Jobs I Think I’d Be Really Great At


Now most people will list my greatest quality as my hair.  But a close second would have to be my modesty.  And being modest means I have to admit that any job I would take I would be great at.  However, there are some jobs I think I’d be really great at.  What are the jobs that I would be really great at?  Well, I’m glad you freakin’ asked!

Mall Kiosk Attendant – Being my own boss is at the top of my list of job requirements right after great pay, benefits, dental, vision, a great snack room, free coffee, and an eleven-hour work week.  And I’ve also always said that if you want anything done right, you might as well do it yourself.  So being a mall kiosk attendant is the best of both worlds.  I’m my own boss and my own employee, which also means I’m simultaneously my favorite boss and employee, so that’s a bonus win-win.  I get to keep up with my own inventory.  I get to interact with people at my leisure.  And there are always a lot of hot girls with little-to-no supervision at the mall, which, in the pickup artist biz, is what they call a “target rich environment.”  So I’d have that going for me.

Toll Booth Operator – Being a toll booth operator shares a lot of the same advantages that being a mall kiosk attendant has.  And I do like working in quaint and close quarters  (the school I used to work at literally set my office up in a utility closet.  No joke, the height of my office was greater than the sum of its length and width.  It was like working in an elevator shaft).  The shorter the interaction with people I have, the better I like it, so taking money or making change to someone who doesn’t even want to stop at my booth to begin with means I’ll be great at moving people along.  I should also mention I’m wicked efficient at repetitive tasks.

Tour Guide – I know a lot of stuff about a lot of places.  And I love to tell people about that stuff.  Not to mention I’m one hell of a leader.  And I look good in a variety of period style hats.  I think tour guide is a slam dunk.  Not to mention that it would get me out of the house.  Historic residence, classic car garage, Civil War battle site, house of wax, Smithsonian, origami museum, I could pretty much handle anything that a tour could throw at me.  And if I happen to end up as some sort of jungle tour guide, I’m well prepared.  I’ve seen Romancing the Stone probably 30 times and I’ve seen Jewel of the Nile twice.  Like I said, slam dunk.

Beauty Pageant Judge – One of the many talents (along with modesty) that I was gifted with is the fervent desire to look at beautiful women and judge them based on a series of competitions focused primarily on superficial criteria.   This is also why I apathetically excel at judging costume contests.  It’s also the reason why Doctor Who never wins a costume contest that I judge.  It’s mostly because I don’t understand Doctor Who and how can I, in good conscience, choose something that I don’t understand?  It’s a rhetorical question, Doctor Who fans.  Don’t try to explain it to me.  And granted, I don’t understand what goes on in Utah, but I can sure tell if a girl from Utah is prettier and answers questions better than 49 other girls.  Actually, now that I think about it, a sexy girl Doctor Who would probably stand a good chance in a costume contest that I’m judging.  Food for thought, Whovians.

Starship Captain – I’m not sure if this is a real job yet, but as soon as it becomes one, I should be on the list of first people to captain a starship.  If there should be anyone responsible for 600,000 metric tons of metal cruising through space exploring planets and romancing beautiful alien women, it should be me.  I’ve seen every episode of Star Trek twice now.  And as long as Netflix keeps them up and I have any shred of free time, I’ll will have seen them all three times by the time this becomes a real job (unless it already is, in which case two times is gonna have to cut it).  I’ve also seen Starship Troopers, Star Wars, and Galaxy Quest, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got Starship Captainry down.  Not to mention that I’m well-liked and I have great hair (and don’t forget my modesty).

Lounge Singer – I’m not that great of a singer, but no one can argue that I’m a very passionate singer.  That makes me perfect for singing in a lounge with drunk people who don’t particularly care about quality so much as they do showmanship.  Not to mention, I look great in a suit.  I will have to find someone who plays a piano because I don’t play the piano very well that great at all.

