This week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Restoration Room of the Site C Compound. Doc and Chuck give their picks for the Ghostbusters all female cast. Doc has another episode of Doc’s Documentary Corner and tackles Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide. The Eggs bring you a double shot Crystal Coast Con Warmup interview with Marina Sirtis. And the Eggs talk about physical media in a non-physical age!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 1
Ghostbusters 3 Female Casting
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 2
Doc’s Documentary Corner: Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 3
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 1
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 4
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 2
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 5
Physical Media in a Non-Physical Age
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs are on the road broadcasting from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck from Supah Pop in Columbia, SC! The Eggs start by talking about rumors of William Shatner in the next Star Trek movie. Then the Eggs talk about new fall television shows and the return of Lost. The Eggs salute the return of The Walking Dead and season 4 of the show on Netflix with an interview with Iron-E Singleton. Chuck has a special edition of Crap Chuck Found on the Internet. And finally, for the month of October, the Eggs talk about some of their favorite horror films!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 1
William Shatner in Star Trek 3
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 2
New Shows and Lost News
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 3
Walking Dead Rewind: Iron-E Singleton Interview
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 4
Crap Chuck Found on the Internet #6: Christmas Edition
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 5
Our Favorite Horror Movies
I had the best time Trick-or-Treating last night. Yeah, it was the best time ever! Seriously! Who did I go with? You’ll never believe it if I told you! Jesus Christ! No joke! I’m serious as a heart attack. That’s right, the Lord and Eternal Savior himself. He just showed up at my door around six o’clock last night and said, “Hey, wanna go Trick-or-Treating?” I told him I didn’t have a costume and he said, just throw on a bathrobe and you can be St. Peter. So that’s what I did. I don’t guess St. Peter ever wore a cool Thundercats bathrobe. Or who knows, maybe he did. I wasn’t around then and Jesus didn’t seem to care. He actually said I looked a lot like Peter from far away if you squinted your eyes real hard. But, hey, whatever, I got to hang out with Jesus.
What? Oh, I have no clue why he picked me. I know, right? I don’t even go to church. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been in a church since I was dating Becky Muldrew. Yeah, she was into the whole Christian thing pretty hard but I really wanted to get in her pants. Yeah, it ended up not working out. Why not? Well, Becky was in church almost as much as she got around. Yeah, Todd the A/V guy at the church told me all about it. Dodge a bullet there. Oh, I don’t know where she is now. That was like 3 years ago. Last I heard from Todd was she had like three babies with four different guys or something like that. Right, anyway, back to Jesus. No clue why he picked me. Probably because I really know how to party! Yeah, you’re right. I’m surprised I said that with a straight face too.
What did we do? Well, we started off by going to houses Trick-or-Treating. But instead of getting candy at the houses, we gave the houses candy. It was a little weird at first, sort of like a reverse Trick-or-Treating. But then after the first few houses, we really got our rhythm down. Then after we went through a couple neighborhoods, we went back and hit up just the rich houses where they were giving out free full size candy bars. So we ended up with a Snickers, a Crunch Bar, a Kit-Kat, a Zagnut, and a Mounds bar. I know right? Who gives away Mounds Bars?! Yeah, someone who drives a Prius and a diesel BMW, that’s who. Talk about conflicting interest. Anyway, we just threw the Mounds bar away. Then Jesus was like, “Hey, check this out!” He threw the candy bars into his Trick-or-Treat bag and shook it around and said abracadabra, which I don’t know what it means but I assume it’s Hebrew, and the bag was full of candy bars! And he did this like six more times! We stood in front of that house where those people were giving out Mounds bars and warned the other Trick-or-Treaters and he gave every one of them a full-size candy bar out of that bag. And he gave out candy bars to a ton of people! Yeah, we started with five candy bars and freakin’ gave away like five thousand. It was insane.
Then Jesus said we had to go swing by this girl’s house so he could holla at her. No, I don’t think they’re dating. Apparently he met her on OK Cupid, and they have been texting back and forth a lot in the last couple weeks. So we stopped by there and her parent said she was working at Big Lots until nine. So we cruised on over there and hung out for like 30 minutes until the manager told us we had to buy something and leave. So I bought me and Big J two big jugs of Hawaiian Punch, and we got the hell out of there. Yeah, she said something about meeting up with us later and bringing her friend and introducing me to her friend. But her parents called her and she had to come straight home. But it’s cool. We are all supposed to meet at Denny’s tomorrow night after she gets off work at seven.
