Why I Can’t Be Friends With You Anymore


The time has finally come.  We had a good run.  And we had a lot of fun.  But the time has finally arrived where I can’t be friends with you anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as disappointed about it as you are.  But I was very clear when we started our friendship, lo those many years ago, in college that there were certain things that I just would not tolerate in a friendship.  And I can remember you laughing when I told you those things.  And now, 19 years later, you are finally experiencing the harsh reality first hand.

You have to admit, I let a lot of stuff go by the wayside.  Like the time when you borrowed my car to go to your church retreat.  It was hard to believe that the Devil made you drink all those shots and then take the car to that strip club where you drank even more shots and then ended up wrapping my car around that tree.  The stripper you picked up broke her leg in like six places.  They said she would never dance the same way again.  And even though I’m not religious nor do I subscribe to such things, there are a lot of things I don’t understand about religion, so who was I to say the Devil wasn’t involved.

Then there was the time you started a fight at the Sheetz station.  I certainly was surprised when I pulled the nozzle out of the gas tank and you sped off in the car.  And I never really truly understood the phrase “guilt by association,” but that biker gang sure was excited to explain it to me.  I’m not sure what you said to them, but you sure did hit a nerve.  I spent almost eight weeks in the hospital.  My job actually fired me after my sick time ran out five weeks in.  And I still have a slight limp and have enough metal pins in my legs and left arm that I set off metal detectors.  But sometimes our heart says things before our mind realizes what we’re saying.

And even though I was slightly miffed, I still didn’t get mad at you after you slept with my wife the 8th time.  I really probably should have been mad because I had politely asked you five times not to sleep with her again.  But she was really hot and really slutty when she’d had a couple beers, so it was probably my fault for letting her go drinking with you.  And you know what they say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me seven more times, shame on me.

And, boy howdy, didn’t we all learn a lesson on that hunting trip when you accidentally shot me.  The doctor’s said it was a miracle that I survived.  They had never seen anyone get shot at point blank range with a shotgun and survive.  They said it was a miracle that none of the 213 pieces of buckshot they picked out of me hit any vital organs.  The worst that happened was just a lot of superficial scarring and the mental anguish any time there is a loud noise.  I’m still not sure how you mistook me for a bear, especially since I was dressed in nothing but bright day-glow orange.  But I guess you were right that a bear could kill a hunter and wear his clothes to sneak up on other unsuspecting hunters.

Given all those things, in addition to many, many more things over the years that I probably should have ended our friendship over, I haven’t.  I stood by the rules that I gave you.  But you’ve finally broken the one rule that I can’t bend on.  You shit your pants.  I don’t even care how it happened.  I don’t want to know how it happened.  All I know is I told you that if you shit your pants I couldn’t be your friend any more.  And now you’ve forced me to make good on that condition of our friendship.  I wish you well in life and I hope that your next friend can overlook you dropping a dump in your jeans.

 

Chapter 29 of The Autobiography of Viva Doc Vegas: Broadcasting Legend


I woke up a little less than 100%.  A night of drinking and other I only assume some of which were illegal things with Amy Lee in the Big Apple will do that to you.  I remember doing parts of the show at WLIB.  I remember Al Franken laughing at some of the shit I said, so I must have been funny at least.  I remember Amy Lee being on the show and inviting me hang out with her and party.  But that was last night and this was this morning, I guess.  Amy was still in bed.  I let her sleep.  I got dressed and headed out the door of room 3202.

The hallway was so bright.  I’m glad I had my sunglasses on.  I walked down to the elevator and punched the little button with the down arrow on it.  The button lit up red as I pressed it.  I took a step back and tried to clear my head.  I heard something down the hallway.  The giggling sound of female voices.  The giggling voices grew louder as the three girls finally appeared from around the corner.  They were all dressed up like they were going out for the evening.  I looked them up and down.  Young girls.  Probably their first time in Manhattan.  You could tell a lot by just listening to people talk.  All three of these girls were amazingly hot.  I shook the cobwebs out of my head and turned on my charming radio smile.  I looked over at the three girls and used my classic opening line, “I’m Doc.  Do you like to party?”

They all stopped talking for a second and looked at each other before the brunette of the group said, “Yeah, we party.”

Jackpot I thought to myself.  Let’s mash the gas here.  “You got a couple more friends because I’m looking to really party.”