State Representative – How hard can this job be?  Seriously, I watch a fair amount of C-SPAN and it seems like all you need to be a state representative is a decent suit and the desire to sit in a fancy room and listen to other people talk about stuff only they care about.  I do that all the time now, and my suits are far better than decent.  So I might as well get paid well and get great benefits for all my trouble.

That’s just a start.  I’m sure there are thousands more jobs I’d be really well-suited for.  But my modesty will only permit me to list so many at a time.

 

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 77 #141022


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from Crystal Coast Con at Mac Daddy’s Entertainment Center in Cape Carteret, North Carolina!  The Eggs start with some news about the Boeing x-37B Space Plane landing, a theory about Stan Lee in the Marvel Multiverse, and some movie pragmatism.  Then the Eggs interview Twilight‘s Rick Mora!  The Walking Dead actor Santiago Cirilo sits down at the first three-peat guest on the show.  And then the Eggs have the honor of talking with Starship Troopers Johnny Rico himself, Casper Van Dien.  And Ernie Hudson stops by to check in with the Eggs and give his thoughts on Ghostbusters 3!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 77 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 77, Segment 1
Live from Crystal Coast Con/Boeing X-37B Space Plane Lands/Stan Lee is The Watcher/Movie Pragmatism

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 77, Segment 2
Rick Mora

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 77, Segment 3
Santiago Cirilo

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 77, Segment 4
Casper Van Dien Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 77, Segment 5
Casper Van Dien Part 2 and Ernie Hudson

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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 76 #141015


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs broadcast from the Restoration Room of the Site C Compound.  Doc and Chuck give their picks for the Ghostbusters all female cast.  Doc has another episode of Doc’s Documentary Corner and tackles Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide.  The Eggs bring you a double shot Crystal Coast Con Warmup interview with Marina Sirtis.  And the Eggs talk about physical media in a non-physical age!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 76 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 1
Ghostbusters 3 Female Casting

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 2
Doc’s Documentary Corner: Bigfoot: The Definitive Guide

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 3
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 1

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 4
Crystal Coast Con Warmup: Marina Sirtis Interview Part 2

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 76, Segment 5
Physical Media in a Non-Physical Age

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Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 75 #141008


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs are on the road broadcasting from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck from Supah Pop in Columbia, SC!  The Eggs start by talking about rumors of William Shatner in the next Star Trek movie.  Then the Eggs talk about new fall television shows and the return of Lost.  The Eggs salute the return of The Walking Dead and season 4 of the show on Netflix with an interview with Iron-E Singleton.  Chuck has a special edition of Crap Chuck Found on the Internet.  And finally, for the month of October, the Eggs talk about some of their favorite horror films!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 75 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 1
William Shatner in Star Trek 3

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 2
New Shows and Lost News

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 3
Walking Dead Rewind: Iron-E Singleton Interview

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 4
Crap Chuck Found on the Internet #6: Christmas Edition

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 75, Segment 5
Our Favorite Horror Movies

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Doc’s Do-It-Yourself Method


There are a lot of people who like to do things themselves.  Some are poor people.  Some are people who are gluttons for punishment.  And some are people who are all about doing things themselves because they can, or they get some sick sense of fulfillment, or they are hippies.  Now the whole Do-It-Yourself process is just like any other professional process.  It takes time and effort and a lot of luck.  Unless you’re me, then it just takes time.

There are lots of Do-It-Yourself methods out there.  Some are better than others.  And some are just plain stupid.  But most of them involved a few simple steps to achieve results.  Since I’m wicked smart (and good-looking) (and modest), a lot of people ask me, “Doc, what kind of Do-It-Yourself method do you follow?”  Well, I’m glad you asked!  I like to follow the patented Doc’s Do-It-Yourself Method!  What is Doc’s Do-It-Yourself Method?  Again, I’m glad you asked!

Here’s how Doc’s Do-It-Yourself Method works:

1. Access the problem or decide what you want to do.
2. Develop a plan of attack.
3. Research and develop.
4. Test said plan.
5. Execute plan.