And we finished off the evening by T-P-ing and egging Jacob Goldstein’s house. Apparently Jesus is still holding a pretty hard grudge toward the Jews on that whole crucifixion thing.
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs are on the road broadcasting from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck from HickoryCon II! Chuck is on special assignment, so Doc and Cher discuss Gotham and How to Get Away with Murder. Doc has some science anniversaries. Cher has another episode of Cher’s World of Weirdness. The Eggs ramble through the archives and bring you a previously un-aired interview with Cabin Fever actor William Jones. And Doc talks about some real fears of the impending zombie apocalypse.
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 1
Gotham and How to Get Away with Murder Reviews
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 2
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 3
Cher’s World of Weirdness #7
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 4
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 5
The Zombie Apocalypse is Real
I’m not going to tell you that being on the radio was all glitz and glamor. It wasn’t. There was a lot of bullshit that went along with the job. The stupid meetings to tell you what new stupid thing the radio station was trying to do to round up new listeners that month. And God help the on-air staff any time a ratings book came out. If we weren’t number one, it was the end of the world. This was the ’00s. Radio wasn’t king any more. To listen to the corporate higher-ups, radio was scraping by. Of course, looking at the stockholder numbers, radio was raking in the cash like it was printing its own money.
And dealing with the man is never fun in any job. But the high…the high of cracking open the mic and broadcasting to thousands…millions of people…that’s what being on the radio was all about. That was the drug. That was what kept us coming back for more. Not to mention all the fringe benefits: comped meals, free drinks, t-shirts and other station swag. And the ladies. They were all over the place. There’s something about being on the radio that women love. I guess it’s the fame and power that goes along with it. Or, honestly, it’s probably the fact that all those women think you make a lot of money. And some weeks at the radio station, they were right.
“I’m Viva Doc Vegas, and until tomorrow night at midnight, the show’s over!” The words no sooner left my lips than the show close started to play. The off button for the mic lit up a bright yellow as I pressed it, replacing the bright red glow of the on button. I reached up and slowly took my headphones off and put them on the counter beside me. The room was buzzing with people, producers, interns, some strippers we had picked up earlier. I tried to focus, but it all seemed like a buzzing sound to me. My producer, Billy Trumen, was scurrying around picking up papers and beer cans, cleaning up the studio for the morning show. The poor morning show, they were lightweights, Bible-salesmen compared to the depraved things we did during the overnights.
We were all exhausted. One of the interns called a cab and showed the strippers out the door and on their way. Brittany Bee, co-host and web mistress, had her head down on the table, drifting off to sleep. Billy slowly kept cleaning the studio. I shook my head and looked at the computer screen, trying to get my eyes to focus. I got the next few things set up so things would run smoothly into the beginning of the morning show. I scooped up my headphones and notes and gently patted Brittany on the shoulders as I passed by. She jerked back into consciousness and got up out of her chair and followed me and Billy out of the radio studio. We headed out into the dark, cool summer morning. The sun wouldn’t come up for another 45 minutes to an hour. We all said our goodbyes as we headed toward our cars. I walked over and opened the back door of the limo and crawled in. Dionjilo was sleeping in the front seat. As I stumbled through the car to wake Dionjilo, I tripped over another stripper who was asleep across the limo’s rear-facing seats. She was a cute little blonde. She jostled a little bit, turned over and went right back to sleep. I shook Dionjilo’s shoulder and he opened his eyes and looked at me in the rear-view mirror.
“Where to, boss?”
“Let’s head on home, D. I’m beat.”
He looked over the back seat and saw the girl fast asleep. “What about the girl, boss?”
“We’ll deal with her when she wakes up. The cab’s already gone with the other two.”
Dionjilo turned the key and the old Buick roared to life. As he dropped the car down into drive, the car lurched forward, the inertia gently pressing me into the midnight blue plush back seat. I leaned my head against the side of the car and looked over at the softly slumbering stripper in the other seat. I closed my eyes and dozed off as the car turned out onto the highway and headed home.
I awoke as the limo turned into the driveway. The nap was refreshing but not nearly enough sleep. Dionjilo pulled the limo up to the front stoop. As I opened the car door to get out, Dionjilo looked back at me, “What about the skirt?”