The short-haired blonde spoke up and said they were meeting a couple of other girls in the lobby.  The ding of a bell sounded and the elevator doors slid open.  We all entered and the doors eased shut.  We rode all the way down to the lobby without another stop.  When the doors of the car opened, there were two more amazingly hot girls, a ginger and another brunette.  I liked the way this was shaping up.

A quick round of introductions of names I had no intention of remembering and we all headed out the front door of the hotel.  It was dark outside.  What time was it?  How long had I been asleep?  Wonder what Amy is doing?  Anyway, no time to sort all that out.  Gotta stay focused on the now.  The long-haired blonde of the group raised her hand to hail a cab.

“What the hell are you doing?” I said, gently grabbing her arm and pulling it down to her side.

“I was–“

I cut her off, “Do you know who the hell I am!?”  She looked bewildered.  She stammered for words before I put a finger over her little lips.  “I’m Viva Doc fucking Vegas!  I have a moderately rated overnight radio show!”  The ginger and the short-haired blonde giggled with delight.  I pulled out my StarTAC phone, flipped it open, and raised the small antenna.  I called Dionjilo and had him bring the limo around.  The ginger and the short-haired blonde were already on my arms when the Caddy screeched to a halt in front of the hotel.  We all got into the limo, me and five beautiful girls.  “Roll, Dionjilo,” was all I managed to get out before the ginger started kissing me.

We drove around for what nearly wasn’t long enough.  By the time we reached Avalon over off of 20th, I’d made out with 60% of the girls in the limo.  Dionjilo dropped us off and we all strutted up to the front door.  I had been to the Avalon enough that the bouncer knew me so I wouldn’t have had to pay to get in anyway, but, with five beautiful women all around you, cover charges get overlooked at dance clubs no matter who you are.  I don’t remember much about the club other than it was like every other club I’ve ever been to–dark.  The manager of the club knew who I was as well and we were escorted to a private out-of-the-way area with comfortable couches, plush chairs, and free drinks.  As other girls made their way over to say hello and party it up, the five girls I arrived with headed out to the dance floor.

Time had little meaning.  I had had a dozen various shots that people had bought me on top of the three or four beers I had drank.  There were another five girls who were lounging all over me and the couch I was sitting on in various positions by the time the five girls I arrived with found their way back over to me.

The ginger walked around behind the couch and leaned in close to my ear and said, “We’re ready to go back to the room to have some fun.”  She lightly licked my ear and released a heavy breath.  I said, “All right, we’re fucking rollin’.  Who’s in?!”  The five new girls who were sprawled out all over the couch jumped up and we all headed toward the door.  Dionjilo had the limo parked out front when we poured out of the club.  Everyone piled in and we headed back to the hotel.

When we pulled up at the hotel the limo looked like a clown car of supermodels.  Ten beautiful ladies struggled out of the back of the black stretch and to their feet.  I was the last one to get out.  Before I left the car, I looked at Dionjilo in the rear view mirror.  “You lucky bastard,” was all he said and he saluted me.  I saluted back and got out of the car and closed the door.

The girls looked at me and I said, “Come on.”  We all went up to the convention level and wandered into some sort of convention cocktail mixer.  I had learned long ago that there’s never any reason to buy alcohol.  The girls were a delightful addition to the evening as it was mostly stuffy men in expensive business suits.  The girls mingled a bit while I kept wandering around and dumping free drinks into them from the open bar of this event that wasn’t even my event.  After 30 minutes and who knows how much alcohol, I rounded them all up and we headed back to the elevators.

Once we all got up to room 3261, I looked at the girls and said, “Okay, let’s get down to business and party.”  I explained what I was looking for.  The girls whose room this was were all in, but one of girls I had rounded up from the club looked at me and said, “It’s gonna cost ya.”  Typical club girls.

“Fine,” I said, “How much?”

The raven-haired club candy replied, “Seven.”  Never flinching, I reached into my pocket and threw out seven big ones.  She looked at the bills laying on the small coffee table and said, “No, seven each.”

I looked at the ginger who was clenched to my left arm and said, “Do you believe this shit?  Fine.  Let’s get comfortable and get this thing going.”

So 35 bucks later we are all playing the biggest game of Monopoly I’ve ever been in.  If I haven’t mentioned it before, I fucking love Monopoly.  It’s by far the best game Parker Brothers has ever put out except for maybe Rack-O.  And technically Hasbro puts out Rack-O, but Parker Brothers is a subsidiary of Hasbro, so cram your technicality.  But I do have to say this, eleven people playing Monopoly is a fucking wreck.  And girls are loud.  And even louder when they’re being competitive.