Let’s go through the process with a little example.  Let’s say you want to build a bird house.  BAM!  You’ve already completed Step 1!  Deciding what you want to do is a step in itself!  You see, Doc’s Do-It-Yourself Method is all about the rewards!  Why waste time being disappointed right out of the gate when you can already feel like you’ve accomplished 20% of your goal!  I know, it’s awesome (I told you I was wicked smart).Now on to Step 2.  Let’s develop that plan of attack.  We got to decide how we are we going to build this bird house?  There’s no reason to spend a lot of time coming up with our own ideas when lots of other chumps have shared their sweet ideas.  Let’s look on the Internet and see what kind of birdhouses other people are building.  Go ahead.  Take a look.  I’ll wait.Yeah, I know, there’s a lot of stupid ways people are building bird houses, but there are a few (very few) diamonds in the rough.  So go ahead and pick a design you like.  Go ahead.  Pick one.  I’ll wait.Did you pick a design you like?  Great!  That’s Step 2!  You’re 40% done!  That’s almost halfway!

Now Step 3 is where we have to take a trip to Lowes or Home Depot or Wal-mart or the Dollar Store (depending on your budget).  Step 3 is all about research and development.  You gotta see what materials are gonna cost you.  Then when you find out how expensive birdhouse stuff is, you spend some time looking for cheaper materials you can use.  You have to decide if you wanna use screws or nails or glue to secure your birdhouse.  Step 3 is not a rush step.  Take you time with Step 3.  Look things over and make some smart decisions.  Let’s face it, a birdhouse is a luxury for birds.  They’ve lived just fine for thousands of years without birdhouses.  They’ll be fine while you research your project.  So don’t rush things because you’re worried about the birds being cold and homeless.

Now to Step 4: the testing phase.  This is where you actually have materials and you start doing some building.  You’ll do a lot of measuring twice, cutting once, measuring again to see why the piece doesn’t fit, then measuring again and cutting again.  You’re going to spend a lot of time seeing what will actually work and what won’t.  You’ll find out things like maybe you need glue AND nails for this bird mansion you’re building.  Anyway, the point is test the waters and see what will work and what won’t in physical application.  I’ll go ahead and tell you that Step 3 and Step 4 are another 40% of the plan that will take like 80% of your time.  Don’t worry.  Great (and patented) Do-It-Yourself methods like this one take time.

Now on to Step 5!  Execute that plan!  Make that birdhouse.

Just so you know, like Roy Underhill on The Woodwright’s Shop or Graham Kerr on The Galloping Gourmet, I’ve been building a birdhouse as I’ve been writing this essay.  And I’ve been using Doc’s Do-It-Yourself Method.

Here’s what mine looks like.

Bird-Mansion

Yours probably looks more like this.

birdhouse-bad

Hey, don’t worry.  You gotta break some legs to make some omelets, or something like that.  And you’ve gotta make some whatever the hell it is you’ve made before you make a passable birdhouse.  Keep trying.  And you may want to maybe pick some better plans from the Internet.  Just remember, Doc’s Do-It-Yourself Method is like playing the harp.  It takes time to master.  Good luck!

Trick or Treating with Jesus


I had the best time Trick-or-Treating last night.  Yeah, it was the best time ever!  Seriously!  Who did I go with?  You’ll never believe it if I told you!  Jesus Christ!  No joke!  I’m serious as a heart attack.  That’s right, the Lord and Eternal Savior himself.  He just showed up at my door around six o’clock last night and said, “Hey, wanna go Trick-or-Treating?” I told him I didn’t have a costume and he said, just throw on a bathrobe and you can be St. Peter.  So that’s what I did.  I don’t guess St. Peter ever wore a cool Thundercats bathrobe.  Or who knows, maybe he did.  I wasn’t around then and Jesus didn’t seem to care.  He actually said I looked a lot like Peter from far away if you squinted your eyes real hard.  But, hey, whatever, I got to hang out with Jesus.