I looked down at the stripper still asleep in the back of the car and then back to Dionjilo, “Right, the skirt. I’ll take her.” I scooped her up like a rag doll and exited the vehicle. I threw her over my shoulder and walked up to the passenger side window of the limo as Dionjilo rolled it down. “See you at seven, D.”
“Sure thing, boss.” Dionjilo rolled up the window as the limo crept around the driveway and off into the distance. I turned and headed up the steps toward the front door and fumbled with the keys to open it. It was far more difficult than normal to unlock a door with a girl tossed over your shoulder. I opened the door and as I walked through it, the young girl’s shirt caught on the door. The shirt pulled against her and the door as I struggled to keep my balance and not drop her. By the time I got things sorted out, the door had her shirt and I had a topless stripper over my shoulder.
Now a topless stripper over your shoulder is typically thought of as a good thing. But I was about to find out in this particular case that it was not. I dislodged the shirt from the door and turned back around. I had lost track of my surroundings in the tug-o-war and as I turned back around, the girl’s head connected with the inside of the door frame with a thud. It sounded much worse than it actually was. It was, however, enough of a jolt to bring the young girl out of her deep sleep and back to full and immediate consciousness.
I can only imagine how disconcerting it must have been, thrown over some stranger’s shoulder, topless, being taken into some unknown house and unaware of how you got into such a situation. That would be disconcerting for anybody. And her over the top response was mostly expected. I would rather have had her woken up on the couch on her own, but that wasn’t going to happen now. She started flailing around, one of her arms beating against my head relentlessly while the other arm grabbed for any item within reach. She knocked over lamps and pictures and all manner of things. She continued bludgeoning my head with her elbow and other arm until I finally threw her clear of me. She landed on a plush arm chair and her and the chair toppled over backwards. I saw her scurry topless into the kitchen.
I shook my head and looked around to assess the damage caused. I still had her bright, neon blue, spaghetti strap top in my hand. As I turned to head toward the kitchen, I ducked hard to my left as something whizzed by my head. I heard a sharp thud and turned to see a kitchen knife firmly planted in the sheet rock wall. The next knife from the kitchen wasn’t anywhere close to hitting me but rather shattered the glass and lodged itself in my autographed Fleetwood Mac Tango in the Night album poster.
“Hey!” I yelled, “That was autographed!”
I heard a squeaky voice yell back from the kitchen, “I don’t giva shit! I’m not gonna be kilt and raped in your dungeons! I seen Silence of the Lambs!”
The twang in her voice wasn’t surprising from strip club fair in the south, but she had seen Silence of the Lambs, so that was at least some semblance of class.
“I’m not a murderer. I’m a DJ!”
“Bull crap you are! No strip club DJ lives in a house this nice!”
I’m not sure if she had a valid point or not and hearing glass starting to break in the kitchen I didn’t have time to ponder it further. As I walked cautiously toward the kitchen, I saw all manner of glassware being thrown near the kitchen door. I peeked around the corner as a wine glass shattered on the floor. I didn’t even know I had wine glasses. Another wine glass shattered as I looked up and made eye contact with the still topless girl.
“What in the hell are you doing?” I asked in a calm voice.
“Settin’ up one uh those traps like in Home Alone. You’re not gonna be walkin’ in this kitchen with all this glass on the floor!”
Home Alone…perhaps I judged too soon on the Silence of the Lambs. I looked down at her feet and saw that she didn’t have any shoes on. So breaking glasses was sound logic from her perspective. She wouldn’t be able to leave the kitchen. I looked from her bare feet down to my own feet.
“But I’m wearing shoes,” I said as I took a crackling step onto the field of shattered glass at the entrance to the kitchen. A look of defeat crossed her face. She set the highball glasses she had in both her hands down on the counter. Her arms fell to her side and she looked down at her own bare feet.
“Well, go on an’ do whatever you is gonna do to me.”
With her shirt missing, it was hard not to notice her breasts. They were small and perky, a perfect size to the rest of her frame. Not too big and not too small. Just right. I tossed her neon blue shirt to her. “I’m not going to do anything to you except tell you the broom is beside the fridge. Hand it to me if you will. I don’t need you cutting your feet all up and tracking blood all through my house. You’ve done enough damage as it is.”
She tossed her shirt on the counter and turned to the fridge and grabbed the broom. “Here ya go, mister.”