Right around hour number three of the game was when hotel security knocked on the door.  Apparently the hotel had gotten calls and Chaz, the head of hotel security, said other guests had reported that it “sounded like someone was being murdered in room 3261.”  Whatever, Chaz.  Then Chaz started asking a bunch of questions about whose room this was and how long they were staying at the hotel and who all these other people were.  I kissed the ginger on the cheek.  She giggled and batted her eyes.  I patted her on the top of her thigh and got up from the couch.

I decided now was a good time to go get some ice.  I took the shiny metal ice bucket and headed out the door.  The ice machine was on the floor below me, so I had to wait for the elevator.  I looked like hell, wearing my sunglasses, standing there in just my Dr Pepper t-shirt and my green and orange striped boxers, holding a metal ice bucket.  As the bell dinged and the elevator door opened, I heard a familiar voice, “I have ice in my room, you know.”  I looked up to see Amy standing there looking me over.  She walked out of the elevator and shrugged her shoulders, “You could always come cool off there.”  She turned and walked in the direction of room 3202.  I dropped the ice bucket in the hallway and jogged to catch up.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 64 #140723


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from MonsterCon in Greenville, SC!  The Eggs get to chat with Bill Gibson, the mortal caretaker of the Christine movie car.  Then the Eggs have their very first return guest on the show, Camden Toy!  Then friends of the show Santiago Cirilo and Angela Pritchett talk about their new pilot show from 13th Floor EFX, The Nephilim Chronicles!  And the Eggs have the honor to talk to Captain Christopher Pike, Sean Kenney, who answers The Half Dozen!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 64 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 64, Segment 1
Bill Gibson and Christine

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 64, Segment 2
Camden Toy

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 64, Segment 3
Santiago Cirilo and Angela Pritchett from The Nephilim Chronicles

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 64, Segment 4
Sean Kenney Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 64, Segment 5
Sean Kenney Part 2

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The Duster and Tex Show Episode 129 #140722


Duster and Tex LogoThis week the boys talk about their run-ins with modern technology. Then Duster talks about the summer job Tex inadvertently got for him at Dairy Queen and how booze fixes everything. The boys share a story of the time they got between a mother bear and her cubs and what you should do if you’re ever in a similar situation. And finally Duster and Tex hop onto the ghost hunters craze and decide to start their own paranormal investigation group!

Follow Duster and Tex on Twitter @DusterandTex!

The Duster and Tex Show Episode 129 – Click to Listen or Download

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 129, Segment 1
Modern Technology

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 129, Segment 2
Dairy Queen Summer and Booze Fixes It

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 129, Segment 3
Between Mama and Her Cubs

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 129, Segment 4
Paranormal Ass Whippin’ Service

Why The Brown Mountain Lights Hate Me


I’ve never actually seen the Brown Mountain Lights.  For those of you who don’t know, The Brown Mountain Lights are these “alleged” lights in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina.  I could explain more about the background and supposed causes of these lights, but you’re adults and can read and I’m not here to give the Brown Mountain Lights any more free advertising than they’re already getting.

Anyway, apparently the Brown Mountain Lights hate me.  That’s the only explanation I can come up with.  I have spent countless hours sitting in parked cars, lounging on picnic tables at mosquito-infested overlooks, and leaning against metal guardrails in sub-zero temperatures all for nothing.  I’ve poured my heart and a decent part of my cold, black soul into seeing this elusive and mysterious phenomena, but the Brown Mountain Lights have been total dicks about it.  They haven’t even had the decency to meet me halfway on anything.  Seriously, they haven’t showed up for anything at all!

And I’ve totally gone above and beyond on my end.  There was the time I initiated a hard-target search of the area by sort of giving state and local authorities the impression that I lost my six-year-old nephew.  Now, in retrospect, I was in the wrong to lie and say my he was my nephew when he was really my cousin.  And I can honestly say I didn’t know exactly where he was, so assuming he may be lost in the particular nine square mile area where the Brown Mountain Lights have been most reported wasn’t technically incorrect, regardless of what the news media would have you believe.  And get a load of this!  This is how shitty the Brown Mountain Lights are.  Over 350 people, including lots of highly-trained search and rescue personnel, scoured the landscape day and night (very important) for almost eleven weeks and not a single one of those 350 people saw a single one of the Brown Mountain Lights!