What?  Oh, I have no clue why he picked me.  I know, right?  I don’t even go to church.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve been in a church since I was dating Becky Muldrew.  Yeah, she was into the whole Christian thing pretty hard but I really wanted to get in her pants.  Yeah, it ended up not working out.  Why not?  Well, Becky was in church almost as much as she got around.  Yeah, Todd the A/V guy at the church told me all about it.  Dodge a bullet there.  Oh, I don’t know where she is now.  That was like 3 years ago.  Last I heard from Todd was she had like three babies with four different guys or something like that.  Right, anyway, back to Jesus.  No clue why he picked me.  Probably because I really know how to party!  Yeah, you’re right.  I’m surprised I said that with a straight face too.

What did we do?  Well, we started off by going to houses Trick-or-Treating.  But instead of getting candy at the houses, we gave the houses candy.  It was a little weird at first, sort of like a reverse Trick-or-Treating.  But then after the first few houses, we really got our rhythm down.  Then after we went through a couple neighborhoods, we went back and hit up just the rich houses where they were giving out free full size candy bars.  So we ended up with a Snickers, a Crunch Bar, a Kit-Kat, a Zagnut, and a Mounds bar.  I know right?  Who gives away Mounds Bars?!  Yeah, someone who drives a Prius and a diesel BMW, that’s who.  Talk about conflicting interest.  Anyway, we just threw the Mounds bar away.  Then Jesus was like, “Hey, check this out!”  He threw the candy bars into his Trick-or-Treat bag and shook it around and said abracadabra, which I don’t know what it means but I assume it’s Hebrew, and the bag was full of candy bars!  And he did this like six more times!  We stood in front of that house where those people were giving out Mounds bars and warned the other Trick-or-Treaters and he gave every one of them a full-size candy bar out of that bag.  And he gave out candy bars to a ton of people!  Yeah, we started with five candy bars and freakin’ gave away like five thousand.  It was insane.

Then Jesus said we had to go swing by this girl’s house so he could holla at her.  No, I don’t think they’re dating.  Apparently he met her on OK Cupid, and they have been texting back and forth a lot in the last couple weeks.  So we stopped by there and her parent said she was working at Big Lots until nine.  So we cruised on over there and hung out for like 30 minutes until the manager told us we had to buy something and leave.  So I bought me and Big J two big jugs of Hawaiian Punch, and we got the hell out of there.  Yeah, she said something about meeting up with us later and bringing her friend and introducing me to her friend.  But her parents called her and she had to come straight home.  But it’s cool.  We are all supposed to meet at Denny’s tomorrow night after she gets off work at seven.

And we finished off the evening by T-P-ing and egging Jacob Goldstein’s house.  Apparently Jesus is still holding a pretty hard grudge toward the Jews on that whole crucifixion thing.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 74 #141001


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs are on the road broadcasting from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck from HickoryCon II!  Chuck is on special assignment, so Doc and Cher discuss Gotham and How to Get Away with Murder.  Doc has some science anniversaries.  Cher has another episode of Cher’s World of Weirdness.  The Eggs ramble through the archives and bring you a previously un-aired interview with Cabin Fever actor William Jones.  And Doc talks about some real fears of the impending zombie apocalypse.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 74 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 1
Gotham and How to Get Away with Murder Reviews

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 2
Science Anniversaries

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 3
Cher’s World of Weirdness #7

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 4
William Jones

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 74, Segment 5
The Zombie Apocalypse is Real

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Chapter 11 of The Autobiography of Viva Doc Vegas: Broadcasting Legend


I’m not going to tell you that being on the radio was all glitz and glamor.  It wasn’t.  There was a lot of bullshit that went along with the job.  The stupid meetings to tell you what new stupid thing the radio station was trying to do to round up new listeners that month.  And God help the on-air staff any time a ratings book came out.  If we weren’t number one, it was the end of the world.  This was the ’00s.  Radio wasn’t king any more.  To listen to the corporate higher-ups, radio was scraping by.  Of course, looking at the stockholder numbers, radio was raking in the cash like it was printing its own money.