I took the broom from her and set the dustpan on the counter and started to sweep. “You can put your shirt back on if you like.”
“Oh, right. I walk around the club wit’ it off so much sometimes I don’t notice.”
I started sweeping up the glass on the hardwood floor, “You sure seemed to notice when you woke up.”
Her voice was a little muffled as she pulled her shirt back over her head, “Oh, yeah, sorry about all that, mister. I been in some bad situations.”
“I can imagine so with that reaction. My name is Doc by the way.” The shards of glass scritched against each other as I swept them into a neat little pile.
She grabbed the dustpan and squatted down to the pile of glass. She set the dustpan on the floor and I edged the neat little pile up onto the plastic tray.
“Doc, like, ‘What’s up, Doc!’ Like that cartoon! That’s a funny name. My name ain’t nearly so funny. It’s Serenity.”
“Like the ship from Firefly.”
“I reckon so. Don’t know nuffin’ ’bout that.” I finished sweeping the glass, and she stood up and walked over to dump it into the trash can. “Guess I’ll get outta your hair now, mister.”
“Where are you gonna go? You rode here in the limo.”
“I rode in a limo! Well hot damn! I sure as hell all don’t remember that! Reckon I ought not ta drink so much for I go a’ wanderin’ off wit’ strangers, huh, mister?”
I took the dustpan from her and attached it back to the broom handle and put the broom back beside the refrigerator. “I suppose you shouldn’t. Anyway, you rode here in the limo, so where are you gonna go?”
“I guess I’ll just walk on home, mister.” She walked passed me and out of the kitchen toward the front door.
“Where do you live, sweetheart?”
“Over near the strip club.”
“That’s nowhere near here.”
“Well guess I got me a long walk then, huh, mister? Unless that fancy limo of yours can drive me there.”
“Doc. My name is Doc. And Dionjilo has the day off.”
“D on j-who has the what?”
“Dionjilo. He’s the limo driver. He has the day off. Won’t be back until seven tonight.”
“Looks like I’ma walkin’ then. Glad I ain’t workin’ at the club today.” She picked her bright pink purse up off the floor and rustled through it to make sure she had everything.
“Nonsense. If you don’t have anything to do today, stay here. Crash on the couch. I’m going to sleep for a few hours and then we can go get something to eat for lunch.”
She turned to me. It looked as if there was almost a tear welling up in her eye. A big smile slowly crept across her face. “Do you mean it, mister?”
“Of course I mean it, Serenity. And my name is Doc.”
She dropped her purse and ran over and jumped onto me hugging me. “Thank you so much, mister! I’m real sorry about all your glasses and your wall and your Big Mac poster.”
“I’m gonna work real hard and buy back all those fancy glasses I broke and I’ll get you another poster and go to the Lowe’s and get some stuff to fix your wall up real good. My daddy taught me how to fix walls when I was little. I’ll patch it up just like bran’ new.”
She was still hugging me tight. I didn’t quite know what to do, so I patted her on the shoulders. She let go and went over and collapsed on the couch.
“This couch is pro’ly the softest couch I ever been on.”
I walked over to the storage bench by the front door and got out a blue fleece blanket. I walked over to the couch, unfolded the blanket, and spread it out over her.
She looked up at me and smiled, “Thanks a lot for not killin’ and rapin’ me, mister.”
I rolled my eyes and cracked a smile. Her accent was so endearing. “Any time. And my name is Doc.”
She pulled the blanket up close to her neck and face. “Gotcha! Thanks for the blanket too! Sleep tight, Docy-wocy.”
I headed toward my bedroom. As I closed the door to the room, the first morning light was just creeping in. But my room was a cave; the windows were blacked out. It was like a vault. I closed the door and receded into the darkness. I kicked my shoes off and laid down on the bed. My head hit the pillow and I was out.