Then there was the time I stole borrowed that helicopter to do aerial surveillance and ended up crashing strategically landing it in the banquet room of a Cheeseburger in Paradise.  Some people say that was the reason that particular Cheeseburger in Paradise closed.  But I heard from a stoner who lived in his van a reliable source that the restaurant closed because they had a big roach problem.  I mean, they had a big problem with roaches.  I can imagine a big roach problem would maybe be a draw for certain restaurants.  Sort of like the big cockroach in Beetlejuice.  Or I guess that was more of a beetle.  Anyway, point being, a Bell 47 helicopter smashed through gently lodged in the banquet room wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back of that restaurant.  In fact, that was probably the most media coverage that restaurant had gotten since it opened.  So you’re welcome, Jimmy Buffet.

Now I realize that this might be an it’s-not-you-it’s-me situation.  And I would be cool with that if only the Brown Mountain Lights would be stand up enough to tell me that to my face.  Instead, I think the Brown Mountain Lights have been actively avoiding me.  And don’t get me wrong.  Some of my tactics for trying to spot the Brown Mountain Lights have been less than legal preferable admirable.  Sure, burning down 40 square acres of forest was initially (and I’m sure continually by some) frowned upon by the U.S. Forestry Service and other law enforcement agencies.  But love makes people do crazy things, am I right?

 

♠ The title for this essay is courtesy of Ernie Cooper.  If you have an essay title you’d like to suggest, email it to BatDocBlog@gmail.com.  You might see your essay title in one of my books, and I’ll be sure to thank you in the book for it!

The Wonders of Danville, Virginia


If you’ve never been to Danville, Virginia, start making your vacation plans now.  Danville is probably one of the most amazing places you can visit in America.  I know what you’re thinking, “But, Doc, I’ve never heard of Danville, Virginia.”  Of course you haven’t.  Some would say that’s due to Danville’s non-existent tourism department and severe lack of tourism advertising along the Highway 29 corridor.  However, I think it’s all part of Danville’s master plan to ensure their town isn’t completely overrun by visitors like a Stein Mart during a Black Friday sale.

So what makes Danville more awesome that Disney World or Six Flags or the Mitchell Corn Palace?  Well, I’m glad you asked!  First, just right out of the gate and in your face, Danville has a tank museum.  I’m going to wait a minute and let the end of that last sentence sink in for you.  That’s right, a freakin’ tank museum.  I can’t even begin to convey to you how awesome that is.  If a cannon had sex with a bulldozer at a tractor pull and then the offspring of that had sex with a monster truck in a fireworks factory and then that offspring has sex with a fighter jet in the poorly-lit back room of a gun store/pawn shop, the offspring of that last relationship wouldn’t even come close to being as cool as one of the halls of this tank museum.  And, yes, you read that right.  One of the halls, which implies there’s more than one!  There’s actually like 4 different halls that have tanks in them!  These are freakin’ aircraft hangers full of tanks!  They have a full-size V2 rocket.  They have the largest indoor radio-controlled tank battlefield in the world.  There’s a freaking full-sized Apache helicopter.  There’s a sweet Bicycles of World War II exhibit.  They have Hitler’s wife’s dress.  And, and I shit you not on this last one, they have a velociraptor.  Not to mention they have a sweet gift shop with lots of stuff that was way out of my price range (not a good indicator as I only had enough cash on me to get into the museum).

Sure, I know what you’re saying, “Big deal, so they have a tank museum.”  Just kidding, no one would ever say that because a tank museum is the most awesomest thing any town could ever have.  What you’re really saying is, “I’m sold on going to Danville.  But just out of curiosity, what else does the amazing town of Danville have to offer?”  Again, I’m glad you asked.