And dealing with the man is never fun in any job.  But the high…the high of cracking open the mic and broadcasting to thousands…millions of people…that’s what being on the radio was all about.  That was the drug.  That was what kept us coming back for more.  Not to mention all the fringe benefits: comped meals, free drinks, t-shirts and other station swag.  And the ladies.  They were all over the place.  There’s something about being on the radio that women love.  I guess it’s the fame and power that goes along with it.  Or, honestly, it’s probably the fact that all those women think you make a lot of money.  And some weeks at the radio station, they were right.

“I’m Viva Doc Vegas, and until tomorrow night at midnight, the show’s over!”  The words no sooner left my lips than the show close started to play.  The off button for the mic lit up a bright yellow as I pressed it, replacing the bright red glow of the on button.  I reached up and slowly took my headphones off and put them on the counter beside me.  The room was buzzing with people, producers, interns, some strippers we had picked up earlier.  I tried to focus, but it all seemed like a buzzing sound to me.  My producer, Billy Trumen, was scurrying around picking up papers and beer cans, cleaning up the studio for the morning show.  The poor morning show, they were lightweights, Bible-salesmen compared to the depraved things we did during the overnights.

We were all exhausted.  One of the interns called a cab and showed the strippers out the door and on their way.  Brittany Bee, co-host and web mistress, had her head down on the table, drifting off to sleep.  Billy slowly kept cleaning the studio.  I shook my head and looked at the computer screen, trying to get my eyes to focus.  I got the next few things set up so things would run smoothly into the beginning of the morning show.  I scooped up my headphones and notes and gently patted Brittany on the shoulders as I passed by.  She jerked back into consciousness and got up out of her chair and followed me and Billy out of the radio studio.  We headed out into the dark, cool summer morning.  The sun wouldn’t come up for another 45 minutes to an hour.  We all said our goodbyes as we headed toward our cars.  I walked over and opened the back door of the limo and crawled in.  Dionjilo was sleeping in the front seat.  As I stumbled through the car to wake Dionjilo, I tripped over another stripper who was asleep across the limo’s rear-facing seats.  She was a cute little blonde.  She jostled a little bit, turned over and went right back to sleep.  I shook Dionjilo’s shoulder and he opened his eyes and looked at me in the rear-view mirror.

“Where to, boss?”

“Let’s head on home, D.  I’m beat.”

He looked over the back seat and saw the girl fast asleep.  “What about the girl, boss?”

“We’ll deal with her when she wakes up.  The cab’s already gone with the other two.”

Dionjilo turned the key and the old Buick roared to life.  As he dropped the car down into drive, the car lurched forward, the inertia gently pressing me into the midnight blue plush back seat.  I leaned my head against the side of the car and looked over at the softly slumbering stripper in the other seat.  I closed my eyes and dozed off as the car turned out onto the highway and headed home.

I awoke as the limo turned into the driveway.  The nap was refreshing but not nearly enough sleep.  Dionjilo pulled the limo up to the front stoop.  As I opened the car door to get out, Dionjilo looked back at me, “What about the skirt?”

I looked down at the stripper still asleep in the back of the car and then back to Dionjilo, “Right, the skirt.  I’ll take her.”  I scooped her up like a rag doll and exited the vehicle.  I threw her over my shoulder and walked up to the passenger side window of the limo as Dionjilo rolled it down.  “See you at seven, D.”

“Sure thing, boss.”  Dionjilo rolled up the window as the limo crept around the driveway and off into the distance.  I turned and headed up the steps toward the front door and fumbled with the keys to open it.  It was far more difficult than normal to unlock a door with a girl tossed over your shoulder.  I opened the door and as I walked through it, the young girl’s shirt caught on the door.  The shirt pulled against her and the door as I struggled to keep my balance and not drop her.  By the time I got things sorted out, the door had her shirt and I had a topless stripper over my shoulder.