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs are on the road broadcasting from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck from the Asheville Comic Expo. The Eggs start by giving everyone all the low down on Ghostbusters 3. Then Chuck reviews the iOS8 for iPhone. The Eggs talk about upcoming television and movie news. Doc has a new segment called Doc’s Documentary Corner. And the science community is seriously looking at traveling to Mars!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 1
Everything We Know About Ghostbusters 3
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 2
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 3
TV and Movie News
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 4
Doc’s Documentary Corner: JFK: The Smoking Gun
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 5
Seriously Traveling to Mars
Dear Captain Janeway,
Well, when you got us stranded out here in the Delta Quadrant four years, nineteen days, eleven hours, and 38 minutes ago (not that I’m counting, Lt. Tuvok just happened to be passing by and he keeps up with stuff like that), I didn’t have a lot of faith in you. In fact, there were a lot of people on the ship who thought you were crazy for destroying the alien array that brought us here. And
most a lot of us still view that move as one of your worst ideas. But hey, you’re trained in Starfleet Captainry or whatever they call it, so I figured you knew what you were doing.
Now you did a great job of incorporating the Maquis into the fold here on the ship. I mean, those guys were like super pissed at you. And the ones that didn’t get killed by space aliens or by our own security personnel for trying to overthrow the ship, the ones who jumped on the Voyager bandwagon have turned out pretty good. So that is certainly a point in the black for you. But I’ve been talking with
95% most a lot some of the crew, and we have some demands suggestions for the rest of our voyage home.
Now I know you’re all on this Starfleet Federation kick of let’s explore while we are out here. But seriously, isn’t most of space pretty much the same. Couldn’t we maybe just drop off some solar powered recording probes and give them a push and let them find their way back to Earth? Sort of like a reverse NASA space probe. And hey, they even had a couple probes called Voyager 1 and Voyager 2. I’ve talked to Neelix and he thinks this would be a great morale booster for the crew. He suggested that we have a big christening and launch ceremony. Voyager would live on for thousands of years as the probes make it back to Earth one by one. And then we could make better time instead of stopping off at every planet along the way to investigate.
And since we are talking about it, what’s say we quit wandering off to investigate every new race that’s out there. Sure they may have some sort of better, faster way home, but if they did, don’t you think they would have made it to the Alpha Quadrant and we’d already know about them and their faster-than-warp travel? I mean, I asked Tuvok and he said that was “sound logic.” And besides, Seven of Nine is working on Borgifying some stuff to get us home faster, so I don’t see why we have to make friends with everyone along the way. It seems kinda like we are butting our noses in. And besides, since those big alien hornets and that species that was kicking the Borg’s ass, everyone we’ve met has looked just like humans except they have weird ears or jacked up foreheads. I think we can pass on by a lot of these civilized worlds and not lose a whole lot of anything. Let’s face it, most of them are either at war with some other race, or they end up being jerks and trying to kill us like those dinosaur dudes when we told them they were dinosaurs. And if they aren’t trying to kill us or someone else, they are just plain boring and are doing stuff like buttering their bread with rocks or collecting space trash to hock at some intergalactic flea market (no offense, Neelix).
Now this is probably the biggest ongoing issue. Kathy, you put this ship in danger a lot. I mean A LOT! Maybe we could ease up off of that. There have been dozens of times we’ve had to repair this ship after sticking our phasers somewhere they didn’t belong. I think it’s high time we just minded our own business. Let’s continue this mission as if traveling through the Delta Quadrant is like driving through a really bad neighborhood at night (because if we are being honest here, that’s really what it has been like). Let’s keep our heads down, keep our wings below the radar, and scurry on through as fast and inconspicuously as we can.
Those are just some suggestions. If you’d like to talk about it, that’s cool. I’m not really doing anything since I was confined to quarters after getting repeatedly caught spray painting human anatomy and smiley faces on the bulkheads.
Most cordially yours,
Fleet Admiral (really Acting Ensign but I dream big) BatDoc
This week the Sci-Fried Eggs are on the road broadcasting from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck. Chuck and Cher start with some Doctor Who News. Then the Eggs discuss some new safety technology. The Eggs bring you an interview with Todd Houff from Geek Out. Chuck and Doc talk about their Netflix account. And the Eggs discuss some of the best examples of real science in science-fiction films!