Danville is the hometown of Dan Medos Jenkins.  A lot of you are probably asking who Dan Medos Jenkins is.  And that’s a fair question.  Dan Medos Jenkins is the most famous quarterback from Danville.  Now a lot of people think the town is named after Dan, but it’s actually the other way around.  Dan’s parents named him Dan after the town of Danville where he was born.  However, Medos Pizza over on the Franklin Turnpike is named after Dan.  Dan Medos Jenkins’ claim to fame is his football career with the George Washington High School Eagles where he was responsible for leading the team to both their wins.  Dan was the star (term used loosely) quarterback (term also used loosely) for the ’03-’04 school year and passed for an amazing 64 yards in one game!  He was also responsible for an astounding 38 running yards in the same game.  Unfortunately, the Tunstall Trojans beat the GW Eagles 78 to 3 in that record-breaking game.  At the time, that put the Eagles overall record at 2-1-497.  To this day, the George Washington High School Eagles are proud of the only two wins they have.  Dan helped the team squeak out a victory over the Stoney Mill Elementary Mustangs and they had a pretty solid win of 3-0 against the Danville Red Hat Society Ladies at the Dan River Dolls and Lively Ladies Lunch Brunch.  The tie actually came before Dan’s time in 2001 when the Eagles played the Eastern North Carolina School for the Deaf.

As I’m sure everyone reading this is already on Priceline.com booking their tickets for their vacation to Danville, I don’t really need to go on, but I would be remiss if I didn’t quickly mention a few more of places of interest in Danville.

  Danville’s Riverwalk Trail – Some people will describe Danville’s Riverwalk Trail as scenic.  Those are people who are gluttons for punishment, psychotic trail killers, or brought bikes.  It’s basically 8.5 paved miles of bugs and a river.  If you like long, miserable death marches where you see lots of places that look like factory installed computer desktop backgrounds, then Danville’s Riverwalk Trail is for you.

  Danville Historical Society’s Guided Walking Tour – Do yourself a favor and call ahead to make sure Rick is working.  He’s worth the time and money and will give you the real low-down on the history of Danville.  Peggy just ends up talking a lot about her cats and her mom’s endometriosis during her tours.

  Danville Science Center – If you’re looking to spend twenty bucks for nine thrilling (their word) minutes of science, this is the place for you.

  Goodyear Golf Club – Let’s face it, anyone reading this isn’t high-society enough to get into this golf course.

  Karen’s Hallmark Shop – I’ve heard this place is a real rager from 5:30PM to 6 o’clock.

 Also while you’re in Danville, you should be sure to eat at Mama Possums restaurant, also conveniently located on the Franklin Turnpike.  Mama Possums sports a very hearty menu with a variety of dishes that may or may not contain possum.  It’s definitely worth your time if you’re not in the mood for pizza at Medos.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 63 #140716


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Outdoor Amphitheater of Bathurst Manor.  The Eggs start by discussing the new changes and branding of Google’s Android system and also talk about some cool 3D pens.  Nestle is working on building a Star Trek style food replicator.  Cher brings us another segment of her World of Weirdness.  NASA has designed a faster than light speed space ship they are calling the IXS Enterprise.  And the Eggs get ready for MonsterCon in Greenville with a MonsterCon Warmup interview with Chris Sarandon!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 63 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 63, Segment 1
Google’s New Android Branding and 3D Pens

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 63, Segment 2
Nestle Food Replicator

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 63, Segment 3
Cher’s World of Weirdness #5

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 63, Segment 4
NASA’s IXS Enterprise and Space Travel

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 63, Segment 5
MonsterCon Warmup: Chris Sarandon Interview

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The Duster and Tex Show Episode 128 #140715


Duster and Tex LogoThis week on the show, the boys share some stories about exs and the St. Bernard they used to have. Then the boys recount their experiences meeting Reba McEntire and the 24 hours they spent with the Gambler himself, Kenny Rogers!

Follow Duster and Tex on Twitter @DusterandTex!

The Duster and Tex Show Episode 128 – Click to Listen or Download

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 128, Segment 1
Exs and the St. Bernard

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 128, Segment 2
Filling in for Reba McEntire’s Band

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 128, Segment 3
Almost Owned Kenny Roger’s Guitar

The Duster and Tex Show: Episode 128, Segment 4
Gambling with the Gambler

My First Speech as President of the World


Hello everyone and thank you for joining me for my first speech.  When I suggested the idea of there being a President of the World last Thursday, I was really impressed at the overwhelming support of my idea.  Sure, there were a few naysayers (looking at you, North Korea), but I’m glad that everyone could sort out their differences and agree that we needed one President of the World to handle things.  And I know that when I “boldly” suggested that I should be the President of the World there was some grumbling (USA, you know who you are).  But I think the support (and there was a surprising amount of it) of other countries that agreed that the USA should not be in charge anymore really spoke for itself.  And speaking of support, I would like to start this speech by thanking all those who supported me in my aggressive underground takeover totally legit democratic election.  All those who supported me will certainly be rewarded appropriately in my upcoming planetary administration (Switzerland, all I’m going to say is, neutrality doesn’t cut it around here any more, so if you’re not for me you’re against me).