Now a topless stripper over your shoulder is typically thought of as a good thing.  But I was about to find out in this particular case that it was not.  I dislodged the shirt from the door and turned back around. I had lost track of my surroundings in the tug-o-war and as I turned back around, the girl’s head connected with the inside of the door frame with a thud.  It sounded much worse than it actually was.  It was, however, enough of a jolt to bring the young girl out of her deep sleep and back to full and immediate consciousness.

I can only imagine how disconcerting it must have been, thrown over some stranger’s shoulder, topless, being taken into some unknown house and unaware of how you got into such a situation.  That would be disconcerting for anybody.  And her over the top response was mostly expected.  I would rather have had her woken up on the couch on her own, but that wasn’t going to happen now.  She started flailing around, one of her arms beating against my head relentlessly while the other arm grabbed for any item within reach.  She knocked over lamps and pictures and all manner of things.  She continued bludgeoning my head with her elbow and other arm until I finally threw her clear of me.  She landed on a plush arm chair and her and the chair toppled over backwards.  I saw her scurry topless into the kitchen.

I shook my head and looked around to assess the damage caused.  I still had her bright, neon blue, spaghetti strap top in my hand.  As I turned to head toward the kitchen, I ducked hard to my left as something whizzed by my head.  I heard a sharp thud and turned to see a kitchen knife firmly planted in the sheet rock wall.  The next knife from the kitchen wasn’t anywhere close to hitting me but rather shattered the glass and lodged itself in my autographed Fleetwood Mac Tango in the Night album poster.

“Hey!” I yelled, “That was autographed!”

I heard a squeaky voice yell back from the kitchen, “I don’t giva shit!  I’m not gonna be kilt and raped in your dungeons!  I seen Silence of the Lambs!”

The twang in her voice wasn’t surprising from strip club fair in the south, but she had seen Silence of the Lambs, so that was at least some semblance of class.

“I’m not a murderer.  I’m a DJ!”

“Bull crap you are!  No strip club DJ lives in a house this nice!”

I’m not sure if she had a valid point or not and hearing glass starting to break in the kitchen I didn’t have time to ponder it further.  As I walked cautiously toward the kitchen, I saw all manner of glassware being thrown near the kitchen door.  I peeked around the corner as a wine glass shattered on the floor.  I didn’t even know I had wine glasses.  Another wine glass shattered as I looked up and made eye contact with the still topless girl.

“What in the hell are you doing?” I asked in a calm voice.

“Settin’ up one uh those traps like in Home Alone.  You’re not gonna be walkin’ in this kitchen with all this glass on the floor!”

Home Alone…perhaps I judged too soon on the Silence of the Lambs.  I looked down at her feet and saw that she didn’t have any shoes on.  So breaking glasses was sound logic from her perspective.  She wouldn’t be able to leave the kitchen.  I looked from her bare feet down to my own feet.

“But I’m wearing shoes,” I said as I took a crackling step onto the field of shattered glass at the entrance to the kitchen.  A look of defeat crossed her face.  She set the highball glasses she had in both her hands down on the counter.  Her arms fell to her side and she looked down at her own bare feet.

“Well, go on an’ do whatever you is gonna do to me.”

With her shirt missing, it was hard not to notice her breasts.  They were small and perky, a perfect size to the rest of her frame.  Not too big and not too small.  Just right.  I tossed her neon blue shirt to her.  “I’m not going to do anything to you except tell you the broom is beside the fridge.  Hand it to me if you will.  I don’t need you cutting your feet all up and tracking blood all through my house.  You’ve done enough damage as it is.”

She tossed her shirt on the counter and turned to the fridge and grabbed the broom.  “Here ya go, mister.”

I took the broom from her and set the dustpan on the counter and started to sweep.  “You can put your shirt back on if you like.”

“Oh, right.  I walk around the club wit’ it off so much sometimes I don’t notice.”

I started sweeping up the glass on the hardwood floor, “You sure seemed to notice when you woke up.”

Her voice was a little muffled as she pulled her shirt back over her head, “Oh, yeah, sorry about all that, mister.  I been in some bad situations.”

