I don’t need to see your identification.
Me: If fact, I don’t owe you anything for it.
Clerk: You don’t owe me anything for it.
Me: Have a nice day, sir.
Clerk: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: Move along.
Clerk: Move along. Move along.
I can imagine this Force mind control would be a really handy thing to have in a lot of scenarios. It does mean I’d have to go to “pay” all my bills in person, but that is a mild inconvenience for all the money I’d save in the long run.
The possibilities here are really endless for me. Red lights when driving would be a thing of the past. I’d make sure every light was green when I drove around. I’d never have to wait at the doctor’s office or pay a co-pay. My kite would never get stuck in a tree again. I could finally get those marbles that rattle around in my ventilation system. I could unclog my kitchen sink without harsh chemicals. I would never
get in trouble for moving a ladder that is “clearly marked” for employees only have to ask for assistance for things on top shelves at stores. And I’d breeze through the DMV, not that I would need an ID much anymore, unless I ran into a giant worm-like mob boss or a really shady junk yard owner, which happens a lot more to me than most people realize.
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the newly completed Stunt Compound at Bathurst Manor. Chuck and Cher start by sharing their ALS Ice Bucket Challenge stories. Then Doc and Cher review the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Chuck tells us about his Loot Crates. Then Chuck brings us another edition of Crap Chuck Found on the Internet. And then Doc and the Bathurst Manor staff has set up some charity stunt challenges for Cher and Chuck!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 69, Segment 1
ALS Ice Bucket Challenge
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 69, Segment 2
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie Review
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 69, Segment 3
Loot Crate Review
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 69, Segment 4
Crap Chuck Found on the Internet #5
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 69, Segment 5
Bathurst Manor Stunt Challenge
I’m running for President of the United States. That’s right! I’ve joked about it for long enough. I’m finally putting my money where my mouth is (not to mention I’m finally old enough) and I’m running (well, more like briskly walking) for President. Now I’m sure all of you are wondering why I would make a great President. Well, I’m glad you asked!
Let’s face it, I’m totally cut out for politics. I’m interesting. I don’t care what people think about me or my policies. I have amazing hair. I look dashing in a suit. I have just enough skeletons in my closet to be a field day for the media. But those are just some of the obvious reasons you should vote for me for President. If you’re not already convinced, allow me to really sell you on why you want me as the leader of the 4th geographically largest country in the world.
I’ve been working on a sweet platform that will make the Presidential election a slam dunk for me. The first plank of my platform is daily nap time! That’s right, everyone gets an hour nap every day! I know, that’s badass, right? And if you’re at a job, it will be a paid nap time! Yup, everyone is going to be much more productive because they’re going to be well-rested! Then there’s also an hour lunch. That’s right, jobs have to give you a paid hour lunch! Now I know what some of you are asking, “Doc, can I just nap for two hours and not take lunch?” And I say that this is America and you’re free to spend your lunch hour and nap hour however you like! You can even work for those two hours if you really want to, but you won’t be punished if you don’t. I’ll make sure of that.
Now that’s just the beginning. Check this out! I’m going to get this country back on track with taxes! I know what some of you are saying, “But Doc, I already pay a lot in taxes.” Well, that’s about to end for some of you because if you make less than 100,000 dollars a year, you don’t have to pay taxes! That’s right! I’m cutting out all the tax loopholes for the rich and big businesses and letting them pay the taxes for a while. And I know what you’re saying, “But Doc, those rich people won’t vote for you.” And I say, “Who cares!” There are way more people who make less than a hundred grand a year than people who make more than a hundred grand. That’s just simple numbers when it comes to voting. And I’m pretty sure with my new percentage tax plan, I can get this National Debt knocked out in no time.
Now I know this is already a sore spot with some people, but I’m going to fix this Healthcare system once and for all. The United States Healthcare System needs an efficiency overhaul. When it comes to how much bang for our buck Americans get for Healthcare costs, the United States does just slightly better than Serbia and Brazil. And is worse than China, Algeria, and Iran. The only country that spends more than the United States per person on healthcare costs is Switzerland. But Switzerland ranks as one of the top ten most efficient healthcare systems. That means the United States is spending a lot of money on healthcare and not getting a lot for it. Sort of like when you sign up for a magazine subscription but then you quit reading the magazine but they still keep sending it and you’re too lazy to cancel the subscription. Well, I’m not sure how we cancel our healthcare subscription and get a better one, but I’m going to figure that out. And just know that you’re not going to have to pay a butt load of money every time you go to the doctor.
At this point, I’ve probably got the election by a pretty solid landslide. But why stop there. If you’re going to
win a popularity contest, then you gotta make sure you’re the most popular create change and make a country better, then you shouldn’t just stop once you’ve won an election, right? That being said, it’s about time we had free internet for everyone. That’s right, we are going to free Wi-Fi the crap out of this country. No more having to guess your neighbor’s password or having to pay a daily charge at certain fancy hotels that shall remain nameless. We are going to take a lesson from Hooters and McDonald’s and other classy restaurants and offer free Wi-Fi across the entire country! This is America for goodness sakes! There is no reason every citizen shouldn’t have Internet access any time they want it.
Now I don’t know how this one’s going to go over, but I’m seriously thinking about bringing back smoking sections in restaurants. I’ve been watching a lot of Mad Men lately on Netflix and it seems like this country was a whole lot better when we had smoking sections in restaurants. Now, before a bunch of people get all up in arms about this one, it’s just a working theory. But if I can figure out the connection, you can bet your ass smoking sections are back.
That’s about all I’ve got. Oh, one more thing. I’m always going to dress in black suits. I’m going to be completely non-partisan. None of this blue tie/red tie crap. I’m the President of the United States of America. I’m not a Democrat or a Republican. I’m an American! And I’m doing what’s best for America! And if you’re not voting for an American like me then I guess you’re voting for the terrorist to win.
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Food Court at Bathurst Manor. The Eggs start by discussing the rise of boutique theaters. Then Chuck reviews two movies, Dragonball Z: Battle of Gods and Wish I Was Here. The Eggs talk about the Union Street Guest Hotel and their odd policy and Artist and Producer Michael Gross is leading a campaign to Flip Cancer. And then the Eggs give you some back to school geek tips.
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 1
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 2
Dragonball Z: Battle of Gods and Wish I Was Here Movie Reviews
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 3
The Union Street Guest Hotel Policy
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 4
Michael Gross and Flip Cancer
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 68, Segment 5
Back to School Geek Tips