Having been President of the World for a little over 11 hours, I think it’s safe to say that this new administration isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  I also want to let everyone know that after the convenient devastating power grid failure/Internet crash that led to this administration’s installment, my second in command, Todd, has assured me that most of Reddit and Netflix will be back up and running for everyone by Friday probably.  Todd also wanted to let everyone know, and this mostly pertains to militaries, government agencies, and businesses with openly-advertised religious affiliations, don’t freak out about any files you think you may have lost in the blackout.  We have copies of all of those “lost” files in our secure servers.  Todd used to work for CompuServe and is wicked good at Internet security.  Don’t worry, you’re welcome.

Mad props to the postal services from around the world.  When you guys say nor rain, or sleet, or snow, or volcanoes, or rabid badgers, or zombie chickens, or whatever else, you guys really mean it.  If it weren’t for Sundays, you guys would be solid 100% of the time.  And in light of all the confusion and reorganization, you guys have done a great job of making sure to get all my mail delivered in a timely manner.

In the last 10 and a half hours, I’ve gotten thousands of letters and emails.  I had to get three interns to sort through all of them.  Now I like swears and good-natured ribbing as much as the next person, but some of the letters I’ve received are just straight-up hate mail.  And although it is really rude and uncalled for, I realize there is always a transition period with any new administration.  And I want all you haters to know that I’m going to let the rude letters slide, but only until the end of the week.  When Monday rolls around, I’m going to have a zero tolerance policy for that kind of nonsense.  If you have a legitimate complaint, then you need to write it like an Earth citizen, without all the pejoratives and metaphorical slurs.

I should also take this time to address all the love letters that have been sent to me.  I’m not sure who let the cat out of the bag that I’m single, but there’s no way I can start a serious relationship with anyone who has sent me a well-written decently-written psychotically overtoned love letter in the last eleven hours.  Since becoming President of the World, how could I possibly know whether a sultry skirt’s intentions of love are based on my dashing good looks and delightful sense of humor or the sheer power and modest wealth of being President of the World.  There’s no possible way I can.  So that means a serious relationship is out.  The safest move for me right now (and Todd agrees) is to have a closely guarded harem.  I know that seems like a barbarian idea to some people, but there are reasons why great leaders throughout history have had harems and other leaders have been impeached.  That also means that there are more positions available for employment opportunities.  So just think of it as me already creating more jobs.  And ladies who have already sent letters with your photo included, that can count as your application to my harem.

Now there’s going to be some changes in how we do things, but don’t worry, once we get Reddit and Netflix back up (priorities, am I right?), Todd is going to get everyone up to speed on the new procedures.  And from here on out, if Todd tells you guys to do something, then you need to listen.  He’s my second in command, so I pretty much trust him.

I’d also like to thank Germany for volunteering to provide refreshments for this first meeting.  I hadn’t even planned on having refreshments until they said something about it.  Germany’s excitement and willingness in regard to this new administration is a great example to every other country in the world.  These guys have been have been really great and ready to help at every turn.  Pay attention, ’cause Germany is going places, folks.  Seriously, they’ve been helping out like they’ve got some sort of score to settle.  And they’ve also set a really high bar for refreshments that’s going to be a tough act to follow.  I kind of feel sorry that Haiti is next on the refreshments list.

My Study Group is Weird


My study group is weird.  I’ve heard other people talk about their study groups, and it seems like their study groups are filled with normal people.  But not my study group.  Nope.  My study group is chock full of crazy like a Payday candy bar is chock full of nuts.  Let me explain.

First I guess I should tell you about Karen.  Karen is the self-appointed leader of our study group.  And Karen would be all mad and butt-hurt if I didn’t talk about her first since she is the self-appointed leader of the study group.  Karen worked in sales for like 20 years until she cheated on her husband and then divorced him and took half his stuff, the house, three of his four sports cars, their boat, and their two cats.  Now that Karen is a “free woman” (her words) she’s going back to school to be a nurse.  I don’t know if being a nurse is the best choice for Karen.  I’ve seen psychotic, chainsaw-wielding, serial killers who have a better disposition and bedside manner than Karen.  But it’s her ex-husband’s money that is paying for her schooling, so I guess she can do what she wants.