“I can imagine so with that reaction.  My name is Doc by the way.”  The shards of glass scritched against each other as I swept them into a neat little pile.

She grabbed the dustpan and squatted down to the pile of glass.  She set the dustpan on the floor and I edged the neat little pile up onto the plastic tray.

“Doc, like, ‘What’s up, Doc!’  Like that cartoon!  That’s a funny name.  My name ain’t nearly so funny.  It’s Serenity.”

“Like the ship from Firefly.”

“I reckon so.  Don’t know nuffin’ ’bout that.”  I finished sweeping the glass, and she stood up and walked over to dump it into the trash can.  “Guess I’ll get outta your hair now, mister.”

“Where are you gonna go?  You rode here in the limo.”

“I rode in a limo!  Well hot damn!  I sure as hell all don’t remember that!  Reckon I ought not ta drink so much for I go a’ wanderin’ off wit’ strangers, huh, mister?”

I took the dustpan from her and attached it back to the broom handle and put the broom back beside the refrigerator.  “I suppose you shouldn’t.  Anyway, you rode here in the limo, so where are you gonna go?”

“I guess I’ll just walk on home, mister.”  She walked passed me and out of the kitchen toward the front door.

“Where do you live, sweetheart?”

“Over near the strip club.”

“That’s nowhere near here.”

“Well guess I got me a long walk then, huh, mister?  Unless that fancy limo of yours can drive me there.”

“Doc.  My name is Doc.  And Dionjilo has the day off.”

“D on j-who has the what?”

“Dionjilo.  He’s the limo driver.  He has the day off.  Won’t be back until seven tonight.”

“Looks like I’ma walkin’ then.  Glad I ain’t workin’ at the club today.”  She picked her bright pink purse up off the floor and rustled through it to make sure she had everything.

“Nonsense.  If you don’t have anything to do today, stay here.  Crash on the couch.  I’m going to sleep for a few hours and then we can go get something to eat for lunch.”

She turned to me.  It looked as if there was almost a tear welling up in her eye.  A big smile slowly crept across her face.  “Do you mean it, mister?”

“Of course I mean it, Serenity.  And my name is Doc.”

She dropped her purse and ran over and jumped onto me hugging me.  “Thank you so much, mister!  I’m real sorry about all your glasses and your wall and your Big Mac poster.”

“Fleetwood Mac.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

“I’m gonna work real hard and buy back all those fancy glasses I broke and I’ll get you another poster and go to the Lowe’s and get some stuff to fix your wall up real good.  My daddy taught me how to fix walls when I was little.  I’ll patch it up just like bran’ new.”

She was still hugging me tight.  I didn’t quite know what to do, so I patted her on the shoulders.  She let go and went over and collapsed on the couch.

“This couch is pro’ly the softest couch I ever been on.”

I walked over to the storage bench by the front door and got out a blue fleece blanket.  I walked over to the couch, unfolded the blanket, and spread it out over her.

She looked up at me and smiled, “Thanks a lot for not killin’ and rapin’ me, mister.”

I rolled my eyes and cracked a smile.  Her accent was so endearing.  “Any time.  And my name is Doc.”

She pulled the blanket up close to her neck and face.  “Gotcha!  Thanks for the blanket too!  Sleep tight, Docy-wocy.”

I headed toward my bedroom.  As I closed the door to the room, the first morning light was just creeping in.  But my room was a cave; the windows were blacked out.  It was like a vault.  I closed the door and receded into the darkness.  I kicked my shoes off and laid down on the bed.  My head hit the pillow and I was out.

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 73 #140924


sci-fried-eggs-logoThis week the Sci-Fried Eggs are on the road broadcasting from the Bathurst Manor Radio Production Unit Truck from the Asheville Comic Expo.  The Eggs start by giving everyone all the low down on Ghostbusters 3.  Then Chuck reviews the iOS8 for iPhone.  The Eggs talk about upcoming television and movie news.  Doc has a new segment called Doc’s Documentary Corner.  And the science community is seriously looking at traveling to Mars!