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 72, Segment 1
Doctor Who News
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 72, Segment 2
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 72, Segment 3
Todd Houff Interview
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 72, Segment 4
Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 72, Segment 5
Science in Sci-Fi Films
So my blood pressure is just fine but my cholesterol is a little high? Don’t those balance each other out? Oh, they don’t? Look, I’m not a doctor like you. I don’t know these things. Is this something I should be worried about? No? Then why are you even telling me? Just so I’ll know. Gotcha. Well, thank you for letting me know about it. What? One more question. Sure. Ask away, doc. Oh, where did I get all my scars? That’s a great question. I’m glad you asked. And, yeah, I suppose they are all pretty obvious when I’m sitting here naked. Speaking of which, can I tell you about them while I’m getting dressed? Don’t get me wrong, I like a good meat freezer, but you guys are overdoing it a little here. Seriously, your air-conditioning bill must be stupid expensive. But then again, I guess you probably never turn on the heat in the winter so it all balances out. Oh, right, my scars. Sure. Well, let’s see.
I guess let’s start with the most obviously ones on my forehead. The one on the left side of my forehead was when I stopped myself with the edge of a street sign while riding my bike down a steep grade. I know it sounds terrible, but you should’ve seen the street sign. That thing was bent all to hell. And bloody! Man, was it bloody. Your forehead bleeds A LOT! What am I saying, you’re a doctor. You probably already knew that. Bet they taught you that at John Hopscotch University or wherever you went to doctor school. It’s John what? Whatever.
Anyway, this other forehead scar I got from headbutting a Stormtrooper. Yeah, a Stormtrooper. Have you ever seen Star Wars? Yeah, you know those white guys? No, the guys with the laser swords are the Jedi. And they’re called lightsabers. Yeah, they do look like they’re dressed in bath robes. But the guys in the white armor, you remember them? Yeah, those guys are Stormtroopers. How did I meet them? No, I didn’t work on the movie. I was at this comic book convention and there were a bunch of people dressed up as Stormtroopers. Yeah, it’s apparently a big thing. They have this whole 700 Club they are in. So I said to one of them, “Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?” which is a line from the movie. Well, she didn’t think it was funny. Yeah, she. Yeah, girls dress up as guys all the time at comic book conventions. I don’t judge. Anyway, she sucker punched me in the side and I headbutted her as a natural reaction. Those plastic helmet crack pretty easily from a solid headbutt, but, interestingly enough, cracked plastic is apparently really sharp. And again, foreheads bleed a lot. Yeah, the helmet protected her pretty well, but I got this forehead scar and broke my nose. Broken noses bleed a lot too. But again, you’re a doctor, so you probably already knew that. No, she didn’t get in trouble. I got kicked out of the comic book convention for causing a ruckus. She felt bad about it. We ended up dating for a while until she got into Attack on Titan cosplay and posting on Reddit. Some people are into that kind of thing, but it was just too weird for me.
This scar on my elbow is probably my favorite. I was visiting New York City and I was riding the subway. I know, you have to ride the subway if you visit New York City. Anyway, as I was getting off the subway I got pushed down by Kevin Meaney. I landed on my elbow and broke it and ended up getting a compound fracture. The bone popped right out of my arm. It was totally gross. And Kevin kept right on going. Who’s Kevin Meaney? The guy who would always say “That’s not right!” Yeah, that guy! Oh, I don’t know what he’s doing now, but a few years ago he was pushing people around the subways near Tribeca.
This scar on my index finger is from when I dropped my lucky marble down the garbage disposal. This scar near my ankle is from a deer attack. The one across my lower back is from a dessert bar fight. This one on my left side is where I got shot with an arrow at Ren Faire. The one on the back of my left knee is from a patio furniture fire. The one on my chest is from a board game night accident. I’ve got one on the top of my head where I got hit with an inflatable raft. And the one on the side of my neck is from when I got my head stuck in a hay baler.
This scar here on my upper thigh is from one of my ex-wives. The scar just above my shoulder blade is from the same ex-wife. And so is this one on my left forearm. She was clearly a stabber. I eventually had to get a gun safe for all the knives in the house. And these three small scars near my shoulder, that’s where she stabbed me with a salad fork at The Cheesecake Factory. What? Oh, yeah, it didn’t work out. We got divorced. She’s actually went to prison for lunging at the judge and stabbing a deputy with a Bic Clic Stic pen during our divorce hearing. I think she got five years. But I got a letter from the court that she’s out on good behavior, which I seriously doubt. She probably slept her way out of prison. I don’t know. I guess it’s a thing. You can sleep your way up the corporate ladder, makes sense you could sleep your way out of prison too.
You’re right, doc, I probably am lucky to be alive. Makes that high cholesterol not seem so bad. What? Oh, yeah, my pinky toe. I lost that in a snow shoveling competition.