Rajesh is, and every group has one of these people, Rajesh is the guy who says he has been everywhere and done everything but must have been unconscious while he was doing it because he clearly doesn’t remember a damn thing about any of his experiences.  Seriously, if you said, “I sure wouldn’t want to swim in a river with piranhas, Rajesh would pipe up and say something like, “I’ve swam with piranhas before.  It’s not a big deal.  You just have to make sure the water is cold enough that they aren’t active.  Piranhas won’t attack in cold water.”  Rajesh will also talk about stuff that he’s never done like he’s some sort of certified expert.  This one time, he told us all about how we would all make terrible astronauts because we wouldn’t be able to pass all the tests.  But then Karen talked to Rajesh’s girlfriend because she works at the same Rite-Aid Karen goes to and  Rajesh’s girlfriend said he probably told us that because Sy-Fy played Space Camp, Explorers, and Space Cowboys back to back like three nights in a row.  Then there was this one time Rajesh told us we should only eat goat cheese because mad cow disease could live dormant for 30 years and imported cheeses could carry the disease.  I’ve found that like 95% of what Rajesh says can be debunked by a basic Google search.  Seriously, Snopes.com should hire him as a content generator.

Then there’s Ted.  Ted is a nudist.  Sure it was a little weird the first couple study sessions.  Ted shows up and just strips down.  And I’m not talking to underwear or anything.  I mean, he strips down to just what the good lord gave him.  He says being nude helps him think.  And even though it was a little distracting at first, we all got used to Ted being nude.  Now, honestly, it’s kind of weird watching him put on clothes to leave our study room and walk across campus.  I would say it’s kind of like when you know someone who has a beard and then they shave and they look all different.  But it’s not like that at all because Ted keeps things trimmed up if you know what I mean.  And Ted has invited us over to his house for study group, and as much as all the guys in the group have agreed that we would love to see Ted’s wife in the buff (Ted’s wife is like supermodel hot), we have all agreed it would be weird to see his pre-teen kids walking around nude.  Plus, Ted says they have a strict nudist policy at the house, so everyone in the study group would have strip down too, and Karen is having none of that.

Manda is scary.  And her name is Manda, not A-Manda.  She’s very adamant about her name and its proper pronunciation.  Manda just turned 17 (which would also make going to Ted’s house for study group a little more uncomfortable) and has been in and out of trouble for most of her life.  She finally got to the point where her choices were a minimum of 5 years in prison or 2 years in juvie and going back to school and getting her GED.  She spent a year in juvie and got out on good behavior, although I’m not sure how (apparently good behavior in juvie has a way different meaning than good behavior in the outside world).  Manda doesn’t say much, but from the looks she gives people (mostly Karen), Manda spends a lot (most) of her time trying to not to kill other people.  I get to sit next to Manda because that was only seat that was left when I got to the study room.  Manda will pass me notes that say things like, “I hope someone kills Karen,” or “I wish Rajesh would fall into a vat of acid.”  But I do think Manda and I have really bonded because now when she writes me notes like, “I wish this room would catch on fire and everyone would burn to death,” she will add, “except for us,” and will draw a little smiley face.  I think all Manda really needs is a positive role model in her life that doesn’t judge her.  And I’m not going to judge her because I have no doubt that she would strangle me to death behind the building if I did.

Matt seriously thinks he’s a ninja.  I shit you not on this one.  He dresses all in black all the time.  He wears a mask that just shows his eyes.  For a bigger guy, he’s really light on his feet.  The only thing that is keeping Matt from being a really good ninja is that he is loud.  He talks loud.  Really, it’s like he has no control over the sound of his voice.  It’s like when you put new batteries in an old radio and the sound is all scratchy unless you turn the volume up as loud as it will go.  That’s Matt’s normal speaking voice.  And Matt isn’t just loud when he talks.  He’s loud when he eats, when he walks, when he sits down, when he stands up, when he’s getting Karen snacks out of the machine because she’s too lazy to go get them, when he’s trying to sneak up on people, when he’s jotting down notes.  Matt’s even loud when he’s standing still.  It’s ridiculous.  He’s like a title for a children’s book, “The Loudest Ninja.”  If it weren’t for being loud, Matt would probably make a really great ninja.

Then there’s me.  I’m pretty normal except that I like to sneak up behind people and hit them in the back of the head with a shovel.  So far I’ve gotten everyone in study group at least once, except Manda because I’m afraid she’ll shiv me.

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