Sci-Fried Eggs Episode 73 – Click to Listen or Download

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 1
Everything We Know About Ghostbusters 3

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 2
iOS8 Review

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 3
TV and Movie News

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 4
Doc’s Documentary Corner: JFK: The Smoking Gun

Sci-Fried Eggs: Episode 73, Segment 5
Seriously Traveling to Mars

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An Open Letter to Captain Katherine Janeway


Dear Captain Janeway,

Well, when you got us stranded out here in the Delta Quadrant four years, nineteen days, eleven hours, and 38 minutes ago (not that I’m counting, Lt. Tuvok just happened to be passing by and he keeps up with stuff like that), I didn’t have a lot of faith in you.  In fact, there were a lot of people on the ship who thought you were crazy for destroying the alien array that brought us here.  And most a lot of us still view that move as one of your worst ideas.  But hey, you’re trained in Starfleet Captainry or whatever they call it, so I figured you knew what you were doing.

Now you did a great job of incorporating the Maquis into the fold here on the ship.  I mean, those guys were like super pissed at you.  And the ones that didn’t get killed by space aliens or by our own security personnel for trying to overthrow the ship, the ones who jumped on the Voyager bandwagon have turned out pretty good.  So that is certainly a point in the black for you.  But I’ve been talking with 95%  most  a lot  some of the crew, and we have some demands suggestions for the rest of our voyage home.

Now I know you’re all on this Starfleet Federation kick of let’s explore while we are out here.  But seriously, isn’t most of space pretty much the same.  Couldn’t we maybe just drop off some solar powered recording probes and give them a push and let them find their way back to Earth?  Sort of like a reverse NASA space probe.  And hey, they even had a couple probes called Voyager 1 and Voyager 2.  I’ve talked to Neelix and he thinks this would be a great morale booster for the crew.  He suggested that we have a big christening and launch ceremony.  Voyager would live on for thousands of years as the probes make it back to Earth one by one.  And then we could make better time instead of stopping off at every planet along the way to investigate.

And since we are talking about it, what’s say we quit wandering off to investigate every new race that’s out there.  Sure they may have some sort of better, faster way home, but if they did, don’t you think they would have made it to the Alpha Quadrant and we’d already know about them and their faster-than-warp travel?  I mean, I asked Tuvok and he said that was “sound logic.”  And besides, Seven of Nine is working on Borgifying some stuff to get us home faster, so I don’t see why we have to make friends with everyone along the way.  It seems kinda like we are butting our noses in.  And besides, since those big alien hornets and that species that was kicking the Borg’s ass, everyone we’ve met has looked just like humans except they have weird ears or jacked up foreheads.  I think we can pass on by a lot of these civilized worlds and not lose a whole lot of anything.  Let’s face it, most of them are either at war with some other race, or they end up being jerks and trying to kill us like those dinosaur dudes when we told them they were dinosaurs.  And if they aren’t trying to kill us or someone else, they are just plain boring and are doing stuff like buttering their bread with rocks or collecting space trash to hock at some intergalactic flea market (no offense, Neelix).

Now this is probably the biggest ongoing issue.  Kathy, you put this ship in danger a lot.  I mean A LOT!  Maybe we could ease up off of that.  There have been dozens of times we’ve had to repair this ship after sticking our phasers somewhere they didn’t belong.  I think it’s high time we just minded our own business.  Let’s continue this mission as if traveling through the Delta Quadrant is like driving through a really bad neighborhood at night (because if we are being honest here, that’s really what it has been like).  Let’s keep our heads down, keep our wings below the radar, and scurry on through as fast and inconspicuously as we can.

Those are just some suggestions.  If you’d like to talk about it, that’s cool.  I’m not really doing anything since I was confined to quarters after getting repeatedly caught spray painting human anatomy and smiley faces on the bulkheads.

Most cordially yours,
Fleet Admiral (really Acting Ensign but I dream big) BatDoc

 

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